What is a "good" adoptee?

Question

While reading the "positive" aspects of adoption question, I started to think- what makes a "good" adoption story?

Everyone speaks of the adoptees who grow up and never want to search for their birth parents. Is that what makes an adoption succesful?

If I grow up and go to college, get married, raise a family, am an honest, kind, wonderful person, BUT I want to know my first family- am I now a bad adoptee?

What makes an adoption a good one? And what makes an adoptee a good adoptee?

Answer 1

who's to judge!!! i can't even imagine anyone placing any normative constraints on the adoptee, seeing as how their life was subject to other people's desires.

Answer 2

I believe that there are two questions here.  One, what makes a "good" adoption story?  I would have to say (in my opinion) a good adoption story is one in which a child grows up to feel as though he has a good life and does not feel resentment or anger.  Every story will be different and so the answer to what makes a "good adoption story" will differ for each child involved.

As for what makes a "good adoptee" (what I see as the 2nd question)....I know "what" you are trying to ask, but I struggle with an answer for you.  I don't think anyone should be labeled as "good" or "bad" whether an adoptee or not.  You are not a "bad" adoptee because you feel certain ways that others may not understand.  A piece of advice that I have learned to live by is "Something you truly believe in, cannot be wrong and you should not allow others to tell you it is".  So if you feel that you want to find your first family, then that doesn't make you "bad", it makes you human!  

Good luck to you.  I hope you find the answers that you need.

Answer 3

I think every adoption story is unique so they are all "good" adoption stories. Each adoptee has their own needs...some want to know their birthfamily, others don't. it doesn't make the adoption good or bad. I think some people are just more curious than others. Be true to yourself. Our son is adopted and we have no problem with him meeting his birthfamily when he's older. We know he'll always love us!

As far as someone being well adjusted when they grow up...well I know alot of people who weren't adopted that aren't well adjusted. I don't think that has anything to do with adoption...that has to do w/ good parenting.

So many families nowadays are non-traditional. We have step siblings...grandparents raising grandkids...the list goes on and on. Does that make those "bad"? I don't think so...so don't think of adoption as successful or not. If a parent does their job raising their kids, no matter how they were born, that's success!

I hope your family supports your desire to find your birth family.

(I just read Sunny's response and personally I think that author has outdated thinking for adotees. I don't want to get into every point but alot of bio-kids have those same issues. And I don't want my son feeling lucky to be w/ us...we're the lucky ones...his birthmother gave us the honor of raising her son!)

Answer 4

I think this seems like a strange question.  You are your parent's or parents' daughter or son. You are a person who makes good choices sometimes and bad choices sometimes.  

My daughter isn't an "adoptee".  she is my daughter. The fact that she happens to be adopted doesn't make her good or bad.  She's just my kid.  No matter what she does or how she lives her life, she will always be my beloved daughter.

Answer 5

I do not think they are saying that if you want to know your birthparents, you are "bad."  What they mean is that, it is a good adoption story, when the adoptive family is such a wonderful family and environment, that the adoptee does not feel like they are "missing" something in their life!

Answer 6

This is a great question, Emma, and I'm not sure how it should be answered.  What does it mean for an adoption to be successful?  Wow...

I'm trying to think of a way to approach this, and one way might be to compare it (imperfectly, of course) to a second marriage to a partner who is a widow or widower.  If your spouse has lost a partner to death, is it a successful marriage only if your spouse never thinks about their previous spouse?  Can any amount of love replace another person?

I don't think so.  I think a successful adoption should be one where the adoptee's needs are taken care of, where they are not made to feel as though something is wrong with them - or that they ungrateful - if they wonder about their first family.  I think of it as one where the loss of their first family can be acknowledged and respected.  Where they are supported, whether or not they are curious or search for their first family.  

But that may not be what others think of when they think of a "good" adoption.

Answer 7

A good adoptee is a human being who makes their families proud.  By families I mean their first family and their adoptive family.  

Just because you want to find your first mother doesn't make you a bad person or your adoptive parents bad parents.  It makes you human.  

