What happens when an adoptee's right to find their birth parents clashes with the parents' rightnot tobefound?

Question

I was recently contacted by my 21 year-old bio-daughter.She was given up at birth cause her mother and I were just teens.Looking back now,I think that was the best thing for all 3 of us.However,that was a difficult time in my life I think seeing her will bring it all back,I also have a family now to take into consideration.Also,if she had a happy childhood,I do not know why she needs me in her life.

Answer 1

Maybe she is just looking for resolution.  For you it was a long time ago but for her it is something she has had to endure for her entire life.  Questions.  Doubt.  Why?

Adoptees can have a "happy life" and still have questions about why they were relinquished and where they came from.

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This person is your flesh and blood.  The least that you owe her is a conversation and a couple of pictures.

Would it really hurt to sit down and have a cup of coffee and be kind to a person you created?

I highly recommend picking up the book Birthright:A guide to search and reunion by Jean A.S. Strauss.  This book is an excellent resource for all members of an adoption going through reunion.

Answer 2

it may be that she wants to know where she came from, or possibly (and maybe even more important) she might need to know about your health history.

i think that i would want to know the medical history in my bloodline if i was adopted.

Answer 3

Well, like it or not, no one has a "right" not to be found in our society, where people the right to free association.  No one has a special right beyond that simply because they relinquished a child and all the rights and responsibilities related to a child/parent relationship.  Anyone is allowed to make contact with anyone else in our society, unless it is proven in a court that one person is a danger to the other and a restraining order is granted.  If I didn't know my birth parents and one or both contacted me, it may bring up a lot of painful emotions, but I don't have a right to be hidden from them under the law, and I don't have a right to any sort of protection from having emotions stirred up under the law.  If I have difficult feelings related to an old event, I have a right to find ways of dealing with those feelings, if I choose.

Now, if you don't want a relationship with her, then you have every right to that.  You can let her know that it is painful and difficult for whatever reasons to have her in your life.  

Keep in mind, you brought her into this world, so it does make sense that she might want to make some sort of contact, although you can let her know that you prefer not to have it go any further than that.

EDIT to add additional legal facts:

Regarding people who say that birth parents were promised anonymity or have some sort of legal right to it, well that is legally impossible to promise.  Here are some of the reasons why:

1. It is highly notable that records only seal upon the finalization of an adoption. They do not seal upon relinquishment, are not sealed while the child is in foster care and are not sealed while the child is in an adoptive placement that is not yet finalized by the court.  If a child is adopted and the adoption fails, the records reopen and the original birth certificate is again that child’s legal birth certificate.  There is no obligation to inform birth parents if a child is not adopted or if an adoption fails.

2. Even in sealed records states, adult adopted citizens can have access to their birth records if they petition the court and get a court order.

3. No one has ever been able to bring forth a relinquishment document that promises anonymity.  Even the greatest opponents of open records, such as the National Council For Adoption, have ever been unable to produce such a document.

  

4. The sealing adoption records began in the 1930's to hide the shame of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and to keep birth parents from interfering with the adoptive family. Prior to this time, records were not sealed, and were available to adoptees.  Some states did not close records until much later, while two states, Alaska and Kansas, never closed records.

5.  Upon the finalization of an adoption, the adoptive parents or the adopted person (if old enough to ask) can choose to have the original birth record kept unaltered, with the birth parents' information on it.

Clearly there is no promise of or ability to have any sort of anonymity.

Adopted citizens are demoted to second class citizens if the law discriminates against them solely because of their adoptive status (as by law it has nothing to do with their relinquished status.)  To disallow them the same right under the law as all non-adopted persons; that is,  the right to their own factual record of birth, is discrimination.

Answer 4

You don't have a "right to not be found"

You do, however, have a right to not be pestered.  

She has a right to answers, and a complete up to date medical history.  Please give her both, before you let her know that you are not willing to have a relationship with her at this time.

Answer 5

I do think that biological parents in a closed adoption have should have a way to remain anonymous.  Without that, we'd have more roadside (or firehouse) abandonments, abortions, or infanticide.  Adoptees DO have a right to medical history though.  Unfortunately, right now no good system exists to provide medical information without compromising identity.  It would be a simple situation to fix, but that doesn't mean it will happen anytime soon.

As unpopular as it is...  adoptees do not have an inherant right to the identities of parents that are, for all legal purposes, non-existant.  Your adoptive parents ARE your parents, and while I think open adoptions are much healthier all the way around, if your biological parents want the door closed, that's just something you have to accept.  It's the price for making sure other children in the future aren't killed just because their parents want to be able to have a clean break.  

