What is appropriate or innapropriate for a renewal ceremony?

Question

Me and my husband will be married 20 yrs and my friends think that we should plan the wedding we never had. We got married in a small family only ceremony. We were never able to plan a big wedding or reception. Should we treat it as getting married for the first time or are there specific protocols for it being a renewal? HELP please. Are there specific things are taboo? etc.

Answer 1

Go with what you want to do. I don't think anything you would do at a normal ceremony and reception is out of place at a renewal.  Have a big party, have fun and enjoy it just as you would your first wedding.  

Answer 2

Appropriate

- renewing vows in church or at a park/beach.

- You wearing a nice dress or pants suit, your husband wearing a nice suit

- Having a party after wards with cake, food etc.

Inappropriate:

- wearing a big bridal gown

- Having all the wedding trimmings e.g. huge tiered white wedding cake, garter toss, etc.

- Registering for gifts - most guests will bring gifts anyway but it's kind of rude registering for gifts for a vow renewal.

Answer 3

On our 20th, we sent out invites to close family and friends, stated VERY CLEARLY that this was an anniversary party with a "renewal of vows" ceremony beforehand and had addresses of the church and house listed. Everyone attended the church ceremony! I wore an ivory dress with baby's breath in my hair and hubby wore a tux. We had same attendants (one each ONLY in street clothes) as for the wedding 20 years ago. (military, small affair) And we specified NO GIFTS. We had 36 guests and it was so great! After 20 years, a hoopla with 100 or more guests,  bouquets and long gowns , bridesmaids, etc. would be tacky.

Answer 4

Hi and congratulations on 20 years!

I'm sorry, but NikkiM is wrong.  There most definitely ARE rules about vow renewals.  Although, you must realize that most on this forum are brides, so they will probably tell you "do what you want!"

The thing for you to remember is that you DID have a wedding.  No matter how small it was.....it was a wedding.   Just like other things in life....what is done is done.  You can't bring it back.

It is appropriate to have a renewal of vows ceremony (maybe include your children if you have them), and have a 20th anniversary party celebration, but PLEASE don't go so far as to make it into a "wedding that wasn't."  I certainly understand the temptation for this....but it's best to follow etiquette on this.

If you want to do something at your church (if you have one)....that is fine.  OR...outdoors....again fine.  I would wear a very nice dress and have your hubby dress up too (a nice suit)!  BUT, I would avoid all of the "wedding" things, like having someone walk you down the aisle; a white wedding dress; a big bouquet of flowers, etc.

Just do what is appropriate for the occasion.  You can look up many things on the net.

Have a party afterward.  Have a cake too!  All perfectly fine, but make sure to follow things for "vow renewal ceremony" not "wedding."

Good luck and congrats on 20 years of marriage!

Answer 5

Since you are already very married, you are not a bride and he is not a groom. Remembering that will set the tone for every other element.

You CAN have a ceremony in a church with an officiant. There are many scripts for vow renewals online. Of course you can have it at some other venue also.

You CAN wear a white dress, but it should be tasteful in keeping with your status as a 40+ year old woman and wife. You can wear most any dress you want as long as it's not a foufy "bride-y" dress. He can wear formalwear and you can have a grand entrance and processional, but if you do that, you walk in with your husband. No one is giving you away and a veil and train would be totally out of line.

If you have children, it would be lovely to have them stand up with  you.  You could each have another family member or close friends, but don't make it excessive and a line of girls in matchy matchy dresses would be totally inappropriate. Even if you have several daughters, they should wear simple dressy dresses, not bridesmaidy ones, because they are not bridesmaids and you are not a bride.

You can have most any cake you can imagine and afford, but not one with a bride and groom figurine and if it was a non-traditional, less "weddingy" cake, that would be better.

You can have as big of a party as you want, but it's not a wedding reception. No garter toss or bouquet toss or money dance obviously, no "first dance" together if you have a dance. You could have a toast, but it should be to, "Mark and Holly." Nothing about "bride and groom."

You can go on a trip together afterward and in that case you could even tell the location that you will be on a second honeymoon (even if you didn't have a first) to get a discount on a honeymoon suite, etc.

You can have most any pre-ceremony celebration you want: brunch, luncheon, dinner party, beer and pizza, whatever. But it's not bridal or bachelor/ette and absolutely no showers or other indications of gifts. Most people at your station in life request no gifts.

So, you can have a beautiful celebration that is very tasteful and that your guests will love and remember, and you and your family will, too.

Answer 6

1) Appropriate is to renew your vows in front of friends and relatives. Wear a ivory suit and he should wear a tux. Maybe have your children with you. Then a potluck dinner or if you have the ability have a nice reception with a wedding cake, punch, and a buffet meal at a hotel. Absolutely no gifts (be specific on the invitation) and mean it.

2) Inappropriate is wearing your wedding dress or if you can't fit into it, buying a white traditional wedding dress and wearing it like you are a first time bride. Sending out a ton of invitations, registering at stores for gifts, letting people know that checks are preferred. Anything along those lines is really tacky. Don't embarass yourselves and your relatives and friends when they don't want to attend and certainly don't want to send a gift.