What has your experience with adoption been like?

Question

My friend and I have been having a debate about adoption. She says that adoption is a terrible practice that no woman or child should be forced to endure, and feels that it is not an option women should consider when faced with an unplanned pregnancy and that we as society should not encourage women to choose adoption.

I feel that it is one of a number of choices a woman has when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and that for some women it is appropriate and it is up to the woman to decide when it is an appropriate choice for her.

I have never heard anyone take my friends position on adoption, and I feel that her view point is biased because she had a negative experience giving her child up for adoption. On the other hand, I have never personally experienced adoption, I have only spoken to others about their experiences, so maybe my view point isn't a very educated one. I am curious what other people's experience with adoption has been. Positive, negative? Did you choose adoption when you were pregnant, or did you choose it after the baby was born and you had raised it a little? Are you an adopted child? Has your experience been positive or negative.

I don't want to pass judgement, I just feel like I might need to know more about the subject before I can form a good opinion of it. My friend says my opinion is formed out of ignorance, and she might be right. That's why I want to learn more.

Answer 1

This was my answer to a similar question:

I hate adoption. I realize that at times it may be necessarry, like with foster children, but I still hate it for the kids.

Adoption comes from loss. No baby wants to be ripped from his mother, his mother is his entire world, he grew inside of her and knows NOTHING other than her. When the child grows, he is surrounded by people who all too often do not look like him, sound like him, have the same interest, ect. He can not possible have a good sense of identity, no matter how functional the adoptive family is.

Adopted children (especially those who are adopted as infants, and international adoptee's) are expected to give up their family so they can have material things, then are expected to be grateful!

I hate international adoption. I hate it because the largest reason they are relinquished (there are also kidnappings and rape to help fill the demand) is because they are too poor. They are basically forced into relinquishing one to feed the others. This could be fixed if, instead of adopting these children, you send the money that you would spend to raise them to the natural parents. However AP's would not get anything from this so I don't see that happening anytime soon. AP's like the idea that its better to have them shipped over here, stripped of their family, culture, identity, and the very core of who they are all because they can't have kids. I mean it is all about them right?

I have no problem with people who adopt from foster care, I understand that there are sick people out there who abuse and neglect their children. These kids deserve love like anyone else. However, these kids still feel a loss of there natural family.

I hate the adoption industry, they make money from selling children like livestock. They tell pregnant women that they are not worthy enough to be parents because they are too young, poor, single, uneducated, you name it. They have clients to serve (PAP's) and they need her baby!

I hate how people glorify adoption as "wonderful" when it is most cetainly NOT!

Answer 2

My mother gave up a child for adoption when she was very young. The pain haunts her everyday. The way I see it affect her, makes me believe that it takes a lot of strength and courage to make that kind of choice. It may have been the best decision at the time but it was the hardest one. The best way she copes with it is to write about how she feels and the horrible pain she goes through everyday.

www.adoption-birthmothers.blogspot.com...

Answer 3

I have had ****-all experiences with adoption and i am not reading the rest  

Answer 4

Adoption is unnatural...it takes a baby away from its mother (usually by coercion) and makes that baby pretend to be related to the people he or she is placed with.  The baby is given a fake name and in most states cannot get a copy of the real birth certificate that was issued at birth (most babies are named by their mothers in the hospital, then the adopters change the name to make it look like they are the only parents).

Mothers never "get over" losing their baby to adoption; but some will pretend they are ok with it - they have to deny their true feelings to maintain their sanity.  How else could a mother survive not knowing where her baby is, not knowing if the baby is dead or alive?  Would any mother want to live through that?

Those who want to adopt should focus on truly needy children (those in foster care).  Those children need stable families.  Unfortunatley, most adopters want a baby so they can play a game called "as if born to you."

Answer 5

Your friend is right.

Adoption should be a last resort.  It should take place only in cases of abuse, addiction or profound neglect.

Some of these sources are the same as Possum's, but there is a ton of info (for example, did you know that adopted males are 17 times more likely to be serial killers?) about the reality of adoption here:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Answer 6

My birthmother was 16 was she got pregnant with me. She lived at home with her parents and knew if they found out, they would make her have an abortion. She waited until she was too far along to have one before she told them. She was knocked out when she delivered me. Once she came to, the nurses wouldn't even tell her if I was a boy or a girl. Finally a doctor came in and told her. She could hear newborn babies all around her crying, but couldn't see them and didn't know if it was me crying.

It messed up her family, because her dad took the blame for making her give the baby up. So for years, she held resentment towards him. Then, after I met her as an adult, and met her parents as well, her mother admitted that if was her, not her dad, that didn't want her to keep me. Her dad just took the heat so that it wouldn't ruin the relationship with her mom.

