What exactly is a "better life"?

Question

I'm just curious just what, exactly, this "better life" is that everyone keeps talking about.

Better than what? What can adopters give that the child's own mother cannot? Can they love the child more? Relate better to their adopted child? Provide better emotional support to their adoptee?

Or is it monetary wealth...things, neat stuff, a nursery done up in Pottery Barn Kids and getting chauffered around in the shiny black Escalade?

When we talk about a young, single pregnant woman giving her baby a "better life" through adoption, just what IS this "better life" supposed to be?

Answer 1

It's a euphemism.  People cope with tragedy by going mythical.

better life = a myth

As mentioned, no one has a crystal ball and can say one is better than the other. Even if the alternative was abuse, poverty and chaos no one has the power to say those circumstances would harm the child. Oprah rose from poor conditions, should she have been "given a better life?"  The loss that I feel as an adoptee partially involves others making choices on my behalf that interfered with my ability to become who I was born to be.

Answer 2

I generally hear the term "better life" when a bio parent is speaking of the reason for making an adoption plan for their child.  I rarely hear that term from adoptive parents.  

That being said, I guess I could be accused of using that term or similar, but it is solely based on our situation and our son's situation prior to adoption.  Our son was removed from his parents as soon as it was reported that he was born because of neglect and medical concerns of the child.  He was placed in kinship care with his grandparents.  The family sought us out for the adoption.  Our son's grandparents tell us all the time how we probably saved his life with the adoption.  Are all adoptions like that?  God, I hope not.  I'd hate to know that many kids are neglected or abused.  But is "our" story.  

Do we have tons of money or expensive cars?  No.  But in our case, were we able to offer this child a chance at life?  I certainly hope so.  I will never be able to give my child everything he fully deserves, but I will die trying.  : )

Answer 3

read Lori A's answer above.

i am the daughter she gave up. i endured none of the sexual abuse she did, but had i been there i probably would have. she would rather give me up than run a risk of letting them have a go at me. she was 16 and it was the 70s, not a whole lot of places for her to be but home.

sometimes it is money, addiction (also an issue, but not the deciding factor), emotional support, whatever. but sometimes it is much more than that. i feel whatever the reason is, if she has it set in her mind she cant/wont raise the child then it would be better off to be placed. i was a teen mom, i know what hardships come with that. some cant handle it.

im getting off track-overall, a better life is one the mother cant provide. and it doesnt always work out like that. sometimes they are in an even worse place than if they had stayed with the bio parents. no one knows.

i was one of the lucky ones.

Answer 4

nice hair BTW!

I asked this question a while back, the answers, weren't promising, or hopeful. pfft

better life to america imo = money and things it can buy.

Answer 5

I'd like to know this too.  I have been told endless times that my birthmother gave me up to give me a "better life"  

Just who holds the 'crystal ball' to enable them to know that!?

Answer 6

beats the h**l out of me.  i actually posted a question asking if people believe it's a rationale behind the trend of severing natal bonds...

for me.... a better life is one where the child is surrounded by a loving, nurturing family in a home that's not build on loss and coercion.

Answer 7

When I hear that term, most of the time I think people mean both- more emotional and financial support.

I had family members press me to give up my child when I was 21 (I didn't) because of financial reasons. My kids always had lots of love, a good education, clean clothes (not tons of them, admittedly), and a safe place to live even though I was single. Whether it would truly be a "better life" depends on the characters of the birth mother and the adoptive parents.

Answer 8

I agree that different is most often the appropriate term.  Where does this idea come from that a great number of parents who relinquish their children are mentally unstable or on drugs?  Whatever.  That's not only insulting to the majority of natural parents, but it's so very erroneous.  Money, age, disruption of education and marital status are the most common reasons for relinquishment, whether the natural parents choose it themselves or whether their parents choose for them.

My adoptive family did not have money.  We started out without much -- a small apartment, one older car, a cot for me to sleep on, tray table to eat on because we didn't have a kitchen or dining room table.  So, it can't be money.  There were two of them.  But....my natural parents were were both involved in my life, so I'm not certain that's it.  Besides, plenty of single people adopt.  No, it's not about two parents.  Hmmm, let's see.....oh, ya, to avoid abuse.  Well, according to the adoption agency, abuse was never an issue.  