When my son is old enough and wants to find his first mother, I will be honored to help him search.

What is a good adoption?  I guess it's one where everyone in the triad is comfortable with who they are and how they fit into this crazy thing called adoption.

Answer 8

Betty Jean Lifton is the adoptee/author who coined the terms 'good adoptee' and 'bad adoptee' in her book, Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience. Chapter 9 covers this in great detail.

"Good Adoptee" is:

-grateful and feels 'lucky'

-buys into 'chosen baby' story

-feels 'special'

-does not think or ask questions about natural parents.

-no trouble with anger, in fact, have trouble expressing anger at all.

-Feel they're 'better off'

-Feels they have no right to be sad or depressed

-No 'desire' to search, aparents are only 'real' parents

-Express only positive feelings

-Sees aparents as 'saints' and/or 'saviors'

-Doesn't rock the boat by asking questions that might hurt aparents.

"Bad Adoptee"

-Had health problems

-Had trouble attaching to amother, or colic

-Not visibly grateful

-Frustrated by their adoption

-Outbursts of anger, rage.

-Not good at repressing adoption angst

-Might steal, act out, set fires, take drugs, drink, smash up cars, run away, or acts out sexually.

-Gets bad grades in school

-Destructive to their property or others

-Want information and or papers pertaining to their adoption.

-Search for their natural families.

Lifton says all adoptees float between these two roles in their lifetime.

ETA: Too Sweet to Cheat:  Lifton's ideas are outdated?  Do you think that because your son's adoption is 100% wonderful?  Yes, non-aopted people have problems, too.  But they are 98% of the population, only 2% are adopted.  Is your adoption open?  If not it's NO different.  Adopted people have more problems than non-adopted people.  Do you (and your son) a favor, and study up a bit on the effects of adoption on children.  Here's a good place to start: http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Answer 9

To be honest I dont think there is a right or wrong answer to your question. Who is to say Who is good and who isnt? I mean there sre some people out there that think all are bad but then there are that say they are the best. Who is to say

Answer 10

A good adoption is one in which the child and adoptive family graft well to one another.  All families have problems, but in an "good adoption" these problems are no larger or frequent than the typical familial issues.  An adopted child may or may not wish to know more (or even meet) the biological family, that really doesn't play into it.  All kids will be unhappy with their current families from time to time.  The important thing is just that the family, as a unity, works.  It is also best if the biological parents are content with the situation.  However, that is not always possible, and as long as things were done legally, I do not think it has to be a necessary qualification for a good adoption.  

However, I think there isn't really such a thing as a "good adoptee" or a "bad adoptee".  That's actually kinda stupid since the kid has little say in whether or not they are adopted so they can't really be judged on doing it well or badly.  There are such things as good kids, and such things as bad kids (not many, but they DO exist - just like bad PEOPLE exist); and so I'm sure there are some adopted children who are good and some who are bad, but not because they are "adotpees".

Answer 11

Wanting to know about your birth family and history does not make you a bad adoptee.  It's perfectly natural and normal to have questions and want to find answers about your birth family and history.

It's also perfectly natural and normal for an adoptee's parents to feel threatened when they find out that their child wants to know about and/or find their birth family.  They may be afraid that their child is going to reject them and replace them with her birth family.  When I first wanted to find my birthmother, I was very angry with my real mom and did in fact have a fantasy (which I could't even admit to myself at the time) of finding my birth mother, being happier with her, and leaving my real family to be with my birth family.

Parents may be afraid that their child will be hurt by something she finds out about her birth history.  This is a very real concern in some cases.  From my own personal experience, had I learned the things I now know about my birth mother when I first wanted to search for her at age sixteen, I would have been devastated by what I would have found out.

I think what makes a good adoptee is being open and honest about your feelings, but also being willing to listen and compassionate about the feelings of the rest of their family.  What makes a good adoption is open communication -- and lots of it.  Honesty, compassion, and willingness to listen openly are good qualities for both adoptees and their parents.

