What is going on with my mother??

Question

I only have a few more weeks to live with my family. I love them dearly but I really clash with my mother... I'm 19 and heading into my third year of college (moving away at the end of summer) now so I'm eager to be finished school in a couple years and be completely self sufficient.

Anyway, I have no idea how to deal with my mother. I've tried reading books on dealing with Toxic Parents etc- but nothing seems to work. I've learned to not "provoke" angry issues but she seems to pick at me anyway and even on old topics we've already resolved(at least I thought we had).

She tells me I'm selfish and the only way I think I could be selfish is because I don't give into her c**p, and I'm honest because she always tells me to be honest. She doesn't like my honesty though such as: how I do my hair, or my sexuality... or even how I feel like dressing for the day!

I have taken her aside and told her that: I'm an adult now mom, I make my own decisions and you need to learn to respect that. She can't get over it and seems to continue to TRY living my life for me.

I just wish that I could have a REAL conversation about my opinions and not have her bark at me, make me feel shame or guilt or even stupid for once... I wish I had a real connection to her.

If anyone has any helpful ideas they are GREATLY APPRECIATED! Thanks so much...

Answer 1

ask her calmly to please be quiet and not interrupt and listen to what you have to say.

otherwise maybe you could take her to family therapy?

if none of this works, it might be painful but maybe you should stop talk ing to her.

and im sorry about your situation =(

Answer 2

It's horrid not having a close relationship w/ a parent. I can't talk to my mother about anything!! And I'm in my 30's!!! All you can do is be patient and concentrate on your studies. When she picks at you, the best thing to do is let all slide off your back, and remind yourself that you're almost out of there for good. Maybe later, w/ time your mom will come to accept that you're an adult living your own life. But maybe she won't. Nobody knows. It sounds like you've already told her what you've need to say, but what has that done? Not much,unfortunately. Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 3

i don't know what's going on with your mother - all i can compare it to was my experience with my own mom. my mom didn't like her mother and i didn't find out until after my mom died a couple of years ago that she thought that i was just like her mother... so she basically took out her 'mommy issues' on me.

it sucks to grow up with a mom like yours. i understand completely. it sounds like you're handling it as productively as you can. i'm sure that you moving out is kind of tugging at her emotionally, and she probably just doesn't know an appropriate way to show it, so she lashes out.

take the high road and be the stronger woman. try to be tolerant, and keep your outbursts (if  you have them) to a minimum. like i said, my mom died a couple of years ago... i didn't handle my relationship with her the same way you did, and i wish i'd taken your road.

good luck. :o)

Answer 4

Hi....

It's really difficult when we feel as if our parents do not accept us.  I really do believe the truth about your mother is that she has a low sense of self-worth, and is taking it out on you.... she feels like c**p about herself, and apparently wants you to feel that way, too.

I think your best bet is to accept your mother for the way she is.  If you can accept her for the negative, put-down artist she is, and realize she is miserable, maybe you won't have such difficulty with this.

You might also set boundaries and limits with her... if she starts her negative talk, let her know you are uncomfortable, the conversation is over, then go do something else (running the vacuum sweeper to drown her out might work, or even going outside or to your room with a book or magazine  if you can).  Cutting your mother off consistently, might make her stop and think.  It could take a while, or forever to stop the behavior, but if you are consistent, she may eventually realize you're not playing into her drama.

We both know your mother needs some sort of help, but she won't get any until she thinks she needs help...

Answer 5

Maybe you should see a family counselor. If your mother is not up to going, then, just tell her how you feel that you just want to get along and have a real mother and daughter relationship. Hope it all works out for you!

Answer 6

Your moms just sad that your leaving, cause wouldnt you be? Your childs that r raised for 19 years, from diapers to tampons to s*x, she was their with you through it all ( and when i mean s*x, i mean the talk) Just tell your mom how you feel.

Answer 7

You cannot change your mother.  She is who she is.  If it gets unbearable.......then the only thing to do is spend less time with her.  Being put down or not listenend to or making someone feel shame and guilt rather than discussing  the matter like two grown adults makes me think that she might be a bit verbally abusive.   If she is paying for college this might get tricky, but you are working hard to better yourself and you do not need this kind of stress.

Seek comfort in friends.   Friends can be family too.  And you have Yahoo Answers------a lot of good people here.

If you have to stay in the home with your parents for a while--work like two jobs, save your money.   It is very easy to have reasons to stay away from the home.  You really just need a nice place to sleep.  It will get better soon when you are on your own and your own boss.

Answer 8

My helpful advice is to realize you're never going to change her.  It's extremely rare for controlling people to change - especially parents.  Just try to ignore her nonsense and detach from the negativity.

Answer 9

Are you the first child to leave the nest?  This may be the problem. Its really hard to lose the first child. Them growing up and leaving the home. Parents don't want the kids to grow up maybe its because we don't want to feel like we are getting old. Shes trying to lay a quilt trip on you, she probably just doesn't want you to leave and she doesn't know how to deal with it. Parents always think they should have the last say and its hard to cut the apron strings and let the kids spread their wings and fly. Be patient and when you get out and show her that you can stand on your own two feet and be responsible, she'll come around. Good Luck

Answer 10

if u can't talk to her write he a letter telling her how u feel and that u want to talk to her like u said " just wish that I could have a REAL conversation about my opinions and not have her bark at me, make me feel shame or guilt or even stupid for once... I wish I had a real connection to her." tell her that in ur letter and to just listen to u but rember she's just upset that her babby is leaving her she rally does love u

believe in  yourself and it will work

Answer 11

That is a tough one.  My only suggestion would be to tell her that she did a great job raising you; and that you've made good decisions so far.  Hey, I give you kudos for college and knowing what you want to do with your life.

Also, tell her you love her and are excited for the new changes coming into your life and you couldn't have done it without her.

Sometimes stating the obvious and getting to the bottom of the issue can work.  Good luck.

Answer 12

Hate to be the one to break it to you, but you aren't an adult and frankly, your mom and your relationship sounds so normal its almost trite.

Here's the deal. You think you know everything, and she knows you don't. What your mom doesn't realize is that she needs to back off and let the chips fall where they may. In about 6 years, you'll get her. But until then, just live your life and try to get a grip on the fact that while your mother gave birth to you, and raised you to be a pretty smart cookie, she isn't obligated to be your friend. While you may think she's toxic, more than likely she's just not able to parent a 19yr old. There aren't any manuals hon, where did you think she was going to learn?