What is a good punishment for a 13 year old boy chewing tobacco for 4 and a half months and is sneaking out.?

Question

My husband says we should take every privilege away from him and ground him permanently. I disagree. I want him to learn that this is wrong. I just feel that if we take everything away now, then what will we have later? He is only 13 and we are talking about 5 more years. I told my husband we could lock him down, but the truth of the matter is we have to let him go to school, we both work we have to go to bed at some point. my parents say because I let him out until the town curfew of ten on weekends that I give him way too much freedoms. I am at my wits end with this boy, I also have a 17 year old son who just joined the army and graduated from basic just a couple of days ago and a 16 year old son who has a fault of being the laziest kid in america. neither of them rebelled like my youngest is. Help!?

Answer 1

My daughter rebelled outrageously at 13 (the first year she was in middle school). She drank, smoked, skipped school, was ARRESTED for shoplifting $40.00 worth of items (which would've taken 8 weeks of allowance to pay) , made obscene phone calls to a boy in her class and left her real phone number (she wasn't a genius) AND failed algebra. I punished her moderately up to the shoplifting. When the police called, I had them arrest her instead of picking her up at the store where it happened. For that I grounded her for the whole summer.  I went to school and had a meeting with the Vice-Principal and told him what was going on so that she understood she was under complete scrutiny. I also called all the other girl's parents only to find that my daughter was the ringleader, but at least I tried to gain a consensus. My next step was to tell her that I was about to start attending school with her to eliminate any opportunity she might have to ruin her life. I told her that I would make her friends my friends and her life a living h**l, as she was doing to me. Fortunately, I finally got her attention and didn't have to follow through with that. So my advice is crackdown hard until it changes. Do you want him to end up in college or prison? Because I think you may be deciding right now. Also, a 13 year old IS too young to be out until 10 at night.

Answer 2

You've gotta do SOMETHING. You can't sit there and be a mother who just makes excuses for your son not getting punished. Yes, take his things away but slowly give them back when he can act right. It would have been good if he were getting some kind of discipline earlier in life, spankings at least and then it seems that you wouldn't be having this problem. Because he wasn't disciplined correctly while younger, now you are having to deal with this problem child. Mom, grow up and figure something out. Take some of his freedoms away, you parents are right. Instead of being home at 10, make him come home at 9. But because he's been doing what he's been doing it sounds like he needs to stay home for 2 months, no going out during the weekends... NOTHING. Take his things away and give him some good books to read, if he doesn't like reading, he'll learn to like reading with nothing else around to do. You may need to send this one to military school or boot camp.  

Answer 3

Take away everything. Then let him start earning privileges back.  Starting with the most simple. You have to show him you are serious. A 13 year old should have never had a 10pm curfew. Talk about what do you have later!!!!  What 2am at age 16??  Crack down now.  You won't need to worry about "what you have later" because later you really won't have ANY control.  Put an alarm system on your house.  Set it at night with only a code you and your husband know.  If your 16 or 17 year old need to come or go, they need to wake you. A few years of being woken is better than a lifetime of misery for your son.  Which is what it will be.  With the alarm system, put things on the windows so there is no sneaking out.  You will need to work on what to do when he gets home from school until you get home.  Maybe you have a neighbor or a relative he can go to? Or maybe he has a friend that you trust that their parents are home? He created this mess for himself. HE IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY AT THIS TIME. He must regain your trust. It is YOUR responsibility as a parent to rein him in NOW.  Don't be his friend. Be his parent. Attach a GPS system to his cell. But don't let him know. Again....he lost your trust. You have every right to do that.  He has to re earn your trust. Good luck.

Wow what great moves you have made to help your son. I know it seems incredibly difficult. He is young enough to not "just throw in the towel" and "give" up.  He can not get around without your help.  He can't drive neither can his friends.  As long as you made sure he knows  you were doing it out of love and not just because you were mad, he'll be fine.  Make sure you give him tons and tons of positive re-enforcement.  Like when he does a chore without being told, make a big deal out of it. Don't take away that it is his responsiblity, but make him feel good that he pleased you. The more you show him how pleased you are the more he'll want to do the right things to please you again.  While he has "no privileges" take time to restrengthen your relationship.  Play a game, play cards, do a puzzle, go to the park, do something where you can just talk.  The stronger your relationship, again the more he will want to please you by doing the right thing and he will feel completely comfortable coming to you when something is being pressured on him. What a great start!!!!! :-)

Answer 4

I'd seriously scare the c**p out of him. Find pictures of oral cancer, and if you can contact a local hospital and see if they can get a patient who has cancer from smoking or chewing tobacco to speak to your son and freak him out more. That should straighten him out. Scare tactics are sometime the only thing that will work, and in this case I thinkt hat is what you need.  

As for the sneaking out....get an alarm system and/or have the 17 year old have a heart to heart about respecting rules and you and his dad. It might mean more comming from someone more his age. At the very least it will be one more person he'll have to answer to should he disobey you and his dad and sneak out.

Answer 5

well grounding would work.

or a good hit in the butt with the belt.

when my mother's friend's son kept skipping (school)

she actually woke up with him in the morning

(called in sick for work)

and went to school with him!

she sat next to him in every class,

ate lunch with him,

and even walked through the halls.

the boy never skipped school again.

in fact, for every year after that until he graduated

he was givin awards for never missing a day of school.

out of the whole year!!

