What is it like to marry someone who already has kids?

Question

I have been seeing this woman for about 2 years. She is divorced with two children and I have never been married. She is 29 and I am 33. I have never wanted to have children because I dislike young children and everything that goes with them. Most women my age want children so one reason I really like my girlfriend is she says she does not want any more kids. She also says does not really expect me to be a "dad" to her kids if we get married (they are 6 and 4 by the way), which I think is great. However, I am wondering if her attitude will change once we get married. Will she then start to see me as a father? How will the kids react? I would really be interested in getting some prospective from people who have married spouses with children from a previous relationship. Thanks.

Answer 1

Here's the thing.. I don't see your marriage as working out very well.  You don't have to be their father, but they will be living with you and you will be their STEP father, which is still a father and a parent to the children.

I'm a step mother to an 8 year old boy who lives with me full time, and I'm like a 2nd mom to him.  I help him with homework, I do all his school paperwork, I take him to the doctors, I hug him when he's upset, I laugh with him when he's happy -- he's basically my kid who I didn't carry for 9 months!

I disagree with the person who said you need to put the kids first.  The children SHOULD NOT be put first.  When you marry, your spouse should be put first, always. That's not to say your children's needs should be neglected, but you need to think of your marriage as the most important relationship in your life, because it is.  Kids come 2nd, and children need to be raised in an environment where the parents put their marriage first so they can grow to love and respect a marriage, marital vows and the family dynamic.

Anyway, you definitely need to learn to get along with and even love her children if you expect her marriage to work.  Your family cannot be divided as you and her a family, her and her kids a family, but the 4 of you together are nothing.  It will never work that way and your wife will be torn into so many directions her head will spin.  They will be your kids too when you marry one another -- you should try to get used to that!  If you can't be a family -- all 4 of you together -- please don't marry her.  It's not fair to anyone.

Good luck! :)

Answer 2

This marriage will NOT WORK. The both of you are not putting the kids first. Do them a favor and walk away.  

Answer 3

The children will start to see you as a "dad"  and become very attached to you and want you to be their "dad".  If you don't think you can love these children like they are your own and be a father to them then please don't marry her and go find a woman with no children or grown children.  It would be so unfair to the little ones if you marry this woman and dont want to be a dad to them.

Answer 4

It will suck, you will never be a full parent and your wife may or may not back you up when you tell the kids what to do. The ex will be up your butt too.

You say you don't want kids? Then why raise someone elses? At least if you had your own you would get some satisfaction out of raising them.

Just wait until they are mouthy teens.

RUN!

Answer 5

I would sit down with her and the kids and b real open and honest about what may happen and what your role will b.  I would state very clearly what the expectations are. If u or she think u won't b a dad 2 the kids u r wrong.

Answer 6

Well, most single mothers would like a father figure for their children. And I do believe her attitude will change because it can be very confusing and unhealthy for her children to have a man in the house who kisses their mother, sleeps with their mother yet won`t get involved with them at all. For her saying that she won`t demand anything from you in a fatherly way with her children is very confusing and hard for me to believe. It pretty much doesn`t make sense for her to have the pleasure to have you yet not her children.

If you don`t like kids but she does, and you want to get married someday you will have to include those kids in your life. You can`t just not get involved yet live with them. I don`t critizice you for not liking kids and not wanting them, but it is not good for the kids to have a man in the house who will not love them as a father they deserve.

You should definitely have a talk with your gf and clear this out. Because you don`t like kids you might not be aware of the damage this could cause those kids to grow up with a man like you, who won`t love them well.

  

Answer 7

Thats a pretty tough situation. I was single and married a man with two kids from a previous marriage. Needless to say, I am divorced. Thing is, it can go two ways. One, she will leave you alone and not expect you to be a father to her kids. Thing is, there will be a time that she would want you to step in. Regardless on what she says now, it will change. Her kids are young, and they will look at you as a father figure. Either with playing ball or helping out with after school activites. Honestly, if you want to have a future with her, you need to love her kids too.  

Answer 8

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!  There is no way you can live in the same house with a woman with kids this young 24/7, 365 days a year and not love, nuture and interact positively with the kids when you make statments like "I dislike young children and eerything that goes with them".  What are you going to do, make them invisible?  It would be one thing if her kids were teenagers or somethign, but you specifically said you dislike YOUNG kids.  If you go into a marriage with this woman here are some things to expect:

1.  You will get sick of sharing her with kids you could care less about.

2.  You will not want the hassle of never having private time with her seeing as you only care about her.

3.  You will get sick of making sacrifices for the kids when they have school activities, get sick or need discipline.

4.  The kids will feel like you are the enemy in THEIR home because your lack of concern for them will show.

5.  The woman will always feel torn between making choices between you and her kids.

6.  Eventually you will have to start acting like the father-figure you detest wanting to be.

7.  Finally----you'll be divorced in less than 2 years.

Why did you even hook u with this girl. You should have stuck with dating women who either can't have children or don't want kids.  The population in that category for your age group is very, very small so that's the sacrifice you make when you don't want kids.

By the way there is nothing wrong with you not wanting kids.  But it is wrong to be wiht somebody who does either want them or have them knowing your feelings toward it.

Answer 9

I'm in that situation for the second time in my life...I am 36 and my wife is 33 she has 3children...It is tough...And I will just flat out honestly say this ...I absolutely love my wife but if we divorce...I would never ever want to choose to be put in this type of position in my life again...And  of coarse this was my choice to marry her.... But she seems to always take their word over mine as if she has to protect them from me...I don't truly understand why...and we have been married for almost 2yrs now ,, But my advice to you is to not marry this woman...  

Answer 10

I don't think this would work out  if you get married.  if you love her, you will have to love her kids, too.  You would get jealous when she gives her kids attention because you will want it all.  If you don't give her children any attention, you will be more like a man living with mom than mom's husband.  The kids are part of the deal no matter how you look at it.  Maybe you could spend a little time with each child and try to build a relationship with him/her.  Take it slow, and maybe you will change your mind.  But remember, you have to make  some effort to make this relationship work with your girlfriend and her children.  Don't be afraid to learn and experience new things and circumstances.  It's part of growing and maturing.  don't stay single-minded.  

Answer 11

EXTREMELY difficult, very stressful, and causes severe tension between you and your spouse.

I VOWED years ago, not to even date a guy who already had kids, and I never did.  I have seen far too many other people attempt being step parents, and NONE of their marriages made it longer than 5 years.  NO WAY would I even try it.  

Answer 12

Dude, this marriage is doomed. You better learn to like her kids or the marriage won't last.

Answer 13

if you dislike kids then why are you dating a woman with kids?