Meanwhile, my childhood was happy for the mostpart. The only time I was ever really bothered by the whole thing was on my birthday. I would feel so sad, wondering if she was thinking of me like I was thinking of her. Wondering why she gave me away...why would someone give up their own flesh and blood? I felt rejected.

Once I met her as an adult, I was able to get to hear her side and find out how awful it was for her to not know anything about me. What kind of people were raising me, what was my personality like, who did I look like? We both wanted to know the same things about each other. It's a blessing that we were able to find each other and yes! we do have a lot of the same tendancies and look very similar to one another!

My life is so much better knowing her. I don't have a close relationship wwith her at all, but all of our questions have been answered and I feel like that is such a blessing.

I will say that I would never be strong enough to put a baby up for a closed adoption. It would have to be an open adoption where I could see pictures and know what kind of parents were raising my baby. It's amazing that women in the past were not given that option and had to go on with life without knowing.

Answer 7

I was adopted as a baby; my parents picked me up at the cabbage patch when I was just 3 days old :) I'm 22 now and I have never had any "issues" with being adopted. Nobody ever made fun of me, I never felt unloved or unwanted. My parents are amazing people - they have shown me the world, and because of them I have been given endless opportunities that I would not have been given had I not been adopted. We (my parents and I) were "reunited" with my birth mom when I was 17 and it felt like my "puzzle" had been put together. However! I never felt like I ever needed anyone more than my parents. I know it was very hard for my birth mother (and birth father), but personally I have never had any problems. My life has been virtually problem-free, because my parents waited 10 years for me, they were successful and financially stable when I finally came into their lives. I have never had to struggle. Had my birth mother kept me, my life (and hers) would have been very, very hard. I am so blessed to have been adopted by my wonderful parents - they are my heroes, my angels. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Answer 8

My personal experience has been pretty nasty. I didn't always have the positions on adoption issues I have now, but since I was unceremoniously shoved into "The Darkside" of adoption, my eyes have been opened and I have tried very hard to understand it from as many positions as possible. I don't hate adoption but I feel that it should be the absolute last resort.

Your friend's reasons for her feelings are probably very justified. She has every right to be angry if she has been treated the way so many of us have been. It is possible that she is in so much pain that she cannot see ANY good in adoption, but there ARE some RARE occasions where adoption is the best choice for the CHILD and I hope that she can see that ALL adoptions are different.

Adoption needs a GREAT deal of reform but I agree with you that EVERY option should be made available as well as HONEST EDUCATION about those options.

Answer 9

My son's 1st mom and I were discussing this last night.  She is staying with us, and we are helping her through this new pregnancy, for her to keep the baby.  She says she knows it is best that he is happy with us, that she feels better that she knows he loves us, and that it doesn't bother her to see him call us mama and dada, because that means he's working on a secure life.  It's taken us a while to get to know each other again, and I've missed her in the last 10 months since she'd been gone.  Her life is getting better now, and I'm trying to get her to believe in herself and gain self confidence.  She had an abortion the year before he was born (all 3 times she was on the pill, and they used a condom this time, and both failed, and she has plans to have her tubes "burnt, burned again, tied by boy scouts, stomped on by elephants, completely taken out, and filled with concrete" she says, so she doesn't ever become pregnant again).    She says that if she couldn't raise him herself, that she at least knows that he has a better life than she could provide, and that this way, she still gets to be part of it.  With our emotional support, she has overcome a meth addiction, and looks great.  She has talked about placing this baby, and we'd love to have it, but we won't mention it, and anything we get for this baby is with the assumption they are keeping it.  The main thing is, we all love both these children, and each other's other children.

Answer 10

I believe in adoption as I believe it gives people who don't have children, children. One reason is that people under 20 who are not financial or without family help will regret having that child. Children are a gift not something bad that happens to you.

Even though I did not get on with my adoptive parents I will always respect them. My birth mother gave me up because she could not support me financially and my birth father had got another women pregnant and married her.

Answer 11

I'm adopted and a mother of adopted children. We all thank our lucky stars each day we were all brought together with the people who love and care for us. I've learned a family is a group of people who loves and cares for one another...they don't need to look like each other or share the same blood.

We don't live in a perfect world. There always have been and there always will be children without parents to care for them and people without children longing to share their lives with someone. Adoption is 100% a natural solution for this...it's even been seen among animals and across species, because the natural instict to mother is so strong.

Answer 12

I was adopted out of foster care at the age of 14, I am now 19. I was very lucky and all in all have had a positive experience. I love my new family and they respect and love me enough to allow me to see the people in my biological family that i want to. I dont wish to see my biological mother at all.

