What if a woman just doesn't want to be a mother?

Question

There are two groups constantly discussed:

-those who are drug addicts, abusive and so on

-those who truly want to be mothers but who are limited by circumstances

But what about a third group? There are, in fact, mothers who give up their babies because they don't want to be mothers. They aren't poor, they aren't disadvantaged and they aren't coerced. You don't hear from these mothers on blogs, and support groups, and sites like this because they tend to move on with their lives (please don't simplify this by saying they are in denial). As hard as it is to believe, some don't feel this Mother-child bond.

Isn't there an implied judgement of these mothers by saying that we need to have every single baby (except for addiction) stay with their mother? What of those who just don't want to parent...isn't it better they are given to those who do?

I'm particularly interested in how "family preservationists" view this.

Answer 1

Applause to Amosunk.....

Answer 2

I guess my opinion is that if they know they don't want to be a mother, then they should be doing everything possible to prevent the pregnancy from ever happening in the first place.  However, if it happens anyway and they're giving the baby up to a family it's a little better as there are a lot of couples unable to conceive.  But I absolutely don't think that someone should get to be reckless (sleep around, never use protection) and have an abortion just because they're not ready or it's 'inconvenient.'

Answer 3

I am not a family preservationist, but I think it is great that people can self assess and make the right choice for themselves.  If figure you hvae three choices (aborft, adopt, keep) and each parent must do what is right for them.  If they don't want to be a mother, send them to the (long) list of parents who do.

Answer 4

i'm assuming your question is limited to women who just happened to get pregnant by themselves because you make no mention of a father at all.  this is so typical, that why would you bother because they are all worthless, when a mother wants to give her child away, and the father does not, if he objects, than he is almost never given that chance once the adoption system is involved. even if he does everything possible, by law he cannot stop the adoption no matter what.   he will be acused of everything under the sun, considered a "trouble maker", called a "mere sperm donor", among other awfull tactics, and in the end will almost allways, prove to be no match, against the adoption agencies that have the will to take his child. none the less, if this same question were asked about a man, just imagine what we might answer,( not pretty ), but will be required to support the child until adulthood, or be sent to prison if he just decides he doesn't want to be a father. but other than that their not even worth mentioning.

Answer 5

Although I believe that staying within the natural family is optimal, if a woman plain and simply does not want her child, then an alternative needs to be found.  If there are family members, it's best that they raise the child.  If not, outside adoption can be sought.

Answer 6

Oh, I don't know...try to find someone within the child's family to raise the child before we just rush off to the adoption mill?

Does anyone care about the rights and feelings of adoptees, or do we just not matter as long as infertiles get their baybees?

Answer 7

We see on the news practically every night of mothers who didn't choose adoption and who didn't abort their kids who have no business being mothers.  There are many, many kids who are being raised by a natural mother who has no natural instinct on how to be a mother and not interested in learning and really doesn't seem to have an interest in their children.  These kids are drug though life by selfish moms who make decisions by what THEY want to do with no regard on how it effects their kids.  I've got elementary-aged kids at my school who have gone to as many as 11 schools--including a first grader who has been in 7 different schools-- because mom moves in with one boyfriend after another dragging her kids with her with every move.  This is real life, folks.  I'm sure many of these kids wished they had a different life.

So, in answer to your question, YES.  There are women who simply don't want to be mothers.  They are lacking the desire to be mothers.  Some will admit that up front and choose adoption for their kids.  I will always believe that adoption is a LOVING choice if you know that you don't want to parent for whatever reason.  

Some choose to parent even if they know they aren't meant to be mothers.  Maybe they were coersed into being mothers.  They don't bond with their kids, They don't think about what's best for the kids.  They don't set a good example for the kids.  They don't show love for the kids.   They don't care for the kids.  

I feel sorry for their kids.  It breaks my heart.

Answer 8

There are so many ways to prevent pregnancy. I think if these women don't want to be mothers, DON'T GET PREGNANT!!!

And of course, if someone doesn't want or can't take care of their baby, for whatever reason...they should give it to a family that will love a rasie the child in a better place.

