What is a better term to use than "Birthmother" or "Birthfather" etc?

Question

I'm probably one of the few adoptive parents here that can take the opinions posted here with a grain of salt. I think everyone is entitled to feel what they feel and voice what they believe. It has certainly been a very interesting read. I'm mostly here for practical advice though and have appreciated the advice I have been given so far. I'm not from the U.S., so a lot of the content in this site is hard to relate to. But its good to have a forum where everyone can speak their mind, no matter how emotionally charged a question may be. I think adoption is very complex, and it is a constant learning process. One thing I have noticed though on this site is that some people take offense to the terms "Birth ......." when referring to the parents who gave birth to the child obviously. This is a practical question and in no way intended as a discussion on whetheor the term "Birth........" is appropriate or not. I just want to know if anyone else has used a different term

Answer 1

I use the term biological parents.

Answer 2

I never really thought about what name to use. Natural parents is also good. Adopted parents are also good. I guess it depends how the natural parents feel,  if they want nothing to do with the child then they are egg donors and sperm donors.

  But then you have people that love to call the fathers sperm donors when the natural mothers won't or can't even remember the name of the man they slept with (sad isn't it) But then these woman are allowed to be called mothers.

elodie-- Why some people call the father birth father is without the father there would not be a birth.

Answer 3

With my children, if I need to clarify I will use either natural or biological parents.

Mostly whenever I talk about them I just say their parents.

Answer 4

mother or father are the correct terms to use

an adoptee has two sets of parents.

Answer 5

bio mom, probably. in our case, my husband's cousin and her boyfriend who are currently in jail for what they did to the baby who we're waiting to adopt.

Answer 6

If you're not from the US, where are you from? The united states is the only leading nation that uses birth terms as legal terms. the others use "natural parent" as the legal term for parents who have surrendered. I find it odd that you're out of country and didn't know that but nevertheless heres some other options:

natural parent ie natural mother / natural father

biological parent

parent ie mother or father

I don't use birth terms because they were invented by the social workers and agencies, the industry to lessen the connection between mother and child and are designed to help the adoptive parents feel more connected to the child than the surrendering parent.

Just another form of thought coercion.

Answer 7

Honestly I just call them by their first names. But if I am referring to them in conversation I say Birth Mom/Dad.

Answer 8

It would certainly depend on what an individual person wants to be called.

I know many first mothers that can't stand being called 'birth mother' or 'b-mother'. (it makes them feel like an incubator - placing them squarely in a box)

'Birth Father' - I find silly - as they don't give birth.

For me I say first mother or father.

Sometimes I write bio mother/father/family - as it's faster.

When talking - I call them all mother and father - as I have two families. Or I might refer to them each by their first names to clarify.

It can be tricky, but if people have specifically asked not to be called something - I try not to use it.

It's similar to many adoptive parents in the US dislike being called 'adopters' - where as in the UK it's often written in legal docs that way.

They're all just mum's and dad's to adoptive kids at the end of the day - and parents should encourage adoptees to not have to name them in ways that make adoptees have to choose who they are most loyal to.

Adoptees didn't ask to be placed in between.

Just my honest opinion.

Answer 9

I think it just depends on what is comfortable for someone. I personnel being adopted use the term biological parents, birthmother or birthfather Sometimes I even use genetic parents.

Answer 10

Well, since I have never heard of a father giving birth, I think first, natural or biological parent makes more sense.

Answer 11

I say Mother (who gave birth to me)

With Father I say Bio Father. HE knows NOTHING of my existence I am the result of a one night bonk in the 60's with which my Mother (who gave birth to me) does not remember his name or particulars

So he IS A Bio Father..he doesnt know I exist so can hardly be called First Dad Or Natural Dad.

You just need to use the terminology that YOU feel comfortable with and s***w everyone else - You cant please all the people all the time but you can please some of the people some of the time

:)

Answer 12

Although I refer to both of my mothers as "mother" or "mom" and both of my fathers "father" or "dad" in my everyday life, I refer to them on the Internet as my adoptive parents and my first parents (sometimes I say natural parents.)  Otherwise it gets too confusing as to which mom or dad I mean.

Answer 13

biological mom/dad

Answer 14

Yeah, I call them my real parents.