Unfortunately in your situation, your biological daughter has already found you.  Anonymity is moot at this point.  Whether the state gave her the info, or she found it some other way - the secrets out.  There are an amazing number of ways that such information can be gleaned from unofficial records.  I found out the identity of my brothers' biological mother because of a picture his foster parents took of him in the hospital.  You could see the name plaque at the foot of the bassinet.  She may have easily found your information without anyone breaking (or changing) any laws.  If you really don't want a relationship at this point in time, then I think your best course of action is to either write her a letter (include a medical history) or meet with her briefly in a neutral location.  At this point, since she has contacted you, you need to tell your wife and children about her (if you haven't already).  Otherwise, you may find yourself in a nasty predicament if she doesn't respect your wishes about no contact, and you certainly don't want to give her any opportunity for blackmail.  

Remember, she is a young woman who is probably in a very emotional stage of life.  Likely, she's just looking for answers.  If you give her those,  then maybe it'll ease her pain.  She may not really be your daughter, but she is another human being.  If you can ease her suffering a little, why not do so?  Good luck!

Answer 6

When I gave up my daughter in 1972, we were assured that, that was the end of that. We could not be found and neither could she. That was just the way it was. I sure never heard about open adoption. I did not want to be found, it was a secret I wanted buried for my lifetime. Not very many people knew, so after it was done, I thought, ok, now i live my life, but it was a hurt I never got over and at the time I certainly wasn't concerned about my babies rights as an adult.

This forum has certainly opened my eyes to the plight of the adoptee. I found my daughter in 2001, she was almost 30, once I found her, their were people to deal with. Relatives who didn't know(my dad) and friends who knew me forever and had no idea that I had a daughter. Even my son had no idea, he was 23 when he found out, so people were kind of mad at me for awhile but many people were thrilled that I had found my birth daughter. She had many questions which I was able to answer. I'm glad I found her,  she has enriched my life. Adoptees have feelings of abandonment and many feel like they don't quite belong in their adoptive family's because they don't look like them. Even if they have had the greatest adoptive parents, something is always missing. Give your daughter a chance, she's looking for something that only you can give her. You might not ever have the father daughter relationship, but you can develop a friendship. I think you will be surprised.

Answer 7

I was relinquished for adoption at birth.  I was adopted by a great family and have had a truly charmed life.  I always knew I was adopted, and I had only the most basic information about my bparents (height, weight, eye/hair color, etc.).  When I was in my 40's I decided to search for my bparents.  I wanted medical information for myself, but also for my own children.  I wanted to know my story, the circumstances that resulted in being relinquished for adoption.  My bmom refused contact.  I respect her right to refuse contact, and I have made no further attempts to contact her.  My bdad did agree to contact.  We spoke on the phone a few times; the only thing I ever asked for was information.  I had the "legal right" and (in my mind) the ethical right to contact other bfamily, which I did.  I no longer have contact with either bparent, but I do have contact with a grandmother, aunt/uncles, cousins, and a full-sibling...some believed that I had died at birth (the cover story), others had never even heard about the pregnancy.  All of them have welcomed me to the family with open arms and open hearts.

I believe bparents have the right to privacy, but not to secrecy.  I think it is irresponsible to refuse to inform a person about their medical history.  I think it is selfish to refuse to offer the circumstantial details/social history to adoptees who want to know their story.  

You mention that you have a family to take into consideration...well, yes, you do have a family to take into consideration, and she is part of that family.  Just because you were a teen at the time of her birth, or that that time in your life was difficult, is no reason to deny your connection with your daughter.

Answer 8

a first parent doesn't have a "right" to privacy. thats a lie.

Answer 9

You don't have a right not to be found.  

If an ex-girlfriend looked you up in the phone book, would you claim you had a right not to be found?  

I'm sorry, we don't live in isolation.  We live in a society where sometimes people find us and try to talk to us.  

She doesn't have the right to expect a relationship.  And if you tell her you don't want one, then she should respect that.  

But there is no right not to be found.  You are free to slam the door in her face and feel wronged by a child you wish to have nothing to do with, but you don't have the right you claim.  You just have that desire.  That's different.  You made certain choices 21 years ago that affected her profoundly.  She had no say in them.  She has a right to know where she came from.  Period.

Answer 10

Wait you had s*x as teens didn't want to take the risk but want to know why she doesn't want to contact you? YOUR HER GOD DAM FARTHER USE SOME SENSE.

