What is the best joke that you've heard lately?

Question

I can use a few laughs here...

Answer 1

your mum

shes the best joke around

Answer 2

Duck walks into a bar, sits down on the barstool.  Barkeep walks over, says "What'll you have, duck?"

Duck says, "I'll have some grapes."

Bartender says to the duck, "Look, duck.  This is a bar, not a fruit stand.  Get out of here!"

Duck leaves.  Comes back in the next day, sits on the barstool.  Bartender walks over, says, "All right, duck.  Whattaya want?"

Duck looks the barkeep right in the eye, says, "I'll have some grapes."

Bartender raises his voice.  "Okay, smart aleck.  Get out of here with this 'grapes' nonsense!"

So, the duck leaves and - sure enough - walks in the next day.  Bartender gives him the stinkeye.  "Allll right, duck.  One more time.  What'll you have?"

The duck gives him the stinkeye right back, and says - yeah - "I'll have some grapes."

Bartender loses his cool completely.  Total meltdown.  "ALL RIGHT, YOU LITTLE @#$%@#$%@#$%!  Get out of here, GET OUT NOW, and if you come in here and order GRAPES ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna NAIL your BILL to the bar!"

Duck high-tails it out the door.  Next day he walks right back in, sits back up on the same barstool, and hits the bartender with an icy glare.  Bartender walks over to him.  "All right, duck.  You've been warned.  What'll you have."

Duck says, "I'll have some nails."

Bartender says, "What?  We don't have any nails."

"Great!  I'll have some grapes!"

Answer 3

ur name! hahahaha  

Answer 4

what do you call a sleepwalking nun? a roamin' catholic

ok, so bin laden finally dies and he actually goes to heaven. when he gets there he walks through the gates... and gets punched in the face by george washington! he's holding his nose and moaning and patrick henry comes up and kicks him in the groin. he's on the ground and in the distance he hears ppl yelling, and a bunch of running, so he turns to st peter and asks what's up? st pete replies very calmly" oh, it wasn't 72 virgins you were promised, it was 72 virginians!"  

Answer 5

i heard it the other day, a group of guys that work together go on a night out and they have one of those bucking bronco things and the first guy tries and last a little while and the second guy tries and is much the same. the third guy tries and he stays on for ages, after the ride is done he gets off and regroups with his friends and they're all really impressed. how did u stay on they asked him? my wife's epileptic he said.  

Answer 6

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man says, "It’s the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?" The man says, "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man screams, "The decorator!"

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot. The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"

The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"

Answer 7

A man walked into KFC and asked for a leg and a wing so the chucked him out.

Answer 8

An Englishmans car breaks down in Scotland,

As he lifts his Bonnet a Scotsman walks up to the car and starts to look at the engine and fiddle with the wires,

The Englishman asks "Are you a mechanic?"

"No" Replied the Scotsman

"I'm a McTavish"