What if I feel like I wouldn't love an adopted child as much as my birth son? Should I still adopt?

Question

I have a son, by birth, and I plan on having at least one more baby. But I'd also like to adopt one or two older children. My dad has adopted four older children and I'd like to do the same. But I'm not sure I'd have the same love for an adopted older child that I would for a natural child that I've known since birth. Should I still adopt? Or is adoption not for me?

Answer 1

If you could not love an adopted child as much as your biological son- you should not adopt.  Because I am adopted and I have 2 adopted children- and they are my kids. If you were thinking about adopting an older child and was not sure- do you think that would affect that child? Of course it would- that older child may not feel loved already, so if you cannot love him/her as much as your son- then I would suggest not to adopt.

Answer 2

If you feel that way, then adoption is not for you. You have to have a large heart to adopt and love all your children equally, after all you would the only mother the child has ever known. If I were you I would stick with natural born children.

Answer 3

I had doubts before we adopted.  But, I love our new children every bit as much as we love our biological children.  I am beyond happy with my new family.

One recommendation I have is to become a foster parent.  See how your feel having these kids in your home and if you are able to bond with a child the way you have with your biological child.  Perhaps your are right and your cannot make that connection, or, you may learn that you can love them like your own.  Either way, you are doing some good.

Edit - Doubt is a natural response to something this important and life changing.  If you don't enter adoption without some concerns, and doubts, then you are entering it without having done careful thinking.

Answer 4

If you don't think you could love the child as much as your biological children, why would you adopt? I have both an adopted child and biological children. I went into adoption believing that I would love my adopted child as much as my other children. I do. She is my daughter and more important to me than life itself. Perhaps you need to consider your motives for adoption.

Answer 5

I'm not a parent (via adoption nor birth), but i've never understand how people can have children they don't love.  If you're dumb enough to enough to have s*x without a partner, and/or willing to risk conception, you should be willing to having children that you'll "have to" live,  I realize we don't live a perfect world but I would take a lot into consideration on whether it will be for everyone especially child.  Remember as a parent, it's your job to put the needs of the child first, not yours.

P.S. I've just re-read what i wrote and I realized this sounded really harsh, and i apologize i didn't mean it that way, especially toward the person asking;  I was venting at society in general.  Thanks for the time.  I also realize that you were looking into adoption and giving birth yourself or atleast the consideration there of.

Answer 6

i wouldnt do something that you truly would love to do. Everyone needs some love and it should be equal. So if don't love them equal, then no you shouldn't.

Answer 7

After relinquishing my daughter at 16 and then waiting 19 years to have any more children, I have to say, when I found out I was pregnant with my second son at my 12 week check up for my first son, I didn't think I could love my second son as much as the first and they were both my blood. How stupid, but the thought did cross my mind.

I think you will be fine as far as being capable of loving another child as much as your own. The question I think is more about getting the right child to love. Maybe you can't love all children equally, lord knows I don't, there are some kids around here I really don't like and I have a lot of them come through my doors, because of my sons. Some of them I just adore.

My point is if you are willing to love another child you will love another child. It might take a little time but it will happen.

Answer 8

Adoption is definitely not for you.  You cannot question whether you are going to love a child that you adopt.  You have to know that you will love that child, even before you hold that baby in your arms.    How will that child feel, growing up,  if you find that you cannot bring yourself to love him/her to the extent that you love the children you gave birth to.    Adoption cannot be a risky choice, where you will have to find out if you can love the baby.

I had no trouble loving my adopted children right from the moment I held them in my arms,   Mind you it happened the opposite way for me.  I adopted five (from birth) then 10 years later at the age of 44, gave birth to a baby girl.  I did not love that little girl any more than I had loved my other five children, and I brought up six children with the same love for each one.

If there is even a tiny question that you may not love an adopted child, do not put that child's future at risk, by testing the waters.

Answer 9

I have a little bit of a different take on this .....when I was pregnant with my second child I could not imagine EVER loving my new baby as much as my oldest.  It was because she hadn't arrived yet, not because I wasn't a good person.  When you love someone so much it is hard to imagine loving another, but you do!  When my second daughter was born I couldn't have imagined that I would have thought such things.  There is always enough love to go around...and it is always unique...none of us loves every person in the same way...even our kids.