I refer to foster parents as storage lockers.

Adoptive parents as the people who purchased me.

Answer 15

personally i use natural when referring to my birth heritage and i can not think of any other term i would use by referring to the people who have raised me as their own i call them mum and dad what else

Answer 16

Biological parents

Answer 17

I usually use the term "first ...." mom or parents.  I sometimes use the terms "original..." or "natural..."

Please understand that, for me, I use these terms here for clarity.  In real life, I use the term parents for all of my parents.

Answer 18

Bio mom and bio dad

Answer 19

I was using 'birth parents' but have recently changed to using 'first parents' I think it more acurately reflects the nature of the relationship my daughter had (has) with her first family regardless of how brief the time they spent together was.  When speaking to my daughter  I often just refer to her 'other daddy' or her 'mummy in China' etc.

Answer 20

First or Natural.  My adoptive mother speaks of my 'real mother' that makes me uncomfortable sometimes because she is my real mom too, but if she's ok with it, that's good - at least she's being honest.  Honesty in adoption is a rare thing, especially when it comes to honest adoption 'language'!

PS.  I've never used the term birth father - they can't give birth, after all, so it seems fairly ridiculous

I guess it's really personal.   I have one American Mom and one British Mum so Mom and Mum and different enough to differentiate the two.  They are both real

I tend my adoptive Dad (deceased) I call Dad and refer to my American Dad as my Father

Each to their own, I guess but nobody is going to dictate to me who my parents are (although they have tried that BS)

Answer 21

When speaking to a specific individual, one should ask her preference.  Some mothers who relinquished a child prefer "birth" mother.  I think that mothers who are activists in adoption reform loath the label.  Mother without qualification for all mothers is most accurate and respectful in my opinion.  In cases where one must distinguish between the two, "adoptive" and "first" is probably the safest way to go.

Just a note - an expectant mother or a mother who is merely considering adoption and has not signed off on her parental rights is a mother - period.  Baby trollers who are looking for a "birth" mother are showing how ignorant they are about adoption and how little regard they have for women experiencing crisis pregnancies.  People who misuse the "birth" mother term should be denied the right to adopt straight off the bat.

Answer 22

As a Social Worker and an Adoptive Mom, I usually use Birth Mom or Dad as opposed to Biological.  It is simpler to say, less therapeutic (for lack of a better description) and little more personal.  It depends upon what you are trying convey and to whom.  

The brief answer is, Yes, "Birth" is absolutely appropriate.

And you are quite correct in saying that it is a complex situation.

Answer 23

i call them birthparents even when i'm around them or have to introduce them.  Neither seems offended by it -- they know they're not my real parents and i won't call them that; nor will i call them mom and dad.  I call them by their names.

Answer 24

I would usually say biological but birth parents works too.  :)

Answer 25

My little guy really understood the term "tummy mom".  It's prob. not appropriate for older kids but it really made sense to him at 2 and even now at 5.

Answer 26

I've been brought up with the terms "birth mother" & "birth father". Neither of my b-parents have objected to these descriptions (don't think I've directly said them to either though) but I still feel that biological parents seems more appropriate.

"Natural" implies that adoptive parents are unnatural, which is unfair. Same with "real".

I usually avoid the terms and just say parent/mother/father unless I need to explain the difference between them and my other parents (my adoptive parents).

For example, if someone I don't know very well sees a picture of me with them and says "oh you look like your mum." I just say "thanks" and don't bother explaining that she's my bio mum and not the lady I called "Mum". People who know I'm adopted usually know who my b-parents are and who my a-parents are.

Gershom: "The united states is the only leading nation that uses birth terms as legal terms. the others use "natural parent" as the legal term for parents who have surrendered."

I'm from the UK and I find that birth mother/father are the predominant descriptions. I'm not arguing with you, just pointing out what I see and hear. I've never heard anyone in the UK use the term "natural parent". Ironically, I've only heard that on US websites.

Answer 27

At our house, we're "mom & dad", and so are their other parents.  We also call them their real parents, first parents, or use their first names. I guess we should be more consistent, but the kids know what we mean.

We adopted our kids when they were a bit older, so 'birth' parent felt like it was leaving a few important years out.  'Natural' parent is just completely meaningless to my kids.