What inaccurate 'truths' do you hear adoptive parents use that drive you crazy?

Question

In my fifth decade of being an adopted person, I have heard hundreds of supposedly self-evident 'truths' about adoption that I know are inherently false.

What phrases, parts of speech, or 'truths' have you heard about adoption, that you believe are untrue for most adoptees or the adoptive situation?

Or maybe truths that are denied by some as inauthentic?

If these truths and non-truths are perpetuated, is it damaging for adopted children? Please give example and reason WHY it's wrong or right.

An example of my own, and why it's wrong:

"I just know God meant for me to be the mother of my little Madisyn!"

The person who makes a statement like this is saying that God makes mistakes. If God were controlling everything here on Earth, wouldn't he keep 'Madisyn' with the mother she was given to naturally? And wouldn't God make every woman fertile? Also makes a kid resent God, they'd wonder WHY God would take her away from her mother.

Answer 1

More money = "better life".

Lack of money = unfit to be a parent

Unplanned pregnancy = crack w***e

I am infertile = birth control does not fail

Delay of family to fulfill material and travel desires = qualifications to be parents

iwannababyNOW = a zillion unfortunates who are drooling to meet my need

I paid $30,000 for a child = I am expert at parenting

Answer 2

You are lucky that you were raised by the parents you had. Ha if they knew half the truth, it would blow their mind.  Your mother was weak and couldn't stand up for herself you were better being raised by your parents.  You should really be grateful because you could have been aborted or dumped in a dumpster.  I bet your parents are ashamed of you.

I hear it all the time.  It makes me want to puke.  It makes my adoptive mother want to puke.  It makes my adoptive sisters want to puke.

Answer 3

Are you married?  Do you feel that God brought you and your husband/sig other together?  Why didn't he just have you two be born accross the street from each other so that you could grow up together?

Your statement implies that the baby being born to another woman was a mistake.  Free will allows people to make mistakes, including unwanted pregnancies.  Maybe the situation that you are describing was an opportunity, provided by God, for the birthmom to make such a profound effect on the adoptive parents' lives that they would turn back to God.  Maybe?

Answer 4

Well, I really don't like people making references to abortion all the time.

"You're lucky, you could have been aborted."  Excuse me?

My firstmom never had any intention of aborting me.  It is rude to make that assumption just because I am adopted.  Nervy really.

I also am tired of hearing people complain that there are no babies available because they are all being aborted.  That is just not true.  There is no empirical evidence of that.  The biggest factor that has affected adoption is that many women have decided to parent their children rather than relinquish.  But you don't hear anyone saying that.

And if that is really what people think then they should take it a step further.  Birth control and s*x education is another thing that has reduced adoption rates, right? So in other words should society be encouraging women to have unsafe s*x so that they can provide babies for needy couples? No, of course not.    

This is the same analogy people are making when they pull the abortion card. We're not very far from a Handmaid's Tale.

The truth is, no woman owes their baby to the adoption machine.  For some, it may be something they need to do but saying that abortion is keeping people from getting a baby is just absurd.

No one owes anyone their baby.

Answer 5

Why would you statement be untrue? It is after all possible that God did want the child to be raised by her adoptive parents, after all you cannot read God's mind. Every thing happens for a reason, and with the proper teachings, the child would not resent God, but thank him for giving them to the home they are in. Nothing in life is perfect, but a person comes to learn that each situation is fulfilling a reason. I mean after all, would you want everyone to be perfect and the same? that would get boring fast.

Answer 6

I know of (our, this, a...) birthmother who placed her child for adoption and she's moved on... just fine... it doesn't bother her.  Or some other variation of that sentiment.

What bothers me about that 'truth' is that many birthmothers keep their woe, discontent, conflicting emotions to themselves or to very close friends/significant others.  I highly doubt especially in the case of open adoptions where a birthmother would tell the adoptive parents of her child how she really felt.  =o/

Edit to add: I *never* said all.  I said it drives me nuts when it gets said.  Also in her question, the op never said all either.  It's the statement when said that 99% of the time comes off poorly.

Answer 7

I don't remember getting any of the 'lines'.  I wasnt 'chosen'...my parent wanted a baby girl and I happened to be the one born and given up at that time.  I, myself, have used a couple of the lines, I think but as of right now I can't remember which ones, if any.  I believe I was meant to be raised by my mom. God?  I don't know. But my mom is my mom.