Answer 11

You are absolutely right it IS going to drudge up old stuff but it can be very healing for both of you. I just went through this with my bio daughter who found me 8 years ago. We found her dad a few months ago and I was more nervous than she was. My daughter needed medical information for her son. Give your daughter that much if nothing else. It is so hard to raise a family with that huge chunk of past history missing.

I had no idea how he was going to react and did not want to upset anyone. I didn't know his marital status, how he felt about meeting her, or seeing me. He called me first and we had the most wonderful talk. There were lots of appologies and warm feelings over the phone.

It was truely the most closure any of us has ever had. We had a great reunion and still keep in touch. In fact I talked to him 2 days ago just because. My family, (husband and kids) are all okay with it. We had lots of talking to do too but it is all okay now.

Some people may not agree with me but I saw this as unfinished business. The 3 of us had unfinished business and were able to put lots of questions and past fears and regrets to sleep. My daughter had no regrets, it was her father and I who did. She had a great life just like we had hoped she would. He is so happy and grateful that we found him.  

You owe it to yourself as much as you do her. Don't pass up an opportunity to do something good for yourself and someone else. It can be very healing even if you don't think you need it. She does and it won't hurt you as much as you think, go into it with a positive attitude and see what happens. You can always go back to separate lives if i doesn't work out.

Answer 12

Please - don't 'reject' her.

It's happened to me.

It hurts to the very core.

She didn't ask to be handed over to strangers. You played a part in that decision. Please show her some compassion now.

She's probably not asking you to replace the parents that parented her - but she wants to know the family that she wasn't able to grow up in.

Also - please - trust the love that you have for your family - they will come to understand.

Answer 13

Your daughter didn't sign up for the adoption, you and her mother did.

The oldest questions in human history are (among others) Who am I? Where do I come from? How did I get here?

Only you and her mother can answer those questions. You owe her this. Make no mistake about it.

Answer 14

boy, your story sounds familiar. i am the bio daughter of Lori A, a previous answerer to your question. i did have a happy childhood, i could want for nothing more, but i could "feel" her. she was in me. it sounds so sappy and silly, but i promise you its true. i never asked why, i didnt need to. they were both in  a bad place in their lives and i would have gained nothing positive back then. they turned out to be wonderful, warm and fantastic people. they dealt with their demons and all three of us have a great relationship.

i cant imagine my life without them.

the reason i found them was simple, they were part of me and i wanted to thank them for all they had given me. my life wasnt rosey at all times and i am living proof that genetics can be stronger than upbringing (i made many of the same choices they did, even though my life was drastically different than theirs).

if your reunion brings up past hardship than i hope it ends in some amount of peace. you may not even realize you need that peace. i know i didnt realize it, but i got it anyway.

stop diminishing your part in all this. you made a selfless decison for the good of another. you should feel proud she wants to be a part of your life now.

all i can say is i hope you get at least half of what i did. i have wonderful parents, adoptive and natural. i could not possiblily ask for anything better. good luck to you and your new found life together.

Answer 15

This is a very hard question.  I don't knwo how different it is for a bfather than a bmother....I DO know there ARE cases where the woman gave the child up in a closed adoption and does NOT want to be 'found'.  She chose adoption for that reason.  I am not one of them...but they are out there.  I, for one, think it would be awful, for all parties, for them to meet....but who knows.  That is a small reason I never looked for my bmom...not out of anger or anything but maybe she has a life and all I would do is mess things up for her with her husband and grown children.

Hard, hard question to answer.  maybe a letter to her is the answer.

Back when I was adopted, they didnt' know if cancer or diabetes or stuff like that ran in famillies but now they do..so that could be helpful.  Also, you might want to put her 'heritage on there as I've noticed some on here are really curious about that.  I guess they want to know if they are German or Italian or whatever...again, that isn't important to me but seems that some really want to know that.

Good Luck!!  :)

Answer 16

There is no right for parents not to be found. What ever made you think that? The only reason for the block on identity is for the a-parents.  It doesn't benefit anybody else.

Answer 17

We, biological parents, have absolutely no "rights" to not be found. NONE.

There is nothing in the Constitution, nothing in any legal document, and no law anywhere that says people--including birth parents--have a right to not be found.

If you don't want a relationship, then you do what every other American citizen does when they are being asked to have a friendship/relationship with someone they don't want to be involved with--YOU TELL THE PERSON. You say, "Sorry, not interested right now."

That being said, as a fellow birth parent, I would seriously urge you to consider going to counseling (with a decent therapist, someone who actually understands adoption emotions) to talk this all out, before coming to a decision about reuniting with your lost daughter.

