What is normal when dating a man with young children? When is enough- ENOUGH!?

Question

My live in boyfriend (whom I have been dating for 1 yr) has 2 (7&4) young children. He was never married to their mother but they were high school sweethearts that were together for about 7 years. (they have now been broken up for 3 years) Although the previous woman cheated on him breaking his heart they still have a very civil relationship. They talk almost every other day- "about the kids of course". She talks to his mom about 2x per week, even called his dad to wish him a happy fathers day!!!!! I have been very civil with her as well - we talk occasionally to make plans about the children etc. We all get along great and although its annoying to have her in my life I like that everything between us all goes smoothly.However now that the oldest of the kids is involved in school activities- my boyfriend thinks that it is acceptable for us all to sit together (me her him his family her family etc.) I however think this is a bit to far. I came from a split home and my parents never talked unless it was an emergency- my dad would call to talk to me and that was it. At functions both of my parents were there but they certainly didn't sit together!!! I myself wouldn't mind saying hello to her and then finding our own area- I am not fine having to sit with her (i don't particularly like her) and I think it is confusing to the children- the last function we were at his 4 year old starting singing "mommy and daddy sitting in a tree..." (the first 2 years after they were broken up if ethier one of them had a problem in another relationship they would get back together for a few days before ending it again- the children were aware of all this) My boyfriend says that he is committed to me and I need to grow up his behavior is perfectly normal to him------ is it? How close is too close? I want this man as a part of my life and I know his children will always come first as they should but does that mean my opinion means nothing?

Answer 1

He is doing this for the children.

They need to see that even if mommy and daddy aren't together, they can still talk, be civil. I admire that.

My ex-husband and his new gf (who was his mistress) made it very clear to me that my son will not grow up with that chance in life, to see his parents cheer him on at a hockey game, or anything.

You might have come frm a broken home, and it's a shame your parents were not able to go past the hurt and anger and be there, both of them, for you at the same place same time, next to each other.

Children will, for a long time, be confused as to why mommy and daddy aren't together, they can't fully understand yet. And ots of kids wish their parents would be together, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Your man is committed to the well being of the children... Yes, your opinion mean something, but his children's future, and well-being, means more! They need to grow up knowing they are loved and that their parents both care for them.

Answer 2

You should be able to get what you want out of a relationship.  And if you are not being validated them perhaps, it is time for you to put the cards on the table.  Let him know that you do love him, but this interaction makes you uncomfortable.  If you love him, then distance yourself from all activities where she is involved, yes you have inherited the kids, but it is ok to be selfish sometimes.  I am speaking from experience, I married a man with a son, and the ex never left the family,she was at easter dinner, christmas dinner, birthdays all family celebrations she was there, it never gave me an opportunity to bond with the family, she was THERE ALL TH TIME. All of our fights were about her and his family, I finally got sick of being with the three of us. It is a thin line between love and hate, and I was a woman on the edge.

Do not become me, be selfish and think about what you want, and if you can not get the validation you want, lay the cards out, deal with it realizing where it could lead, or stop wasting your time and move on.

Answer 3

You're inheriting a him and his kids.  You get all that comes with it.  You're opinion counts, but just because what you want isn't being done, doesn't mean you're not being heard!!  You women are so selfish! Expressing an opinion does not mean "here's what i think, and that's how we'll handle it".  YOU have to understand that THEY have children together, are civil and friends with one another and each others families apparently, and YOU will either accept it, or risk losing him.  And while you are at a kids activity, where should the 4 year old sit? with mommy or daddy?  I think that the bio mom's and dad's should definitely sit together at the older kids activity.  You don't like it, find a new man.

EDIT: if you like "civil", then what are you complaining about?  It's exactly like some posters said, his kids come first, and their well being is #1, and showing a united/family front is immensly important that (if you had kids, you'd know that).  You're being selfish...seriously, you are.  Being with him, means his kids being in a family environment for their sake come first, and you being part of it means you have to adapt to this situations, not vice versa.  Sorry lady :-)

Answer 4

You need to buy a virtual king size bed because there are going to be a lot of people sleeping in it with you if you stay with this guy.  

