What else can I do about in-law's messy house and my toddler?

Question

My mother-in-law's house is a mess. My daughter(Gracie) is almost 2 and wants to visit her grandma (we live next door) but I am scared she will get hurt. My husband talked to her about cleaning her house because there are so many choking hazards everywhere (not to mention dirt) but she just won't do it. She asks Gracie if she wants to go home with her, of course she does, and I have to keep making excuses for her not to go and the baby get upsets when Grandma leaves without her. So last week when she was working, I spent 4 hours cleaning her house. I found a broken picture frame, steak knives, stick pins, small glass rocks, jewelry, s***w drivers, and an ice pick (just to mention a few) laying right in her living room floor. Yesterday, my husband came back from her house steaming and said it was a wreck again. We've told her the dangers and she just doesn't see it. We could really use a break while she baby-sits but she wants to do it in her home. What else can we do?

Answer 1

Wow. When I first started reading I was ready to tell you to relax a little, its just a messy house. Then when I got to the items you found on the living room floor, I can really see your point. If she is not willing/able to pick up her house and keep it that way, there isnt much else you can do. You even went so far as to clean it for her.

She will need ultimatums, "If you dont make your home safe for your grandchild, she cannot come to your house."

Answer 2

You or your husband will just have to tell her no and explain that she can't have your daughter over until the house is clean enough. Make sure to stick to it. It will likely make her upset so I would suggest letting your husband do it, mom won't stay mad at her son but she will at you. My best friend went through this with her mother and I am going through it with my MIL.

Answer 3

well your baby comes first . why is her house so messy ? you just spent all you time cleaning it for her . how hard is it to just keep it up you did all the hard work. i don't know what to say except i know i wouldn't my child go over there either

Answer 4

The same thing I did with my mom. You can meet us at the park. It is not fair to the baby to be in danger all the time and you in fear because she won't clean. If she won't clean it up she simply MUST stop asking the baby to come home. Just be honest with her. I would even have your HUSBAND do it. It is his mother, let him confront her. I would not give any ground on this one. Its tough, but can not be a place to compromise on. Perhaps ask her why she doesn't see it as a problem?

You went further by cleaning her house than I did. So kudos for trying so hard to make it work.

Answer 5

Sorry, if mom in law keeps the house where there are safety issues for your child...your child's safety comes first...There's no other way to look at this.

Answer 6

You're the parents and you are right about the safety issue. So, tell her very nicely that you've done what you can to help her with her house, and since she's not able to keep it adequately child-proofed, her only option is to babysit at your house. If she doesn't accept that, then hire another sitter.

If she refuses, knowing that she's putting the baby at risk AND making her cry, then point that out to her and ask her why she would want to do that? I suspect that your MIL has some other issues here, but she's playing a very ugly power game with your child as the pawn. Your husband is going to have to deal with her, so keep your mouth shut, and make him do the talking. She may be looking at a way to get at you this way.....

Good luck.

Answer 7

Find a link that lists the hazards listed and print it out.  If she doesn't respond to that.  How about tring to go there with your child and make sure you point out everything, but on the other hand if she is as bad as this makes it sound, then you need to find treatment for her and not take your child there.  It sounds like she might have a disorder that makes her do this.

The disorder is called hoarding.  

I had a neighbor years ago that would go around collecting people garbage (not food) and store them in in house and garage.    The only way to clean up that house was for the state to take him because he becaom a danger to himself and others (3 fires were stared in his house). Basically all he had were paths, and it stank - so maybe she's not that bad but if the patern is building you might need to help her find the light.

I think oprah did a show on that subject years ago.

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/2007...

or read this:

http://www.cluttertoclarity.com/

If she only has a light case than it's easier to cure it.  But have hear talk to someone about it first and than let her read the links.  She probably feels that she needs all these things.

Good luck

Answer 8

Just be firm it sounds as if she has a problem, does she need her eyes testing or is she a little simple? Could she afford a cleaner?

Try to get her to realise the dangers and if not then don't let her have your daughter.

Good luck