She had 4 children in all. 4 children with 3 different men, and at least 3 miscarriages. Every one of the fathers was an addict. So was my mother. My father was killed in a drug deal when i was 3 years old. I grew up with my brother, only 4 and a half years older than me trying to raise his 2 younger siblings. My mother would disappear for weeks at a time. We moved around at least once a year, and eventually in and out with our grandparents. My mother should never have been allowed to have children. PERIOD!

So no one will say that adopting out of foster care is bad, because really it isnt. The system is terrible despite their good intentions. But think of the heartache that could have been avoided had theese mothers originally thought of adoption. Or at least after the first child was cared for badly.

I am not naive and i do realize that there are problems with the entire adoption industry. But it is a great choice for many mothers.

The system had been involved with my mother and all of her kids ever since my father was killed, when i was 3! I was adopted at 14! Thats 11 years that I had to put up with her c**p for and even more for my older brothers. People my say its unfair for a woman to be forced to put her child up for adoption or that domestic adoption is unethical but consider how many children are in the system due to unfit parents. How much of that could have been avoided by an adoption earlier on.

However, i do realize the best choice would originally have been for the women to have never had children in the first place but it also allows couples who are fit to be parents and are unable to concieve the  chance to become parents.  

Answer 13

I was put up for adoption and it was a wonderful experience.  There are pros and cons with any choice (although I would never consider abortion...possibly because I could have been aborted and I don't like that idea), and with adoption some of the cons are that there is a grief period for the bio-parents, and the adopted child may have some issues with abandonment.  That being said, when adoption is done right (birth-mom not forced, adopted kids always told about being adopted, parents understanding about their curiosity about birth-parents) then it can be a great thing.  I have never once regretted being adopted.  My bio-mom was an college-educated woman who didn't want to be a mother, at least at that time, so she chose to give me up for adoption, and I ended up in a very loving supportive family.

In my opinion, people who are adopted and had bad family lives often blame that on the adoption.  I think that in the overall scheme of things, there are many more people unhappy with their biological families then with their adoptive families.

Still, adoption SHOULD be reformed.  Birth records should be available, genetic history should legally be provided forever, not just at time of adoption, and money should be taken out of the process as much as possible.

I hope you stick by your original opinion of adoption though... I have heard some rough adoption stories on all sides (biomoms, adopted kids, adoptees etc) and some very beautiful ones.  It depends on the individual situation, just like keeping the child or abortion the child.... it really depends on the people involved.

Answer 14

I agree with your friend.

Answer 15

Wow!  You seem to be gathering, and wanting to gather, as many different experiences with adoption as possible.  I think that's great of you, so here's mine.

I was an infant adoptee in a domestic adoption.  My mother and I are reunited and have been for 4+ years.  My parents (adoptive) did not do much to prepare for the eventuality that we (my 2 other adopted sibs and I) would grow up and have questions, issues, whatever.  Not everyone has them (issues, etc.) and I, personally, choose to believe those who've said they have no interest in "finding".

My mother signed the papers to relinquish me voluntarily.  She did it before I was born (about 2 weeks) but she lived (and I was born) in a state that gave her 60 days to change her mind.  During the era that I was born and adopted (the "baby-scoop" era/70s), there was no pre-birth matching...there was no "matching" at all.  My parents simply got onto the waiting list, then waited, then got to the top of the list and got the next available baby -- me.  My mother had no say in where I went or who adopted me.  She also was never given the opportunity to know.  She also (as many have said) was told to "go home and get over it".  She was told that having another child, after she got married, would "heal" her pain.  It didn't.  She was told to never tell any potential husbands that she had delivered and relinquished a child.  She ignored that advice and told her soon-to-be husband the truth.  They still got married.

I wish she would have known how short a time it would be until she would no longer be "branded" by society for having a child out-of-wedlock.  I wish she would have been allowed and supported to parent me.  Does that make me sound heartless?  Some would say "yes".  Does that mean I dislike/hate/etc. my parents (adoptive)? NOT AT ALL!  There are some here who don't believe me and have said so but that doesn't matter.  I love my parents.  But, if they had not adopted me, they would have adopted the next baby.  They would not "miss" me (nor I, them) because they would never have known me (nor I, them).  Mine is one of the adoptions that I view as "unnecessary".  Had my mother been supported; had she been aware of the help, services, etc. that were available (or had there been some/more available); had her father not said that "if she keeps the baby, she can NOT come home"...she would have kept me in a heartbeat.  She WANTED to keep me.  She would have, if she'd been able to figure out how.  She was not a prostitute.  She was not raped.  She did not do drugs or commit crimes.  She was not "disadvantaged".  (Her father was a doctor, her mother a nurse).  She was an adult who had graduated from high school and was attending college.  She does not see herself as "coerced" or "forced" to relinquish me (except, maybe, "pressured" by her father).  She simply did not know how to do it (raise a baby) alone.  She simply saw no other choice.