Answer 5

My ex and I have been divorced for 7 years. While there is no chance for a reconciliation, we both want our children to know that we are united in raising them.  It's important for us to know that they have two parents who love them and who are on the same page with respect to them.  We speak regularly on issues about the kids, just to be sure that we are being consistent.  When there are school or sporting events and teacher conferences we are both there and we sit together.  Personally, I think he was a horrible husband and sometimes it takes effort to suck it up and play nice.  That doesn't change the fact that we made babies together and that they deserve to know that we agree where they are concerned.  Actions speak louder than words.  I honestly believe that our children would be more confused or try to take advantage of one or both of us if they didn't witness our united front on raising them.  As it is now, they're living pretty normal lives and rarely try to use one of us against the other.  They're both confident and secure kids and have both said that they appreciate the fact that we can come together for them.  They've mentioned the nastiness between divorced parents that some friends talk about and are thankful that they have the consistency and stability that they do.  Please take a little time to consider that what your boyfriend and his ex are doing really can make a difference in their childrens' lives.  It's really not a great deal of time and effort to put in for their benefit considering that the rewards to them are great.

Answer 6

This is not a matter of whether or not your opinions count, it is totally about the children. Now despite your past, really put yourself in the children's place. When they see all of you sitting together, they see a united front, a whole group of people who are there that they can rely on to be there for them. That is just a marvelous thing for a little person to see. Mum, dad, step-mum, eventually a step-dad, grandparents all getting along and cheering for him/her. Not to mention this sets a great behavioral example for them. Your boyfriend is right on this one, so maintain the status quo if you want the relationship to keep moving smoothly.

Answer 7

the whole point of this is that it is not what is in YOUR best interest but that of the CHILDREN wouldnt you think it would be in their best interest that there parents get along as they do..that are working hard at creating a tension and stress free situation/life  for the kids...thats very rare and i have to tell you something else...that is a good sign for you if you do plan on haing a future with this man and were to seperate and have children wouldnt you want the same kindness from him...at least he is trying to become more then the typical cycle of deadbeat dads who do nothing but fight with their exes...... give him some credit!..........i think you are being selfish and shouldnt be in a relationship with a man with children if your not willing to put their needs first

Answer 8

Okay here's the thing -- I'm a step mother to an 8 year old boy.  I use the word "step" loosely because he lives with me full time and only visits with his other for a few hours each week with the occasional overnight maybe once a month or so.  I have a wonderful relationship with him, and I get along with his mother well.  In the beginning it was rocky because she didn't respect me at all and basically shunned me from her and her son as much as possible (even though he lived with me, lol.)  Now, however, she realized she was being immature and we talk without arguing rather frequently (however ONLY about my step son.)

Though I do get along excellently with her, my husband and I sit in one place, and she sits in another for family functions.  As to what someone said "Where does the 4 year old sit if you're all there for something for the 7 year old?"  Wherever he/she wants to sit!  They can go sit with Mommy, or go sit with Daddy and You.  What's the big deal?

The children need to be taught in this situation that Mommy, Daddy, and You (I don't know your name, sorry!) are nice to one another.  You're civil, you don't fight, scream, or yell -- but you're not friends.  Mommy and Daddy are NOT getting back together.  Daddy is with You, and that's going to be a permanent thing.  (They may respect this more once you're married, FYI.)  It's a fine line here because you're not yet married, however you should be acting like it for all intents and purposes -- the children need to view you as their "step mother" even though you're not yet (not the title necessarily, they just need to respect you as if you are.)  Once you marry, you will be a 2nd Mother to them, and that's important and a very difficult task.

Here's the deal.  One spouse should not be doing anything without the other spouse's agreement.  Compromise when you must, but don't make decisions that make one another unahppy, your relationship will not last very long that way, trust me.  Explain to your boyfriend how you feel about it, and tell him you would feel much more comfortable if you weren't so close with his ex.  Just explain that you want everyone to be civil, however, you don't want to be "friends" per se.  I'm sure if he respects you the way he should he will act accordingly.  

I'm glad that you want everything to be civil and for them to not hate one another -- that's the way it should be. :)  As a little side note I do not feel his children should always come first -- well, maybe for now but once you're married, YOU should come first.  A person should always put their spouse first -- children NEED to be raised in an environment where they see their parents marriage is the most important, sacred thing to them.  Trust me.

Being a step parent is hard, believe me, but it's worth it!  Good luck!