I lost my daughter to adoption too, and just buried the feelings for years, and then... they bit me on the butt. I honestly think you are going to be better off in the long run if you accept this reality and open yourself up to knowing your daughter.

Also, please be gentle with your daughter. Adoptees sometimes (not always, but sometimes) have feelings of being rejected and abandoned... and a second "rejection" could compound that. She needs you to be gentle and kind, no matter what you decide.

Having a happy childhood has nothing to do with wanting to find biological families. Do you have children? If one of your children died, would having another child replace your lost one? Likewise, for many adoptees, having good parents doesn't replace the loss of their original (their biological) parents--YOU!

If you ultimately decide against reuniting with your 21 year old daughter, at least provide her with your medical history (yours, your parents, as far back as you know...). That could be vital information to her in this day and age.

Good luck.

Answer 18

Take the time to meet with her for lunch or dinner, she has questions she needs answered. Like alot of children that have been adopted, they aren't out to cause problems, only to find answers so they can go on and live their lifes,. There is a big empty hole in the heart that they need to heal. You just might meet the a person that will bring happiness to your life and not bad memories. Look at the big picture now, years down the line she might not be there if you need her.

Answer 19

Do you really think a little discomfort on your part is more important that a lifetime of pain and wondering for your own daughter?

You're right, you CHOSE to give her up, but where was HER choice in any of this?  She's now exercising the ONLY choice she's ever had...and you owe at least this much to her.  

Don't you think the children you have now also deserve to know that they have a sibling out there?  You're not being very fair to them, either.  

She's not a "mistake', she's your daughter.  Show at least a little compassion and give her five minutes of your precious time.

Answer 20

Hi John

I have to agree with others who have said that you don't have a right to remain anonymous to your daughter or anyone. We live in an open society.

I lost my son to adoption in 1984. He's back in my life - finally - after 21 years of separation. It is tough, but sooo very worth it. We are developing a relationship slowly, but it is good for both of us. He has had questions that only I could answer. I know there are other questions that only his natural father can answer for him, too.

I can't imagine what it is like for an adoptee to go through all of their growing-up years never being able to see someone else who looks like them, has similar mannerisms, or ways of talking. Please consider giving your daughter the opportunity for contact.

I would recommend that you read up a bit on some of the things that adoptees feel and think - find out what their adoption experience is like in general.

Here is a link with many blogs written by people who have grown up adopted. I encourage you to read through some of them to help you gain a perspective on their thoughts.

Open your heart, expand your family, she is your daughter. She is looking for answers in her life, some of them only you can fill.

Best

EDIT: I forgot to give you the link:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

...also read up on reunion - there are a few good books out there.

Answer 21

I don't know your or your daughter's situation, but most searcher's are motivated to search because of an interest in their medical and general history as well as a curiosity as to why the birthparent made an adoption plan. This may or may not be uncomfortable for a birthparent (it obviously is for you). But like Healing noted, a letter might suffice in satisfying your daugher's curiosity. I would add that you might not want to burn your bridges, however. Even in the letter you might want to note that you are not prepared AT THIS TIME to have a face to face relationship.  You might change your mind in the future. Also, your other children might want to know their half sibling.

Answer 22

Because you are the representative of her heritage.  And her real father.  And the father of her real siblings.

Our biological connections are the strongest of all and the basis of humanity.  The spur the desire to procreate keeping our species going.  It is deep and primal and cannot be disputed or denied.

I hope you welcome you daughter into your life.  She has been without her real family roots long enough.  Let her have this and her children.

You are a good man to open your heart.

Answer 23

There is no 'right not to be found'.

If  you don't want to know someone you just say 'no' like any other person who can handle their adult relationships

Birthparent privacy or promises of annonymity are a myth - do you have a contract proving you are in the witness protection program or have special rights over and above the rest of society?

Answer 24

She wants to know where she came from and she has that right.  I gave my daughter up almost 18 years ago.  And I can not wait to met her.  To know what kind of a person she has grown up to be what she is doing in her life.  So sorry that you have another family, but first and formost she IS your first born. By they way I was 16 when I gave her up.  Her dad and I had problems.  But only because we were so young.  And now we are happly married with 3 more childern.

Answer 25

I have a first cousin my aunt and uncle adopted at birth.  She is now 36, married with kids, and very happy.  My family is very "open" about life which brings an all important "bond" to each.  My cousin as a teen was told by my aunt and uncle of her adoption and from that moment on she felt an emptiness in her mind and her heart.  She contacted others in the family including myself and I encouraged her and also assisted in seeking her "birth mother".