Answer 8

I DO think God put me in his life for a reason. HIs mother was going to abort him because he was sick. Just because we have trials, doesn't mean it was a mistake. God promises us EVERLASTING life, not a hunky spunky life on Earth. With out pain, we couldn't know pleasure, Without sorrow, we couldn't have Joy.

Every trial we go through, is just another chance to show God that we have faith and look to him for guidance.

We are imperfect, not God.

But to answer you question the "truths" that ALL people involved in adoption is the say

"Adoption is.... fill in the blank" or

"adoptive parents think.... fill in the blank" ,

"Why are all birthmother.... fill in the blank" ,

"why do all adoptive parents.... fill in the blank"

Not every adoption is the same. And dispite what anyone says I do know that his b-mom had a huge loss and greif, And I have NEVER said that she "got over it" or "it was easy" I am greatful for her decision and for giveing my son life. Adoptions was the HARD decision over abortion.

Answer 9

There are tons of inaccurate info about adoption out there.  It comes from all sides of the triad.  But there are also many things out there that are assumed as "inaccurate" that are not.  I had no idea how prevalent some issues/concerns were in adoption until I began talking with others.  This is how we educate society - but we must be willing to listen as well as educate.

I know adoptees get a bad rap - but so do we adoptive parents also.  An example is your comment and reference to God.

I do believe God has a place in adoption.  I believe that because of the free will that God gave us, we are responsible for our own actions.  God gives us solutions to our problems.  I believe that I was an infertile mother and God answered my prayer with my son who needed a loving, safe family. I believe that God put us in touch with each other thru a mutual friend.

Another belief that I hold dearly is that the God that I worship gave His only Son to be raised by a man who was not his bio-father.  In the days of Jesus, it was the father that raised the child, was responsible for the teachings of the child, etc.  If God trusted His own Son, Jesus, to be raised by an "adoptive" parent, then why is it a mistake for others to see Adoption as a Gift?  Miracles happen every day.  I am criticized because I refer to Adoption as our miracle and that in order for that Miracle to occur, a loss or tragedy occurred first.  Most miracles have a sad story behind them.  The woman who is cured of cancer; the survivors of the terrorist attacks on 9-11; the sole survivor of a plane crash.  If you think about it, a miracle is when a bad situation has a positive outcome.  Why should our adoption be any different?  

I'd love to debate this topic with anyone - just email me.

Answer 10

God does not make mistakes.  God knows that my husband and I could not have children- and He also knew that we both wanted to be parents- so how do you think we would be parents? BY ADOPTION.  I cannot answer why God does not make every woman fertile, but I can say, that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He never makes a mistake.  I am also adopted and I know that God placed me in the home of my 2 adoptive parents. Our 3 birth moms- knew that it was the right thing to do. I do not resent God, as a matter of fact-  I love Him, because He loved me enough to give me life- and my birth mom and the birth moms of my kids chose life.  The birth mom of my son, told us "I know God led me to you, to be parents for my child".

Answer 11

The one that really gets me is the tire old line "we saved him/her". Most adoptees don't need saving they need someone to give their parents a hand. Again I am compelled to say... It takes a village!

The other one is the misconception that most adoptees are placed because their natural parents are addicts, prostitutes, alcoholics and the like. Most natural parents are NOT any of the above.

Thirdly would be when adoptees are told to be "grateful" and not search for their natural families. What does wanting to know your roots have to do with how you feel towards the family who raised you? NOTHING!

As for truths that are denied. Coercion tactics. So many still refuse to admit that this is happening. The vast number of natural moms who say it is going on should be enough proof. One or two or even a hundred people may be telling tall tales but thousands of mothers and fathers telling the same story should be cause for concern. Then again who would want to admit that they willingly shifted another persons "choice" to better fit with their own goals?

Answer 12

for god sake sunny! Havnt you got anything else better to do than write questions that are hurtful or whatever.

So what if the parents decide that god has given them a miricle. Whats wrong with that????

If the kid was adopted, then they wernt meant to be with the birth mother. Some things just are not meant to be. Let go move on.

Answer 13

-adoption builds forever families.

adoption builds families on the premise of loss. it is this loss that i find issue; especially when the perspectives of those who have experiened the loss are silenced and vilified for speaking out.