Wow....I'm just not sure.

Okay, well, it seems that it's not necessarily about a better life -- or a worse life for that matter -- just a different one.

Hey, some people get a better life after being adopted, some don't.  One thing's for sure, though --it's a different one.

Answer 9

There are lots of reasons for people to give up a child for adoption.  A better life is one in which the parents have the time, maturity, resources and desire to do all the work it takes to raise a child.

Answer 10

In my case it would be male siblings of all ages not climbing on top of you when ever they felt like it. I did not want that for her, and I was pretty sure it was going to happen.

I honestly thought Ozzy and Harriette or Ward and June were going to adopt her and let her have a childhood, and they did.

I got Lucky.

Answer 11

I TOTALLY agree!!

There is help out there! Medical aid, Food stamps, Housing help, etc. etc. etc. they CAN do it, they don't want to and use it as an o.k. excuse.

o.k. meaning THEY think it's o.k. or society....it's NOT o.k.

Boy am i glad my mom didn't give me away because her personal preference was pottery barn!!!!!!!!!!!! that is insane!! my mom sold her car for a months rent when i was a toddler. she sacrificed EVERYTHING to keep us together. And it was a single parent home for awhile until our new dad adopted us.

But maybe some are so addicted to drugs or caught up in an abusive relationship, or are mentally unstable??

Answer 12

a better life is simple - one that is better than what she could give. for some that may be better than food stamps and welfare... or it means a life without drugs and violence..... or maybe a life where you are loved and valued. each case is different and it means just that .... something better.

Answer 13

Some people have babies when they are not in a position to care for them, be it mental health issues, alcohol, or substance abuse, Homelessness, or destructive behavior.

Poor or rich is not the issue, but a caring , STABLE, healthy environment...is a better life for the child.

Answer 14

Better is just that...better than the birth-mother envisions herself being able to do.  That makes it somewhat relative.  It could be financially, emotionally or from the standpoint of offering a safe, stable home.  It would be great if you could get the specifics on your birth-mother's cicumstances.  I wish you all the best.

Answer 15

My daughter is living the life I wanted. I know I could never give it to her. Even my mom was impressed with how she has such a good life. She models, rides horses,surfs, lives in the US Virgin Islands, is a ballerinna, tap dances, and all sorts of things. I never had the opportunity for these. And she's happy, loved by lots of families. mine and her birthfathers, and her adopted families and extended familys.

Answer 16

that is a question that only a woman considering adoption can answer it is a private and personal internal question. And Yes if to her a nursery filled with  pottery barn is a better life than that's what it means to her, if a 2 parent home to her means a better life than who are you to question her decision it is her child, not yours.

Answer 17

Maybe a better life in the sense of not being neglected, having a roof over their head, a chance at an education, food in their mouths and clothes on their backs. Or the chance to be raised by someone who is not addicted to drugs.

I know this is not the case for all mothers who place their children up for adoption but I would say it is a great amount.

Not all people who adopt drive around in Escalades and shop at Pottery Barn either, you can be middle class regular people and have an adopted child. You don't have to be rich.

Answer 18

I think the term "better life" is different for different eras.  Throughout the "baby scoop era" (1944-1970's), the term "better life" primarily meant "married parents".  About 80% of unwed mothers relinquished their children for adoption. Many were from upper class families. Unwed expectant moms were stigmatized, their families "shamed", & their children called 'b******s'.  Although poverty was always thrown in as an issue (with the added story line about birth parents 'unable to care for you').

Beginning in the late 1970's, unwed moms began to keep their children.  By 1983, only 4% of unwed mothers chose to relinquish their children.  

In 1978 my adoptive mom pushed me to relinquish my daughter after her father & I divorced. My a.mom's reasons: "what if her (PA) dad is a doctor who can give her gymnastics & piano lessons", or, "if you really loved her...", etc., etc., etc.  BTW - I lived on my own, apart from my parents & without support from them.  So "we" were not a burden to them.    