Answer 9

I'm a zealous family preservationist, but I'm with you 100%. If a woman doesn't want to mother, or doesn't want to mother a particular child, she shouldn't have to and there should be no stigma on it. I knew a lady who was starving her 3 year old to death. She was a fairly good mom to her 8 others, but was suffering a form of psychosis induced by a rape that caused her to abuse  only this one. She kept the child due to community pressure and that she hadn't told a soul she was raped. How much better would it have been if she had been able to leave the baby at the hospital with no stigma.

Answer 10

What if a woman just doesn’t want a baby?

That’s a good question and relevant to today’s time.  We live in a society that praises the Individual.  The rugged individual - self-centered as he or she may be – rises to the top.  Women are no less immune to this contagion than men.  Today, and in years past, some women simply do not want to be mothers.  Whether this is a majority or minority, I have no information (Phil: to your question, it is consistent that some women chose to carry to term and yet not mother; an egotist may refuse to kill an unborn child simply to ensure her own personal salvation - based on her understanding of a moral or religious creed - and yet not care about the child itself).

So if a woman doesn’t want a baby she can, and likely will, give it up; the adoption industry is in place and quite hungry for such women.  Nevertheless, I submit that her action is an immoral choice because it is predicated on a self-centered concern, i.e. greed.  The woman you mention wants to live her life and not concern herself with those around her.  Would it be better for her to keep the child?  Maybe, Maybe not.  It’s possible she could grow to be a loving parent with time.  Or its possible the aparents she gives the child to would be cruel.  On the other side, it’s equally likely, that she might resent and mistreat the baby, or that the aparents would be great people. The fact is, the bmom does not know the future.  By giving the child up she is putting the child at unknown risk simply because she wants to neglect her responsibility.

In summary,

- Yes, this situation can exist (in fact one bmom on this forum said as much)

- Yes, adoption is an alternative for such a bmom

- But, such an action stems from immoral intent

Thus, we should help men and women to understand and accept their responsibilities rather than provide an easy way to avoid them.  That's a summary of my family preservationist view.

P.S. I think it is odd that you did not mention bdad’s.  If a bmom does not want the baby, rather than consider adoption, she should first ask the bdad.  He has a responsibility too.

Answer 11

That's an interesting question. I suspect most people expect a woman to feel the need or urge to be a parent at some point in their lives to perpetuate the life cycle. Some, if not many, may find it strange that a woman would not want to participate in this.

Are you directly speaking of women who become pregnant and give up the child for adoption based on their lack of desire to be a mother?

I think there is a lot of judgment out there on all women who make that decision. But it really is entirely up to the woman, is it not? Surely it would be better for the child to be with a family who wants them rather than to be with its birth mother who never truly bonded with them in the first place.

Again, very interesting question.

Answer 12

I am a member of this third group. Granted, I am only just 18, but every time I hear my parents talk about their future grandkids I want to scream! You are right, there are many women who do want children, some (like a15-year-old friend of mine) just can't wait for marriage to have them. And yes, there are likely just as many women who never wanted to have them, or didn't feel that maternal link with them.

I feel it is the most unselfish thing in the world to give up your child to someone who deserves it. In the before-times, around Middle Ages I think, the most noble thing a woman could do is give one of her babies to another who couldn't have one.

Good luck choosing a Best Answer, the 4 you've got already are all good ones!

Answer 13

From my perspective, it doesn't matter why my mother wanted to put me up for adoption, the pain is still the same no matter what the reason.

I think that if a woman really doesn't want to be a mother, then so be it.  But the issues for the child she abandons are still going to be the same, that cannot be changed.

ETA:  I think it's pretty mean for some people to jam down our throats that our mothers may not have wanted us.  In my case, that's  ALL I've ever thought about and it's been eating away at me my whole life.

Please, people, have a little sensitivity to other people's feelings. SOME adoptees ARE hurting, and just because you're not, doesn't mean you should kick us while we're down.