-babies are better off with two loving parents than a single mom.

divorce rates are not exclusive to non-adoptive families. adoptive parents get divorced just like non-adoptive parents do.  

also, there is a trend towards single-parent adoption which kinda makes that whole "2-parent argument" suspect.

-------------------------------------

-i was in the delivery room when my son came into the world. my husband even cut the cord!

hmmm... i thought adoption was not final until revocation.

the correct statement is: "i witnessed the delivery of a woman's baby that she later relinquished to me. my husband got to cut the cord of this woman's baby."

i can go on....

Answer 14

"Your birth parents loved you so much that..."

It is just a nice lie that we tell children to make them feel better.  My bparents simply did not love me.  They did not even know I was a girl until I searched.  Relinquishing me for adoption was simply a way to make achieving their real ambitions easier.

Most of the information on my birth certificate!  And the fact that I am also listed as a child that "died" on my bbrother's birth certificate.

So, I am both alive and dead.  I don't think I need to explain why that is a problem.

Answer 15

"My hairdresser's cousin's boyfriend's mother is adopted and she's FINE with it!"

This is wrong because rarely does an adoptee speak his/her true feelings to a stranger! They often don't speak of their true feelings to their adopters either.

"Adoption is just another way to make a family."

This is wrong because it implies that adoption is just fine and dandy when many of us know that it has caused horrible life-long traumas. Adopters say the above like I might say "Steak fajitas is just another way to make steak."

"I'm the real mother. I wiped Timmy's buttcheeks, and stayed up all night when he had the stomach flu."

Any paid nanny can wipe butts, and clean up puke, etc. Doing the grunt work of parenting does not automatically make someone a parent. Now I will not define "parent" for anyone else, that is up to each individual to decide, but for me, my mother is my mother.

"I fell in love with Susie the moment I saw her picture!"

This is the talk of a crazy person who should only be allowed to adopt a pet rock.

Answer 16

If this is really about why does God let good people suffer then think about this:

When the faithful man Job lived on earth there was a challange.  The challange that Satan told God was that people like Job only serve you because you protect them and give them good things (children, servents, land, good health, etc.).  He said if you let me take those things away then he won't serve you anymore.  God said you can try it but don't kill him.  Job lost everything even got boils and a really nasty disease but he refused to curse God and die as his wife recomended.  He was able to prove that people could remain loyal.  The moral of the story is that God is not the one CAUSING the suffering, he allows it for a period of time.  He has promised that the future will not have the bad things we see happening now.  We are being allowed to excersice the free will that we were given.  You have to look at Job and say can I remain loyal when bad things happen too?

Answer 17

"Adoptive families like to say their families were formed by God. If so, then why do they need marketing to get the job done? If God wants to form a family by adoption, then prospective adoptive parents need to sit back, shut up and let Him do it. They shouldn't sell themselves with saccharine ads and gooey posters, troll for babies on the Internet, or omit crucial facts in those "Dear Birthmother" letters. (And while they're at it, they should never refer to a pregnant woman as a "birthmother" at all. A woman is not a birthmother until she has signed away her legal rights to her child, so an expectant mother can never be a birthmother. Calling her one denies reality, forces her to think of herself as something she may not want to become, and is coercive in the extreme.)

Prospective adopters who paint themselves as the Cleavers of the nineties are hawking the family for gain. Thankfully, a lot of potential birthmothers see through it--but many of the younger, more naive ones do not. Babyselling is rightfully despised in our culture, yet somehow baby soliciting is not. There are plenty of non-coercive, dignified ways for prospective adopters to get the word out that they hope to adopt. Let's use them. We must bring back integrity to the adoption process, or we haven't progressed much since the days of the orphan trains"

Answer 18

what you forgot about God is he gives us the mind to reason and make up our own minds. therefore he has no control over you persay. so can't lay it on him. well its like sometimes the person giving up the child has to have a reason to say i am not taking this child becasue and there is the reason.well ok so what? whether its not trueor is true. so what? i mean they are not wanting to raise the person they have. so its to the adopted to be gone and raised by soemone that is loving. wouldn't you say? it does not matter who the person is but will be caring and nurturing to the child. that is all i can say take care.