Some family members objected, at first, because, we, as she, saw my aunt and uncle as her mom and dad and all never felt any different.  Part of her heart and life would have been empty and on her mind until she died.  It is important for all adopted children that want to know, to seek, and meet their "birth mother's".  If not, they will be "holding" a strong desire just to know, forever.

Through many contacts we finally located her "birth mother" in Sarasota, Fl.  She found she had 6 brothers and sisters, met them all as well as others.  Her mom explained she gave her up so she could have a better life, at the time, than she could have provided.

My cousin is the happiest, for years now, that I have seen her.  She found that all important question and met her "blood relatives".  Her emptiness is gone forever, her life is more fulfilled, and she continues to maintain contact.  By the way, my family is still her family and we never felt different about this.  She had no desire to live close or consider her "blood relatives" as the family that she can love and depend, that distinction is still my family to her.

Answer 26

She may have questions surrounding why you made the decision to give her up. She may also have questions about medical information and also her hertiage. If you feel uncomfortable meeting her, I would at least write a letter to her. In that letter you can give her medical information(you know information about medical stuff that runs in the family), you can also put in the letter any information she has about her hertiage. The last thing is if you feel comfortable is explaining to her why you made the decision to give her up. In that letter to you can express to her how you feel about her being in contact with you.

Like I said If you don't want to meet her at least write her a letter with some information. That may be all that she wants.

Thanks,

Healing

"Please note that the above are my opinions and feelings and not those of anyone else's"

Answer 27

I feel that a child has a God-given right to know their medical history and their heritage, and that they should be allowed to know where they come from.  YOU did the deed that caused an "unwanted" baby to be born.  Why should you have the right to deny YOUR CHILD the right to know you and his/her medical background and heritage?

I have medical problems that may have been avoided had I known that my Mama's and Daddy's medical background weren't the same as MY medical background!

I also don't know my heritage.  On April 11th, 2007, I was 7/8 French and 1/8 Irish.  On April 12, 2007, when I found out I was adopted, I suddenly had NO IDEA what I was!  What I AM!  People who weren't adopted have no idea what this feels like!

Please reconsider letting your child meet you.  She may have a desperate NEED TO KNOW!  Please don't deny her this.

She probably has the need to see who she looks like.  I always wondered why I didn't look like anyone in my family, but I was 57 before I found out that I was adopted.  Not even officially adopted!  I was a grey market baby, handed over to my Mama and Daddy by Dr. Henry A. LaRocca of Algiers, Louisiana, because my birthmom's family was wealthy (I was told) and didn't want her to tarnish their name.  I don't want anything from them except information about myself.  I don't even care why I was given up.

If your family loves you, they will understand.  If they don't understand, that will just tell you what kind of people they are.

Please reconsider.  Maybe you can meet your daughter secretly.  I know that would satisfy me, and maybe later you'll want to introduce her to your family.  There have been many successful reunions where the child, now an adult, is welcomed into the family by the "new" families of the birth parents.

-------------------------------------

P.S.  When I read what I wrote, it sounded angry.  I didn't mean for it to sound that way.  That wasn't how I wrote it, and without hearing my voice, I can see how someone might get the wrong idea, so I just want to set that straight.

Also, even though I didn't know for most of my life that I had been adopted, and I loved my whole "adoptive" family, I always felt an emptiness, but I never knew why.  Now I discover that many adoptees feel that way growing up, even the ones who didn't know they were adopted.

Here's a tip for anyone who looks nothing like their family members:  You, too, might be adopted!  I was 57 before I found out.  Can you imagine marrying someone who turns out to be your brother or sister, or a very close cousin?  This has happened before, and could happen again and again if the secrets and lies continue.  I feel sorry for any babies born from those unions, and all the medical problems they could face.

It's time to end the lies.  If you can't meet your daughter, please make sure you give her any info she wants to know.

Still, I BEG YOU to meet her.  She just needs to know.

.

.

Answer 28

Try to see things from her perspective.  You and her birth mother have been the one to make the decisions that shaped her life.  Thank goodness that she was raised in a happy healthy family. I do not doubt that you made the right decision but do not continue to make decisions that can have adverse affects.  She may not want you in her life as any type of father figure but when you are adopted you often times do not have any resemblance or even the same type of personality as the family that raised you.  Human beings like to find others that they can connect to.  I sure 21 years ago was a difficult time.  Try to imagine growing up and not knowing "who" you are.  Make the right decision again and be there for her at least in some way.