Answer 14

WONDERFUL FANTASTIC INCREDIBLE QUESTION!!!  I'm sooo happy someone asked this and don't undertand why I never did.  I DO have friends who love kids but do not ever want them...their dr's tell them they are too young to be sterilized.  One of them knows that if she got pregnant, it would be a baby, not a clump of cells so would not abort....she's even offered to be a surrogate for a friend (but friend got preggers).  This is something that DOES happen.  Not every woman has the urge to reproduce...or be a baby factory.  I, myself, told my mom at 12 that I wanted 5 or 6  boys but I'm a little odd!  lol

Answer 15

As the years progress and society and culture continue to unravel and feed and grow self gratification and selfishness, its more and more common that woman make babies they just dont want to mother.

I think its an excellent thing to have them adopted out, especially in our nation where theres so very man adoptive parents waiting for children who otherwise wouldnt be available.

Forcing a child to stay with a potentially neglectful or possibly abusive mother, or at least an emotionaly abuse/neglectful one, is wrong. Every child should be loved and cherished.

They shouldnt be made in the first place without that mindset on the part of the parents, but for thos circumstances where it does happen, there are always wonderful families waiting to adopt.

Answer 16

I have some peripheral experience in this, as my mother gave her first child up for adoption (she got preg. when she was 15), and also, I knew a couple that waited for 10 years to find a child to adopt.

I think it's the most loving thing a woman could possibly do, because there are MANY more couples who want to adopt, than there are babies for them (because abortion is the most popular choice).

I think regardless of what your view of abortion is, it's bizarre that it's considered somehow more shameful to have the baby and give it up, than it is to abort it.

I think this is why there are so many kids being raised (and murdered, for that matter) by mothers who don't want them.

We as a society demonize these women, and I think that needs to change.

Answer 17

i couldnt imagine a mother not wanting her baby i have been trying to concieve for almost eight months now . and more than anything i want a baby it boggles my mind the idea of a woman being so heartless

Answer 18

just as some men as not worthy or being a father, some women are not worthy of being a mother....it is just a biological thing

Answer 19

interesting question:

i have a friend who wants no children, ever.  although she's an educator and *hearts* my kids, she feels that she is not emotionally nor physically able to sacrifice herself for a child.  personally, i have no problem with that.

what she did, however was this:  during college and gradschool, she had an norplant and most recently an iud. at the end of this year, she's having a tubal ligation.

i honestly believe that if a woman doesn't want to have children, these are the populations who 1) usually are consistant with contraception, or 2) have abortions when contraception fails.

yet, if a few of these women did manage to deliver their children, then i do think adoption is fine.  this would kinda fall under the "abuse/neglect" clause that many here say we would support adoption. in addition, i would support adoption in this order: 1) family, 2) community, 3) culture of origin.

yet, somehow, i find these women the minority.  most would terminate the pregnancy.

Answer 20

Some are in denial, period.  Some have sensitivity chips missing, I agree.

If they care so little about children, then I sure wish they'd abort, and get sterilized just like the ASPCA recommends.

Answer 21

This is EXACTLY my situation!  

My bparents were married at the time of my birth.  Both lived healthy lifestyles.  She was in college; he was gainfully employed.  They had tons of family support.  But, they just didn't want to be parents.  I believe that they had real goals that they wanted to achieve that would have been more difficult and taken longer to achieve if they had a baby to take of.  So, I was relinquished for adoption.  

Actually, I think it would have been horrible to be raised by people who didn't want me, that resented my being, who wished that I had not been born.  Luckily, my adoption turned out really well for me.  However, the more I research and learn, I realize that my case is exceptional and rare.

My bmom refused contact when I searched for her.  Other family members have told me that she wants contact, but refused because she is so ashamed of what she did and fears that I hate her.  Bdad said that relinquishing me for adoption was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life and he had no idea of the repercussions that would follow him the rest of his life.  

Would we have been better off together?  We will never know for sure.  Be that as it may, adoption did do some of the shaping of our lives.  For me, it turned out well.  For my bparents, it shaped and eventually deformed a great portion of their lives.

Answer 22

I agree with you!  I've tried to point that out many times but no one really wants to hear that.  It's hard for some adoptees to accept the fact that their birth mother could possibly fall into that category....that they just didn't want them.....that there were no circumstances holding them back from being a mother.  I guess that's why they'd prefer to characterize all birth mothers as either young, naive saints whose arms were twisted by a corrupt system....or addicted mothers who deep down want their child but are victim to their circumstances in life.  Yes, I suppose it is easier to face that truth rather than thinking "my mother just didn't want me period."  