Answer 6

i personally would ground him, he is still a child living under your roof, he should live by your rules, tell him if he wants to do stuff like that wait until he is the age where he can leave home and do it under his own roof, until then he lives by your rules, take away some privelages, not all otherwise he will rebel, dont shout at him, talk to him, explain what he is doing is wrong and how its effecting you and your husband, you will have to be fair but stern otherwise he is gonna run rings round you and your the 1 that will suffer, good luck! xx

Answer 7

As a family, you & your husband & your son join a smoker's anonymous group and make the commitment to go for weekly meetings.  Like everyone else already stated, it might just scare the c**p out of him.  It also opens up the dialogue & communication in your family.  I'd also find out where he's getting the tobacco from since you need to be 18 to buy it.  Someone is providing it for him, or the store is selling it illegally.  I'd also see if the friend's parents will support the decision to join you in weekly smoker's anonymous classes.  Good luck to you!

Answer 8

There is noting you can do now cause how long he's been chewing tobacco.Also are you parents smokers or chew tobacco?. Did you sit down with your kids and talk to them about the danger's of       and smoking and the dangers of having unproteceted    . Don't do something later you will reget. I was you. I would sign in a program that teaches teenagers about the dangers of smoking,chewing tobacco.

Answer 9

Take him to visit a cancer ward in a hospital and show him pictures of what chewing tobacco can do to the jaw and mouth.

He could be addicted to the stuff if he has been chewing that long. Have your Dr. talk to him.

A 9PM curfew is late enough for a 13 year old. There is no reason for him to be out at all in the evening on school nights.

It sounds like he is making very bad choices. Keep an eye on his friends. Get him involved in activities that keep him so busy he has no time for anything but school: church, sports, music lessons, boy scouts,  martial arts classes, etc. Get him into a hobby he might enjoy like stamp collecting, astronomy, weather prediction, etc. Make sure he is reading. I would insist on a book every 2 week and the book should from a list from school or the library. Ask for an oral report on the book. Don't allow him to waste a minute.

He is still young enough to turn around, but you are going to have to make a real effort to do it. Taking away every privilege and grounding him for life will just make him more resentful and he will find new ways to break your rules. You and your husband have to be on the same page with this.

Answer 10

I wouldn't take his sports away cuz you want him have something constructive to do with his time.

Answer 11

I would ground him from some things.  But the biggest thing is a talk.  Talk to him about freedoms, that if he wants more of them, he needs to make the right decisions.

If you lock him down, he will rebel even further.  If you give him some extra freedom (ask him what he wants, and compromise) he may not feel such a heavy need to rebel.

But I would ground him for the chewing tobacco, and for sneaking out.  But not permantly and not extremely harsh.  Let him know how disappointed in him you are, then have him clean out the garage, or paint the house.  

Answer 12

a trip to the cancer ward , or a science musuem in your area that has  a section on cancer or tobacco, he is a teen, this is only the begining, but i do not think i would take sports away, that is filled with positive role models, i would allow that

good luck to you

Answer 13

show him wat he could turn out like, that it is a waste of money and very poor for your health.

Answer 14

Show him disgusting pictures of people who had part of their mouth and jaw removed because they got cancer from chewing tobacco for years.  Definitely take away a privilege that is important to him.  Or do not allow him to engage in an activity that he really wants to participate.  

Answer 15

He didn't do this on his own, so you vivit the others that enabled your son to do it.

SHow him a video of mouth cancer and what happens when you chew.

He is hanging out with a bad crowd you need to give him more individual attention and take him away from his so-called friends for a while.

Answer 16

Bring home a few of the preliminary documents for disowning him and handing him over to the state. Leave them in the general areas of the house. If that doesn't snap him out of it then use them.

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Joking aside, i feel your actions are correct, but give him the chance to earn back some rights. 3 months with no transgressions, rejoin school sports. 4 months, use of the computer (in a monitored environment for a limited time each week) etc. It'll give him a goal, and give you something to take back if he breaks the rules again.

Answer 17

Your husband is right. You are showing him this is wrong if he needs the help go to a counselor. You are keeping your kid safe if you want him to stay out of trouble and stop him from the the things that he has been doing,then lock him up with food,if you don't he'll never learn. You are wrong to think that you aren't helping your kid,otherwise when he sees that you don't do much damage to him he'll keep doing it. If he sees that the punishment is isn't severe you've just basically guaranteed that he is going to continue this behavior.

Answer 18

It is difficult for anyone with limited knowledge of your situation to give advice. You really should have your family...not just your son...get some counseling. He may be acting out as a result of something that happened to him that he isn't capable of talking about or he may just be acting out because he feels different and doesn't know how to express himself. In any case, counseling can possibly help him learn to cope more appropriately and help you and your husband learn effective ways to discipline him. In the meantime, you do need to be firm and consistent so your son knows that behavior isn't acceptable. You don't have to be harsh about it and can let him know you are acting out of love and concern for his well being. It is a very difficult situation and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 19

Have any long difficult projects you need done?  Never want to mow the grass again?  Have any friends that need some free labor?  Volunteer work is great too.

If he wants to act like a big boy, then make him work like one.

Grounding your kid is also grounding yourself and it simply doesn't work for some kids.