What is needed to improve my speech? It is a self intro?

Question

Good evening, My name is Hillary Obama. I am a sophomore at this university. My major is Marketing with a concentration in international business. I am also considering Spanish as a minor so that my career options after I completing my degree will be broad. I take the opportunity to receive an higher education seriously, meaning that I give it my all by attending classes faithfully and taking advantage of extracurricular activities that University of WWE offers. Things I wish to accomplish, or my desires in life are to help disadvantaged countries through showing them how to use their resources that they have to boost their economy. Helping people and finding ways to make their lives more comfortable is not something that just dawned upon me. That characteristic has been imparted in me as a child by my parents. Whom are very charitable. I also dedicate my time to mentor kids back home. I know some people look at me and say with my past how can I expect others to look up to me. Well my response to them a well known verse from the bible, which is let he who be without sin cast the first stone. I use my past as an incentive to help. I once heard Judge Lynn Toler say that she exposes the worst part of herself, for everyone to see, willing to face the possibility that people will think less of her if it helps them to think for themselves.and that is exactly what my objective as a mentor is, I want to show people my mistakes so that they will not fall victim to the same mistakes.

Answer 1

I hope that my suggestions are helpful.  I have taken the liberty of rewording some of your speech and anywhere you see( ) I have in put my own thought or a suggestion on how to make the speech better.  If you would like more input you may contact me.  I don't mind helping.

Good evening,I'm Hillary Obama, a sophomore at this university. My major is Marketing with a concentration in international business. Also, I'm considering Spanish as a minor to broaden my career options after completing my degree.

I take the opportunity to receive a higher education seriously by attending classes faithfully and taking advantage of extracurricular activities that University of WWE offers.

One my greatest desires in life is to help disadvantaged countries through showing them how to use their resources to boost their economy. Helping people  find ways to make their lives more comfortable is not something that just dawned upon me. This characteristic was imparted to me as a child by my parents.(Give an example of how your parents imparted this characteristic to you)

Also, I dedicate my time to mentor kids back home,in (city, or town). (tell how you mentor kids.  Do your class mates know of you past and if they do is it all that important to bring up at this time? If your past is that important for this speech then you may consider explaining more about it.) I know some people look at me and say with my past how can I expect others to look up to me. Well my response to them is a well known Bible verse,  "let he who be without sin cast the first stone." I use my past as an incentive to help others. I once heard Judge Lynn Toler say that she exposes the worst part of herself, for everyone to see, willing to face the possibility that people will think less of her if it helps them to think for themselves. Which is exactly what my objective as a mentor is, to inspire people to not fall victim to the same mistakes I did and to think for themselves.