What is Your Opinion of 'Dear Birthmother' Letters?

Question

Is it possible for anyone not to compare themselves unfavourably with the perfect picture painted in these types of letters? or is that the whole point of them?

Answer 1

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make a connection with a birth mother (if the baby isn't born yet she's still the birthmother, regardless of what happens) when adopting a child. I was adopted in 1980 and don't think that a letter was required or the norm back then. The purpose of the letter isn't to compare how you would be a "better" mother, but to show what you do have to offer the child. I don't know if they should be a requirement for adoption but I think if people are honest and open its better for the child. And please remember, this is just my opinion on things and  I am sorry if anyone feels offended. I know adoption is a touchy subject sometimes.

Answer 2

there good

Answer 3

I find them in very poor taste.

First of all the mother is not a birthmother till after all the T's have been crossed and the I's dotted. Up to that point she is an expectant mother just like all other pregnant women in the world.

I personally could never write such a letter to where I am trying to make my self sound like the perfect parent for someone else's unborn child.

Answer 4

These letters, that many prospective adoptive parents post on their web-sites, are very offensive to me.  First of all, a letter addressed to "Dear Birthmother" is just the wrong terminology.  A "birthmother" can only be a woman who has already relinquished her child.  Any woman expecting a baby is simply and only an "expectant" mother.  I also find the lack of consideration for fathers noteworthy.  The implicit assumption that the parents have already decided to relinquish their child is cavalier and a not so subtle form of coercion.

Obviously the potential adoptive parents writing these letters want to present themselves in the most positive light possible.  I understand that.  None the less, the underlying message in all the "Dear Birthmother" letters that I have read is:  we are better parents, we have more money, our house is bigger, we can give your child every material thing that you can't.  Is that what these prospective adoptive parents think children need to grow up healthy and happy?  If they do, well...should they really be raising children?  And, I have seen many letters that implied that the prospective adoptive parents believed that they would be able to "save", "fix", or "improve" any child offered to them.  All children, adopted or not, should be allowed to grow into the person he/she wishes to become.  We all have faults, but not many of us are willing to be so obviously improved.

I often wonder if adoptive parents save those letters in Baby Books or Scrap Books for their adopted children to read some day.  I was adopted a long time ago, when such letters simply did not exist.  But if my adoptive parents had written to attract the attention of my birthparents...I wonder if I would see that letter as a sort of contract?  If I would hold my adoptive parents accountable for the promises that they made in the letter?   And evaluate their initial, idealistic portrayal with the reality that became my life?

Answer 5

I think they are disgusting.

Talk about pimping yourself, yuck.

Answer 6

You know, even before I knew about the coercion and corruption in adoption, I just could not stomach these letters.  I have a book called, "Dear Birthmother" (it's actually about letters written after the adoption, and I thought it might be a good book to read, to give me hints about connecting with my child's mother/family after the adoption).  I think the intentions behind the book were good, but I just felt "wrong" reading it.  It's the same type of thing as the pre-birth letters, it just takes place after placement.  Granted, some of the book is good, (at least some of what I read was good), but there's still the underlying, "you did the right thing, we're so happy with your child," etc.  Ick!  Why would I want to tell a woman who lost her baby that I'm so happy because of her loss?

Writing pre-birth letters isn't part of our process, since we're adopting through foster care, and I'm extremely thankful for that.  Now, I understand why I felt so creeped out when I heard about these letters (and read the above book).  I couldn't even imagine having the gall to write something like that.  I'm no better than my future child's mother.  I'm just as human, and have just as many faults and fears as she does.  Who the heck am I to be telling some pregnant woman, "I'm so much better than you, so I think you ought to give me your baby."

Answer 7

When we had to do a letter, (it ended up unread as we adopted from foster care in a situation where there was no ability for parents to help choose the parents) we made certain to not paint a perfect picture.  We jsut told about our life, the practical ins and outs.  I didn't go on a weeping story about this being our destiny, nor did I highlight our financial status, just gave a real picture of a day in the life of who we are, good and bad!

I also believe that they can be useful when done properly to allow the mother to choose best family for her child.  By best family, in a letter something may "click" , even something silly like a dog's name, with that family.  Of course more follow up on that couple is needed, but it is a good first way for the mothers to be involved.

The problem is when people write coersive things in the letter, or things that may upset the mother.  

Comparison?  Well I guess any mother reading them will compare herself, but in reality won't a mother do that with open adoption, or any adoption in general?  I think adoption in general lends itself to comparison, I will admit to, during my infertile days (which is a misnomer, I am still infertile, just not actively searching to rectify that situation) I would see a 17 year old with 4 children in tow (I was a foster mom, so of course I saw the bad, I am NOT saying all 17 year old moms) but a very young mother who repeatedly has children, and yep I compared myself to her in my own head.

But I digress, I think they can be useful, and they can be harmful.  PRetty much like all aspects of adoption.

Answer 8

They give me a creepy, icky feeling, not sure why.  Something about them just doesn't sit right with me.

Answer 9

How "Real" can anyone be when writing these things.

They should rename it "How I'm better than you and more 'able' to raise your baby....letter"

We did a private adoption and even though we already knew eachother the required us to write one. Guess what? It wasnn't all peaches and cream. It was honest and true to who we were. They felt as though we were mocking the "Process"

Answer 10

honestly, they remind me of admission essays to grad school.

in other words, a pap present themselves in the best possible light, totally understanding that they are not only trying to impress a POTENTIAL f-mom (she's not a birthmother until relinquishment); but to out-do the other paps who are posting letters.

personally, i think many are creepy.  simply because they are "selling" the idea of perfect parents, which in most cases is not accurate.

i would love to read a letter that tells about the paps quirks, idiosyncrasies, neurosis and other "human" traits. and not these antiseptic, nausea inducing, saccharin-filled essays.

Answer 11

I'm not really sure I understand your question - are you saying that the birth parents "would compare themselves unfavorably with the perfect picture" in the letters? And thereby be more inclined to make a decision to place their child for adoption? Forgive me if I'm reading you wrong, I'm just trying to understand the question.

When we wrote our dear birthmother letter, it was a way to introduce ourselves to someone considering adoption. We talked about our marriage, our faith, our desire to be parents. Our son's birth mom told us that one of the reasons she decided to place him for adoption was because she wanted a better life for him than what she knew she could provide - so I would think that reading our letter made her feel that she was choosing a family that could raise her son the way she'd like him to be raised.

Does that make sense?

Answer 12

I find them horribly tacky.  First and foremost, I really can't stand that those letters are called "Dear Birthmother" letters when the women reading them are expectant mothers, not even close to being birthmothers at that point.

Secondly, I really can't stand that the letters are copied and sent to places lurking for expectant mothers in crisis would be.  Why are they given the ob-gyn's to pounce on the expectant mothers before honest to goodness actual counseling is given for the crisis pregnancy and what options there are?  Why are they left with guidance counselors at high school?  To hand an expectant woman one of those letters is coercion.  It's to exploit her out of her child by telling her she is not good enough for her child because there are others out there more deserving.

And mostly I can't stand them because they hardly reflect the truth of what a potential adoptive family is and who they will be when entering an adoption.  I can't stand how they include the phrase, "we understand how difficult this decision is for you..." or some variation of that phrase.

Actually, besides the fact that these letters suck beans, it's just one more reason to add to the list that pre-birth and pre-relinquishment matching with potential adoptive parents is coercive and needs to be changed.