There were a lot of things I wish my parents would have done differently with respect to adopting.  But, given the time period, they did a lot of things that were "progressive" for the early 70s.  They told us three (their adopted kids) that we were adopted from the very beginning.  That was much less common back then than it is now.  In fact, they were counseled by the agency, their clergy, relatives, friends and even strangers not to tell us.  They told us anyway.  I find it kind of comforting and kind of funny that when it came to 'rebelling' against the common thinking at the time and ignoring the advice of the caseworkers, ALL my parents did the uncommon thing.  I love that!!

My parents and my mother all have a good relationship with each other.  They communicate on a pretty regular basis.  My husband and I spend our holidays, vacations, special occasions, etc. with ALL of our families.  ALL of my parents are THRILLED that I have a relationship will ALL of my parents.

I don't know if, or to what extent, this answers your question...but this is my experience.  Not all of it...just one 'slice'.  My experience was good...GREAT in fact.  I still feel that adoption should not be the choice MOST (not all) of the time.  I think we should do more as a society to keep natural families together.  I think that adoption as an 'industry' (i.e. a process or transaction in which a HUMAN is the commodity and in which any entity makes a profit) should be completely done away with.  There are plenty of ways for the absolutely necessary adoptions to still occur.  And there will be far fewer that are done for the wrong reasons.

I have deep respect for your efforts to gain more knowledge.  I applaud your willingness to acknowledge that you might not (yet) know enough about the subject for your opinion to be "informed".  To some, it seems that there is a tension and/or a divisiveness between the "sides" of the adoption triad (adoptee, natural parent[s], adoptive parent[s]).  To some extent, that's been confirmed here on the YA boards, but I hope it's the exception, rather than the rule.  I've learned a lot being here.  There are many others (of every "position") who've said the same.

Just my $.02.  Thanks for asking! Best of luck to you in finding the knowledge you're looking for!

Answer 16

I was adopted and my experience has been positive.  My parents love me with all their heart and I love them with all of mine.  My BirthPeople could not/would not take care of me and without adoption I can only imagine what my life would be like.  I am extremely happy and pleased with adoption, but I was blessed I had a great family with wide open arms, some adoptees are not so lucky, pick wisely.

Answer 17

adoption sucks.  it's unnatural.  how can you argue with someone's actual experience?

Answer 18

For me it has been good. I work 6 month out of the year in Guatemala and thought it would be great so the child would grow up in the culture they were born into.   I decided not to adopt when I looked a little closer into why they were going to be placed(that's the legal cases) and decided to not be selfish and self centered.  I'm assisting the families of several children so that they will not be separated over a little money. I'm part of their family and spend a lot of time with them. I have a conscience and will not settle for anything less.  Adoption should be for "orphans" not for children with family struggling financially. Its too damaging to the children and mothers as well as going against nature.

I would never have wanted anyone taking me away from my family or taking advantage of my parents over a little money.

Answer 19

There are many things wrong with the adoption system, whether it be domestic, international, or foster adoption.  Having said that, sometimes it beats the alternative.  You will hear from many adoptees who wish they would've never been born, if it meant they were adopted.  But, I believe for every one of them, you will find another adoptee who is happy with their adoption and have felt little to no major impact in their life as a result of it.

I believe adoption is necessary when there is abuse in the home.  No child should have to endure that, ever.  Most people here believe that.  But, I also feel it is a better alternative for the child to be placed in a home where they are wanted, rather than stay in a home when the bparents didn't want to raise another child.  Yeah, they may eventually change their attitude.  However, that's a risk that I am not sure a child should have to take. Our children were simply not wanted.  It had nothing to do with abuse or finances.  I didn't feel we had to try to persuade the bparents to parent, when they blatantly said all along they didn't want to. I can't imagine our children having gone through a few months of not being wanted, just to see if they would change their mind.  Why not give a child a chance right from the start of their life to be wanted?

You will get a lot of advice and stories from posters dealing with what is wrong with adoption. Listen to them (most of them), as they do have background in it and should not be ignored.  I just wanted to give you what is right with it.

Is it the only option?  No.  But, SOMETIMES, it is the best one.

ETA:  

[[[[  adoption sucks. it's unnatural. how can you argue with someone's actual experience?  ]]]]

You just did, didn't you?