But it's true....and hiding your head in the sand doesn't make that reality go away.  Not all women are cut out to be mothers.  Just because they have the physical equipment to make a baby doesn't mean they have emotional strength to RAISE a child.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  any moron can make a baby.....it takes real strength of character, patience, & love to actually raise a child.  I'm not sure why some on here seem unwilling to recognize or accept the fact that just because a woman pops out a baby, does not make her a suitable mother.

Answer 23

What ??? not be a mother??? oh my god, how would an adoptee feel to find out that their mother way up high on a pedastal just didn't want to be a mother?

ok, sorry about that but i figured i was going to be chewed up and spit out anyway . . .

not everyone is meant to be a mother.  either they realize they can't do it at that point in their life, they have educational or professional goals that they wish to achieve prior to that, etc.  There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever.  however, these are the women who will get coerced into keeping their babies.

are these the kids that end up in foster care later?

ETA:  someone wrote that the moms must be in denial then . . .denial of what? not every woman wants to be a mom and it's attitudes like that that COERCE a woman into being a mom.

Maybe she carried the baby full term because she doesn't believe in abortion? maybe she carried it full term and went through the proper counseling and made her decision to relinquish.

denial is a term thrown around here so loosely to explain why someone is not on board the adoption is horrible train.  This attitude that adoption is something we must 'recover' from like a 12 step program is absurd.  Joe Soll and his minions are perpetuating the myth that we can not be whole.

I'm tired of hearing adoptees complain that all of their issues are the result of their adoption (i never hear a man blame his drinking problem on his circumsion). . . .but what are the bios supposed to blame it on if they have issues with depression or 'messed up' personal lives?  how about just blaming it on not coping? on life?  instead of finding an excuse that blames everyone else but yourself.

good god.

ETA:  Mande -- you are correct about women being demonized if they don't want children.  and this board will draw and quarter any woman who feels adoption is reasonable.

Answer 24

If mothers really don't want a child, then it would be detrimental to the child to be raised where it is unwanted.

That doesn't mean the child doesn't experience a loss.  (After all, while I suppose some don't have any such instinct, I suspect that being cared for by a mother is instinctual in children.)  

But I'm very puzzled.  Why would a woman carry a pregnancy to term, but has no interest whatsoever in the child?  How many such women are there?  You say "in fact," so I assume you have such facts at your disposal?  Where are your facts from?

As an aside, I think it is you who are simplifying by suggesting "they tend to move on with their lives."  Is their NINE MONTH pregnancy really a "non-issue" the way you suggest?  Something must have happened for a woman to decide to carry a child she didn't care about for nine months.  I don't know if "denial" is proper to apply in these cases (because I have yet to meet such a case), but you sound as though you are talking about a hypothetical person with no feelings, rather than a real person.

Edited to Add:  Why would someone who doesn't care about her child NOT believe in abortion?  What's the basis for that?  (I'm really curious.  I have no idea how those two ideas coexist.)

What I meant about hypothetical was a person who just "squeezed out a life and walked away whistling."  That sounds pretty hypothetical to me.  

But since you say you have the facts, where are they?  Give examples or data.  Saying "you know people" sounds a lot like how urban legends usually begin.

ETA: As I explained in my response to your e-mail, you claim that these mothers "move on with their lives" and then chastise us to not oversimplify.  But YOU are oversimplifying.  They do NOT simply "move on with their lives."  

I don't know why you need to attack me.  I asked for facts to back up your assertions.  You provided facts that some women don't bond with their children.  But that wasn't the assertion I challenged.  I challenged the assertion that these women don't feel anything (as implied by your "move on" comment and your admonition not to "simplify").  Your response didn't provide FACTS.  Your response was to change your claim.

Your claim in your e-mail that I don't have a right to speak on this issue because I've never been pregnant seems off-base.  But at the very least, I've learned my lesson.  I won't bother answering your questions in the future, if that's the way you feel about it.

Answer 25

i LOVE kids, dont believe in abortion, and yet dont want any. I'm not religious in any way either.