What is a reasonable amount of time to ask my siblings to contribute to the care of our mother?

Question

I am one of five siblings. Our mother is in her 80s, in poor health and lives with my family. She's quite bad tempered and caring for her has totally consumed our lives. Lately we are at our wits end- desperately needing some time off!

All my brothers and sisters live within 15 minutes of my house. In an average week- maybe one sibling will visit, and in an average month one or two will have her over for a dinner.

We are all adults, with our own busy lives. But I need time off before I lose my mind! I am going to talk to my siblings about having a roster where they have turns taking her for dinner or an afternoon.

How much time is fair?

Answer 1

Take it from someone with experience. The roster will only cause more problems. Sit down with your siblings for a heart to heart talk on help that you not only want but need.

Answer 2

It may not be fair to ask for what they are unwilling to give. It would be wise to sit down with all the family members and discuss your options. No law says you must give more than you can or want to. It may be necessary to put her in the care of a paid caregiver, if the money can be found, or place her in a home. It is not fair to you to stress over this .

Answer 3

My heart goes out to you.  These situations are quite difficult to handle. Your siblings are well aware of the sacrifice you and your family are making, but since things are being taken care of by your family they don't feel a need to step up to the plate.  Caring for elderly parents often leads to family rifts that endure a lifetime.  

I suggest you approach your siblings to do more than have your mother over for dinner or the afternoon.  A monthly schedule of respite, with each sibling taking your mother for the weekend would be reasonable and give your family some rest.  One weekend out of the month each, beginning on a Friday evening and lasting until Sunday evening would not only give your family a rest, but would also open the eyes of your siblings to what you are enduring daily.

Another suggestion is to contact your community department on aging and obtain services such as respite care.

God bless you for what you're doing.  I hope your siblings will answer the call to help more.

Answer 4

I would think with you caring for her 24/7 that they could provide day care four days of the week.  This is their mother too and even though you owe her for your life so do they and its unfair for them to leave this burden on you alone.  If they are unwilling to do the care for one day them maybe they should pay for your mother to be cared for in a facility that provides day care for the elderly.  Only you know your families and their situations.  But you need help and maybe an alternative is an actual live in facility.  This is a difficult decision to make but your family needs you too.

Answer 5

There is a saying, "One parent can care for 10 children, but 10 children cannot care for 1 parent."

Basically, here you are, carrying the weight and responsibility for your mothers health and welfare , almost all on your own.

This is so tragic, but common. Often one child will take the immediate initiative to care for an elderly parent, and before you know it, even though you have several capable siblings, they have left you standing on your own.

I think it is extremely SMART of you to address this. The situation left as it is, will turn you into a very angry and resentful person. Angry because you have the lions share of the responsibility and resentful because noone else is interested in helping.

So good for you in realizing that you NEED a break, and the first place to go is to your siblings. Its often called respite care. A break for the caregiver is so extremly important. The emotional and physical toll it is taking on you will break you, and leave you unable to give her the kind of care she needs if you don't share the responsibility.

So this is where I would start. I would try to get them all together, and because everyone is so busy (besides the fact that they may know where it is leading to if you call a family meeting, and then purposely avoid you) this may end up being impossible, I would write a letter, e-mail, etc... Even if you do end up speaking to them as a group or individually, having what you need to say to them written down beforehand will help you to organize your thoughts and feelings, and your needs.

The amount of time that is "fair" is everyone sharing equal time caring for her. Regardless of everyones "busy" schedule, they will have to make time. You have, and you said it yourself, you are "desperate" for a break.

In your communication with them, I would explain that although you understand that everyone is busy living their lives, the fact of the matter is that you too have a life. You can no longer bear the burden alone, and shouldn't have to. Is your mother difficult to care for? Yes! Even more of a reason that you need help.

Do not "ask" what they are willing to do. Instead, TELL them what you NEED from them. When you prepare your roster, fill in when you CAN care for her, and leave the areas blank where you will need someone to step in.

I would also make a point of explaining to them, that this is not an option. You NEED to take care of yourself, family, other obligations as well, and if things continue as they are, then your only option is to have them contribute financially for a caregiver to come stand in for them. Basically, they can share their time, or their money. Having a caregiver come in is expensive, and there is usually a min amount of hours per visit, and visits per week.

Hopefully, it won't have to go that far. But know that it might and be preparred that when you push, they may push back. You have to stand your ground, as I said, if you continue to carry the bulk of the responsibility, in the end, you will not be able to adequately care for her. Make sure that you tell them this, as if you lose it, now they don't have your help at all. So they can either step up and HELP you, or they can ignore the situation, which result in you not being able to help at all.

Good luck. I know this is a difficult situation. But your needs are just as important as your mothers and those of your siblings. Have a plan and be firm with your siblings.

Answer 6

I am one of seven siblings and take care of my mother. Although she lives in a downstairs unit, due to a stroke requires help with bathing, dressing, cooking meals etc etc. She also has a wound related to a blood disorder that needs dressing every day. I take her to the doctors, shopping, day trips and also on all our family holidays. She has slight dementia but only slight from the stroke. My siblings all live within 2minutes to 20 minutes and do bugger all. I also have a severely disabled teenager who requires full care as well as home schooling her.

My heart goes out to you so strongly it made me cry, as you are unfortunately not alone. As your mother lives with you that is a big issue. My mother is reaching a stage probably within the next year when I will not be able to continue as I cannot have her live with us due to room, and my daughter only sleeps two hours a night.As a Nurse who has worked in Nursing Homes and Hostels I have seen the guilt that children go through when they have to put their parents into one of these places. When my mother reaches a stage, or should I say when I have no strength except for my children I will have to do this. My mother possibly will be able to go into a hostel as she can mobilise.

Regarding your siblings they will not change, as they know you will not stop.  For your information it is the carer who usually ends up in a physically and emotionaly poor state as well as the small children in the family. The time has come to place your mother in a home that suits her needs. There is respite available for people in your situation but from professional experience the parent will often sabatage or make you feel worse on their return. Let your siblings know either by phone or letter about you situation and inability to care for her. They will most likely get up in arms, but I am sure none will take on the responsibility. If they do it will be short lived.

It is sad for your mother because due to ill health and age she has become angry and as is normal takes it out on the carer.

You need to take action now and do not back down, your health, life and sanity depends on it.

As a person who is a carer and who works in the industry I can truthfully tell you this is the best thing for everyone.