Today, being a single parent is no longer the stigma it once was.  The idea of a "better life" has changed as well.  Mostly it means that PAP's can provide more financially.  The belief that a married couple can provide a better home for a child prevails, though certainly single parents adopt, too.  

As a single parent for most of the time my children grew up, I agree that two parents are better than one.  Going it alone adds extra challenges to parenting.  However, being with your (single) natural parent is preferable providing there's a healthy home environment, IMO.  

On the other hand, approximately 80% of the children in foster care are there because one or both parents are involved in drug use. As a result, children are neglected, at risk and, in some cases, abused.  In this case, 'a better life' is related to one without the drug use, and minimally, one in which their basic care needs-i.e., safety, food, shelter & medical care-are being met.  Of course, having a permanent home, family & loving parents would be the best outcome for these kids!

One question, though.  Why do almost all AP's feel the need to believe (and SAY) that their adopted child is living "a better life" with them?  Yes, sometimes that's true; when a child has been removed from abusive or neglecting parents, or would have spent their life in an orphanage. But in the case of infant adoption directly from a birth mom?  Different is not always better.

ETA: Another era included the "Orphan Trains"; occurring between 1854 & 1929 an estimated 200,000 orphaned, abandoned, and homeless children were placed.  About 30,000 had been living on the streets of NY.  From living on the streets to living in homes. In some cases, they provided 'free labor' on farms, or were treated poorly.  In many cases, they were treated as members of the family.  

http://www.orphantraindepot.com/OrphanTr...

http://www.orphantraindepot.com/BaadeSto...

ETA: Sadly, not all adoptees feel "wanted". One of the many myths of adoption.  My dad wanted to adopt me, my a.mom agreed reluctantly.  I paid a high price throughout my life for her 'reluctance'.  Turns out, my natural mother wanted me, too! But was "living with a man to whom she was not married" - enough reason to take me away from her back then, apparently.

Answer 19

I know exactly how my life was better and it had nothing to do with money.  If I had grown up with my birthmother, I would have had the same life my half-brothers did.  

I would have been raised by a drug addicted mother who sold her body for drug money.  I would have been forced to fend for myself by age seven because I'd been left alone and neglected so often.  

The man who would have raised me as my father (if he had been willing to marry a single mother at all) died of complications from drugs when I was twelve years old.  When I was thirteen, his parents took my birthmother to court for custody of their grandchildren and won -- and there's no guarantee that they would have counted *me* as one of their grandchildren, since their son wasn't my biological father.

I would have grown up with my grandparents on the other side of the United States from my birthmother.  She had a debilitating stroke (she blamed it on anger, but I know her drug use certainly didn't help) when I was twenty-three.  Her sons rarely visited and didn't take care of her because they were so emotionally distant from her.

I have a lot of compassion for my birthmother, don't get me wrong.   She's had a hard life and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to meet her before she died at the ripe old age of 43 due to heart problems caused by her drug use.  But I also know without a doubt that I had a better life with my adopted parents than I would have with my birthmother.

Answer 20

I think better means 'money' to some.  But I also think better means growing up the child of married parents.  That was the ONLY thing that on paper that could be considered 'better' about my adoption.

My natural family was/is very wealthy.  My ngrandfather was a millionaire in the 70s.  They had a life of country/yacht clubs, private schools, fabulous vacations, and endless opportunities.  All during my childhood my mother lived on the Monterey peninsula in California, a five minute walk from the ocean.

I grew up in a lower-middle class suburb of a down-on-it's luck large gritty Midwestern city.  My aparents were never 'in love', and were not respectful to one another.  The didn't value education, and had no interest outside of television.  They were big yellers, and name-callers, and we never went on a real vacation.  I had two aunts, one was a drug addict, and the other was severely mentally ill.  I worked for everything I ever had.  I'm not exaggerating when I say my parents didn't buy me a tube of lipstick.  I never participated in a sport or extra-curricular activity because my parents said we didn't have the money.  Obviously they looked 'good' on paper when they adopted me.  

But, to be fair, after they adopted me and another brother, they had 2 of their own kids.  Then my adad started supporting his parents, and sister.  I share part of my story (nmother thinks it sounds like Dickens) to let people know that all adopters are not always rich, they do not always appreciate the kids they get (raising non-related children is different from the fantasy), and life is NOT always better.