Answer 19

It really drives me crazy when discussing equal access rights for adopted citizens and I hear people say things like, "Well, they gave you up for a reason...."  (gee, no kidding) or "I know someone who is adopted and she has no interest in meeting her biological parents.  She said her adopted parents are her parents."

Well, assume much?  What does any of this have to do with adopted citizens having the same rights as non-adopted citizens??????  What narrow-minded, unthinking assumptions about adopted persons.  I guess we're just not grateful enough.  If adoptees were grateful they certainly wouldn't want equal rights.  Ya, I guess that women who wanted the vote were ungrateful to their husbands who were taking care of them just fine.  How dare they want to stomp into a man's arena.

Answer 20

I can't STAND the 'better off' talk - about ALL adoptees lives.

Especially when that talk is about a child not even yet born.

No one can say a child will be 'better off' - without the use of a crystal ball.

The life will be DIFFERENT - but until you've lived that other life (which no one can ever do) - it can never be claimed as BETTER.

Some adoptees have searched out their bio fam - and found messed up peoples - but who is to say that the whole process of losing a child to adoption didn't mess them up to start with??

Sure - there are many children that are actually being harmed - and parental rights are taken away - the child's life would be hopefully become better with a new loving family.

Sadly - even then - some adoptees end up with bad adoptive parents also.

In adoption - there are no guarantees - as there are no guarantees with life itself.

The claim of 'BETTER' is used far too often in justifying an often tragic situation - which is - the separation of mother/family and child.

Answer 21

"Why would you want to find the mother who abandoned you."

(She didn't. I was taken away b/c she was poor & living w/a man)

"Birth mothers are heroic for choosing to give their child a better life." & "Adoption is a loving choice."

(Heroic? Only until the papers are signed-then they become the women who abandoned their babies. It's not "choosing" when they feel they have no other choice. A "better life" is sometimes questionable.)

"Adoptees search to fill a void/replace the parents who raised them"  

"Adoptees who search are ungrateful."

"Adoptees have a better life with their (adopted) parents"

"Adoptive parents are wonderful"....or are "'saving' a child."

(how about adoptees 'saving' a family for a childless couple?)

I have a problem with people attributing to God what THEY want from God.  "A mother prayed for a child and God answered."  Does that mean my mother's prayers to keep me went unheard or unheeded by God?  Why would a loving God deny my mother's prayers?  Did she not pray hard enough?  Was she less worthy?  The arguments offered for having "prayers answered" or that "God meant for me to be her mom" mean my mom wasn't as good in God's eyes.  

I was adopted by a woman who didn't really want to adopt me, but agreed to appease my father.  Then she abused me physically and emotionally throughout my childhood.  Was that God's plan?  Did He not hear my prayers? Was I not "worthy" enough?  Maybe it was because I didn't "thank Him for the home I was in"?  It's a ridiculous argument!

Thank God for all you have. Pray to God for strength and guidance. Pray that He help you accept what you cannot change or cannot understand. That I get.  

As for the story about Job, well, the loving God I believe in wouldn't make a bet with the devil using His loving SON (remember, we are ALL God's children) as a pawn.  

No, God doesn't cause all the suffering on earth, but is always there to help us endure.  In God, all things are possible. With His help, we can get through difficult times.  

Yes, God gave us free will...though I don't know how that fits in with Job. Certainly it wasn't Job's will to be used as a pawn in a bet.  

Can I remain loyal if bad things happen?  Loyal to a mean, petty image of god? Who would make a bet with my soul? No, I don't believe in that god.  I don't believe in that interpretation.  

People who try to interpret the bible with no understanding of the customs & idioms of the time the story was written often end up with misinterpretations, even well meaning folks.

PS As Isabel A said, abortion wasn't even an OPTION for the 4 million moms who relinquished during the "baby scoop era" (between 1944 - 1970) - when  my mom was pregnant with me.  Nor would she have chosen abortion. She told me she hoped to have a little girl and was happy when I was born.  

As for the drop in babies: In 1970, 80% of unwed mom's relinquished their babies for adoption. By 1983, only 4% of unwed mom's chose adoption.  

Abortion wasn't "legal" until 1973. Even with the passage of Roe v. Wade, abortion wasn't immediately available in every state, & often  there were many limitations and challenges for women seeking abortion.