Answer 20

I'm adopted. My adoption was a fairly open adoption, as my birthmother and my adoptive parents would send letters and photos back and forth. I met her once I turned 18.

I'm happy that I was adopted and not aborted, which would have been an alternative.

My adoptive family provided me with all the love and support I needed to grow and develop. My birthmother probably would not have had the funds to give me some of the experiences that shaped who I am.  

Answer 21

I'm answering this as an adoptive parent through international adoption.  I do think that many infant, pre-birth matched adoptions don't need to happen.  I can't go as far as saying it should NEVER be an option to consider, but it is definitely too encouraged as the "right" choice for unplanned pregnancies, especially for young mothers, and too often young mothers aren't given encouragement or help in parenting their child.  

I can't speak from a birthmother perspective, only to say that I wonder about the consequences of relinquishment on my daughter's birthmother constantly.  My daughter is only 2, so I can't claim to know the full emotional effects of adoption on her.  Right now she is a happy, curious, wonderful little girl whose experience with life is benevolent.  She is also a little girl who ocassionally has some strong fear of abandonment reactions.  She is the the love of my life, and I hope I can help her navigate her adoption losses.

Answer 22

We adopted our daughter from foster care and our son as an infant.  Let me just say that people who feel that only adoption from foster care is okay are ignorant. The majority of children who end up in foster care wouldn't be there if the natural parents had chosen adoption in the first place.  

Answer 23

It's not unusual that you haven't heard of a 'down side' to adoption before.

Women who have lost children to adoption are often too scared and down-trodden to ever speak up (my mother was shamed and told to go home and 'just get over it' when she went home after my birth - she was also told that I'd never want to find or know her) - and adoptees are often too scared they'll lose another set of parents to have their say.

That's starting to change - the tide is turning - and finally those that have lost the most in adoptions in the past - are starting to have their say.

Problems with infant adoption -

- no one considers what the child will feel when they grow up

- genetics does matter - and when you have to live with a family unrelated to you - it's confusing and disconcerting

- it's a long term solution to an often short term problem

- a mother has to be made to feel unworthy of being a mother - to come to the decision to relinquish her child - a wholly un-empowering situation - whereas - women need to be helped and encouraged to parent - as often this is all that is needed

- what's absolute best for mother and child - is to grow together - as they have already bonded for 9 months

- a baby instinctively knows it's mother upon being born - being handed to strangers is a traumatic experience for a newborn

- all children need to know personally - the family they look like, act like and have talents like - for better emotional and psychological well being - and better sense of self

- no reason lessons the fact that the child was given away (rejection issues are often forever more a problem - as if they feel they weren't good enough to be kept by their mothers - then they're never good enough - for anoyone)

- too often 'open' adoption is offered - but as it's not enforceable under the law - the adoptive parents often close up contact after a few years - or even as soon as the adoption is finalised

- it's a multi-million dollar industry - where babies are the product - and prospective adoptive parents are too willing to pay the highest price - all to get their dream baby

- too often - adoptive parents don't tell their adoptee that they are even adopted - and secrets always come out. Finding out later in life is extremely traumatic

- records are sealed (in most US states) upon the adoption being finalised - and are never allowed to be opened no matter the age of the adoptee. (not 18 - not 99) - therefore the adoptee is never allowed to know their truth

- too many adoptive parents make it all about them - and not the child - expecting the child to always show them loyalty - rather than allowing the child to be able to know and love all the parts of their family that they belong to (if no harm is present) - and loving them unconditionally in return

Adoption should be about finding homes for those children that truly need a loving home - such as those thousands that are waiting in foster care.

It shouldn't be about talking stressed out and scared pregnant women into giving up their children - when it's not in their absolute best interests.

Me - I was adopted at birth.

I love my adoptive family dearly.

But I wasn't allowed to even talk about my first family - and I daydreamed about them constantly as I grew up.

My first mother was sent to another state to have me - because she was unwed - and it was shameful for the family.

My father offered marriage - but it was all too late.

They married 6 months after my birth.

And had 3 more kids.

I wasn't allowed to know any of them - and making up lost time - after 39 yrs - is almost impossible.

Read widely - and with an open heart.

There is a great deal of pain for the relinquishing mother - and for the adoptee. (although many adoptees will put on the happy-happy face.....as they're scared, deep down, that they'll lose another set of parents - so they'll tow the 'happy-adoption-story' line)

For the adoptive parents - they are the one's that mostly win - as they get the child they always dreamed about.

Here's some sites to start your reading -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

http://origins-usa.org/

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

http://chezblot.blogspot.com/

(with many many links to adoptee blogs / first parent blogs / and adoptive parent blogs)