So, I say, if you are a loving, open-minded person as you seem to be than go for it!

Answer 10

No if you can't love an adopted child as much as your own, then you have got no business adopting.

Answer 11

if you really think you would not love your adopted children as much as your biological children, but still want to help, maybe you could look into being a foster parent later in life, when your kids are older.

however, you should also ask yourself if that would really happen.  would it be different if you adopted a baby instead of a toddler?  even if the child is 3 or 4, their entire memories of life will contain you, how much development and time have you really missed then?

don't rush it, think about all your options, and in the meantime enjoy and love your biological kids.

Answer 12

You answered your own question honey...

Answer 13

I think a lot of people feel the way you do before they adopt but find that after they adopt children and bond with them they love the adopted children every bit as much as their natural children.

Answer 14

If you think that you wont give the same amount of love to the adopted child as your son. Then you should not adopt.

Answer 15

if you dont think you can give the same amount of love to both children, i would not adopt....you can love both in different ways, but you must be able to love them the same, and treat them equally if you dont think you can do that, dont adopt, its not fair to you or the child.....

Answer 16

I think thats a question only you can answer.  We were told we could not have birthchildren.  We adopted a daughter then found out i was pregnant.  I remember wondering if i could ever love my birthchild as much as my beautiful daughter in my arms.  This child had all of my heart, she was my world no way could i love another child this much.  Guess what I did.  Your heart doubles in size and there is twice as much love to go around.  To some degree we all question if we can love our second child as much as our first.  Is the doubt more than this?  Again only you can answer.  Good Luck to you and your family.

Answer 17

It really depends I have heard of people who were afraid they wouldn’t be able to love an adopted child as much as a natural child. Who have then gone on to fall in love as soon as they are placed with their adopted child.  Also look at the fact that many parents question how they will be able to love 2nd child as much as they love their first, regardless or not if their first is biological or adopted. When you have your 2nd bio baby you  will likely  question before it is born how you could love it as much as you love your firstborn.  Do you have any natural siblings? If so do you love your adopted siblings any less?   Love just grows it doesn’t get less.  

I would even suggest talking to your father since he has done this, ask him about his feelings and fears that he had before he adopted older children already having at least one natural child.

Answer 18

It really depends..Do you think it would be obvious?  Would you treat the adoptive kids differently because if so thats really not fair to them... If you have no doubt however that you would love them unconditionally then go for it. Its possible that you will love and care for them but it would be a completely different kind of love. I suggest meeting the child or children first and see what you think.. I personally think children are easy to fall in love with so what could it hurt to meet with them..

Answer 19

I would say that if you already believe that, adoption is not for you.  Maybe you could consider fostering pre-teens or teens.

Answer 20

I lived the experience of never fully being accepted by my a.mom. No matter how hard I tried, I could never 'win her over' or gain her approval or her love.  It is a devastating loss.

I grew up believing that my first mother didn't want me. Then this woman (my a. mom) doesn't want me, either. What's wrong with me?  I lost my first mother & never really had a loving or bonded relationship with my 2nd mom.  

Do not adopt a child unless and until you KNOW without a doubt that you will love that child as your own.  I'm sorry, but I absolutely disagree wtih people who say 'you may', 'wait and see'.  Every person deserves more than a "maybe".

If, however, you decide to foster and you do fall in love with a child, then follow your heart. Every child deserves a stable home, a family & loving parents.

Thank you for being honest with yourself!

Best wishes~

Answer 21

Your intensions are good but won't be great in the long run if you can already admit to yourself that you don't think you would be able to love an adopted child as much as your biological child.  I'm glad you can admit that because I'm adopted & now that I have my own child would agree to those same feelings.   Like a couple other posters have mentioned it's not about having the 'same' love as with each of your own children your bound to have different kinds of love for them...but would you be able to not show favoritism or feel like your biological child is somewhat more loved or 'better' than the adopted child?  If you can't separate one being adopted from your own then it won't be fair to that child.

If you want to help other children perhaps you could open your home to be a foster care for older children that need a steady & loving environment but without the pressures of having them as your own.

Answer 22

no, not even if you might, You should love all your children unconditionaly ,no matter if you carried them or not