Answer 12

I don't think there is a good or bad adoptee. It's just a name calling that people throw around here. We are labled as anti-adoptionist/bad adoptee by someone in particular because we want to search for our birth families or that some have said that my adoptive parents abused me. That is why that name in being thrown around. It's because some people refuse to see that there are two sides to every story.

Answer 13

A good adoption, in my humble AP opinion, is one in which the adoptee turns out as well adjusted, happy, and successful as he or she can be.  I feel the same way about my bio kids. I do my best to attain this for all my children. I do NOT think that searching means an adoption is unsuccessful or an adoptee is "bad".  As you may have read in my previous posts, searches are a) generally done by women (80%)

b) generally precipitated by a major life event such as the birth of a child or death of a parent

c) often motivated by curiosity about medical or general history and the reason why the birth mother made an adoption plan for the child -usually NOT anger toward the adoptive parents

Hi Emma, I'm the one who said well adjusted. By that, I guess I mean psychologically able to cope with the difficulties of life. Not shooting up malls or abusing one's spouse. I think everyone has their own journey and my job as a parent is to help my child to find their way. If any of my children came to me and said they were g*y, I would do my best to help them, for example.  If you think by well adjusted I meant "happy happy adoptee", you were mistaken.

Answer 14

To me this is the same question as asking "what makes a good kid?"  I am the one that posted the "positive aspect" question.  I got some great answers to my question....although there was one that I'm still thinking about how to respond to.  

My son is adopted.  Did he have a choice?  Nope.  Can he change his mind?  Nope.  Can he have knowledge of his first family?  YES!  I have everything saved that was given to me and I plan on giving it to him as soon as he questions me.  Already I share pictures with him of his home area and his foster family and things from his past.....so that we can go over the memories together.  He's only 4 and we talk about his home in Guatemala almost daily...as long as it is comfortable for him (sometimes he doesn't want to talk about it...sometimes he does.)

At any rate.  Whether or not he wants to know his biological family doesn't (to me) make him a "good" or "bad" adoptee.  My son is a great kid....with a temper : )  At this moment he is pretending to shoot me with a stick.  Does that make him "bad"?  Hardly!  It makes him pretty darn cute, though!  Now if he was still trying to shoot me in about 10 years....well, then we've got PROBLEMS!!!  

But as for whether or not he wants information about his history and his biological family....I'd like to know too.  I hope he does want to know.

Answer 15

Great question!

There is no such thing as a "successful adoption", that is an oxymoron.

A "good" adoption story is one where the parents find their child and/or reconnect with their child ASAP. The parents do everything they possibly can to make up for the lost years. The parents validate the adoptee's pain, and make sure the adoptee knows that they will NEVER abandon the adoptee again.

A "good adoptee" is one who speaks his/her truth, and that truth is based in reality, not some PC adoption industry propaganda tripe. The "good adoptee" does everything in his/her power to stop the violence against real families. The "good adoptee" realizes that NCFA, the adoption industry, pro-liars, and the cult of child-worshiping are all his/her enemies.

The "bad adoptee" sputters adoption industry c**p, and has the intestinal fortitude of a gnat. The "bad adoptee" vomits up well-worn retorts such as "I was chosen" or "My real mother is the one who wiped my buttcheeks."

Edit: PS- most "well-adjusted" people rarely have anything interesting to say.

Answer 16

Great question, I'm going to speak from my opinion, we're trying to adopt. I am not adopted so please don't think I'm trying to say anything of the sort... In my opinion, you're not a "bad" adoptee to want to know your birthparents. I believe that every child should have that right. If you're curious to know the parents who brought you into this world, go out there and find them, it does not make you a bad person. I think that some adoptive parents feel that they raised the child and the child is being "ungrateful" by asking to find their birth parents, but I can only imagine how I would feel in the situation, and I think I would be curious as to who my parents really were... I don't know though, never been through it.

Good luck in your quest to find your parents should you decide to do so. I wish you all the luck in the world.