Answer 9

Dump him he is to close to her they probably have s*x 2 or 3 times a week behind your back

Answer 10

I know this is difficult.  I am in the same situation except my husband and I have been married for 10 years.  His ex and he have two children.  We do not sit by her or hers at any functions but my husband doesn't want to.  He wants to have as little contact as possible with the ex.  It really has be be his decision to sit or not to sit but he should listen to your thoughts and take you into consideration. Yes his children come first in his life but if you are his life partner then you should be up there with them, not behind them.  If you are not then there may be other issues.

Answer 11

well they just have a regular relationship because they were high school sweethearts. also because of the kids. i think that its a big deal to you because you and your boyfriend dont have a relationship as close, also her relationship with his family, how the kids react when they are both around and the fact that you are scared that things might not be fully over between them. i think that you are just scared that they might get back together. if he is commited to you then be happy and focus on what you have with him not what he had with her. she will always be there so you just have to learn to deal with it and the realationship that they have. it sounds normal to me, just try to get along with her and dont let something that little get to you. also they have kids together and his family is close to her so you might also be worried about the fact that the were once complete and happy. and you and him are not complete yet. just focus on what you have. dont stress

Answer 12

I agree with you.  Its wonderful that the family all wants to be there for the children's activities - but he needs to be understanding of your discomfort - and draw the line between families.  You and he are a family - along with the children.  The mother and the children are a family.  He is no longer with her - and their ties should be only through the children.  You have been accepting and respectful to her for the sake of the children - and your boyfriend should appreciate that.  Now he needs to show some respect to you.

Answer 13

its about the kids, if they can be civil around each other and be there for THEIR children together as a family then thats great. those kids need both mom and dad there. the fact that you can get along with their mother will pay off in the end. the kids will see you as a strong respectible person. someone who cared enough about them and their dad to deal with it and stick thru it. you arent just dating him, its a package deal.  

Answer 14

Wow! The fact that you even allow this is crazy! I would have slapped my bf and knocked some sense into his stupid head. They are BOTH disrespecting you. I would have a talk with your bf and put my foot down.  

Answer 15

This isn't about you.

This is raising two young kids in a world filled with parents in relationships a lot like your parents.

Instead of your beau and his ex fighting and screaming, they prefer a less stressful way of handling to communicate and raise the kids.

If you want the screaming, yelling, and chaos with the ex and kids, then find another man.

There are far more relationships like that than the one you are currently involved in.

You don't see her that often. Deal with it.

Answer 16

Wow, that is a lot to swallow!  I would feel the same as you.  Tell your bf how you feel.  Let him know that you don't enjoy sitting next to someone he used to sleep with.  Ask if he would like to get together with your exes as well.  Perhaps he does see her as strictly a friend (although I question if they both wonder if there is something more) but they are crossing the line.  There is no way that you should be comfortable in that situation.  You and your bf and his family should sit together and she and her family should sit elsewhere.  She is an ex meaning that she is not longer in a relationship with him.  She is the mother of his children and that is it!  Birthday parties should even be separate!  Perhaps you should show him the responses you get.  Good luck!

Answer 17

This seems to bother you and I don't blame you. It does sound like you need to move along to someone who doesn't have strings attached. Take it from someone who has been there done that... it will only get worse as they get older. Get out while you can.

Answer 18

Here is my opinion:

1. You are wrong that the kids come first. If you marry him, as wife you need to come first. A wife needs to come first regardless whether the kids are one or both of yours.

2. He is not giving sufficient consideration to your feelings. If he starts out this bad prior to marriage he will most likely not change.

3. This seems to be the new way to do families. Let's all be friends and sit together. But it is hardest on you. If they were that worried about the kids they should not have split up.

4. This guy and his family and his ex will drive you crazy forever I am afraid.

5. Step-parenting is the toughest job on earth. A lot of blood, sweat and tears and little, most likely no appreciation from the kids.

6. There will be never-ending arguments between your guy, you and the kids. Just wait til the subject of wills comes up. What about every time the kids want some expensive toy, car, gadget. He will want to be the good guy and buy it, even if you can't afford it.

7. I'd move on, you are young ,get a guy who will have kids just with you, no ex hanging around, no stepkids, no huge childsupport payments, no phone calls coming in from the ex, no having to make nice to the ex, no inlaws who love to hang out and talk about the ex. It will be heavenly.