Answer 21

I could give you example after example as to why my son is a a more stable and nurturing home (based of how her other children live), but we aren't weathy or even better off financially that them. It wasn't a financial decision for her.

All she wanted was someone who loved him dispite what some would consider "deal breakers". That's something she didn't think she could do.

Now, there is no way to know if he is "better off", but I know he is loved....... by us and them.

Answer 22

In the cases where adoption is really needed and the birth mother really knows she cannot provide for her child, the following are things that adoptive parents may be able to offer a child that a birth mother cannot:  a stable home with parents emotionally prepared to parent (hopefully, not that all adoptive parents are), a home that is safe, parents with a support system, parents with enough money to provide the necessities for a child (some birth parents truly do not have money to support a child, and I'm not talking about a pottery barn nursery), parents who do not have substance abuse problems (I'm NOT saying all birthmothers have substance abuse problems, I'm saying this is one thing that could be a factor).  I guess I could go on.  Of course, no adoptive parents can offer a life without the wound of being separated from their biological mother.  I guess each birth mother must evaluate in her individual circumstances whether the things she is not able to provide for her child add up to more than that wound.  I truly believe that sometimes they do and adoption is the best thing for the child.  I also believe that there are many times the things the birthmother cannot provide do NOT add up to being enough to justify the loss of separation, but she is pressured, or coerced into thinking that it is.  I know some view infant adoption as wrong in every case (or almost every case) and some view it as the best thing almost always.  I can't say either.  I don't think it's that black and white.

Answer 23

For me, it had nothing to do with finances.  It was about stability.  It was about devotion.  It was about emotional stability as well.  I was unprepared for her.  I just manage to provide some stability to her older sis.  There was no way I could manage both.  Some part of me dreaded that I might accidently hurt one of them if I got too stressed or overwhelmed.

Answer 24

i don't know.

i used to wish that my mom had given me up for adoption.  she was always on drugs and acting crazy.  it was a very stressful situation to grow up in.  maybe if i'd been raised in a home where people weren't trading the food stamps for crack, walking around talking to walls and leaving lit cigarettes constantly to catch the house on fire if i wasn't there to put them out, i wouldn't feel so much anger toward her.

on the other hand, you know, the grass is always greener on the other side.  i'm sure that if i was adopted i would imagine my mom to be something that she isn't.  and maybe my adoptive parents would have been crazy drug addicts too, who knows?

basically i think some kids would be better off being adopted.  but most of the kids who are adopted, this probably isn't the case.

Answer 25

Hey, sometimes I shop at Pottery Barn.  What's wrong with that?  And I drive a minvan too, you got a problem with that? Escalades are too bling for me. *WInk!*

My firstmom relinquished me because she didn't want me to be molested by one or two of her family members and because her mother was dying.

Is my life better than what it would have been had she decided to parent me?  I don't know.  I don't have that crystal ball either.  But I get her reasons.  My head gets it.

My heart is another story.

I don't think my life is better per se but it is definitely different.

Answer 26

Good question!  My mom says there were years of my childhood when she and my dad could make the mortgage payment and buy groceries, they only had one car, and we only had a black and white tv.  But I thought life was rich...I had love, attention, a place to play, a favorite toy, peanut butter sandwiches, siblings to argue with, etc.  Most importantly, I was WANTED.  Bparents did not want me.    

Maybe that is the answer...being in a situation where you are welcome.  Maybe that is the "better life."

Answer 27

A lot of people seem to think that a better life means finding adoptive parents with a lot of money. They think that rich people make better parents than poorer people just because they have money. That's a big mistake. Many rich people make terrible parents. They push their children off on nannies and give them toys instead of their attention. Then when the children get involved with drugs or in trouble with the law, the parents are always there to bail them out instead of allowing the children to learn from their mistakes. In my opinion, that's not exactly a better life.

Answer 28

In many infant adoptions, "A better life" is just another cheap coercion technique used to persuade mothers to give their babies away to people who have more money and a fatal case of infant lust.

If the better life means removing a child from an abusive home and giving the child a secure, safe environment, I am all for a better life.