What is the best/most mature way to handle this?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. We are both graduating college in April. We've had our fair share of problems. I struggled with jealousy, and he struggled with controlling his temper. He has called me a b*tch numerous times and has said very hurtful things, like he only treats me badly sometimes because of how I treat him. He also lied to me about smoking for 2 years, I don't smoke, but he did the whole time, and I had no idea. I don't mean to make it sound like I was perfect, but sometimes I just felt like he was very selfish, and blamed me for everything always. About 3 months ago he declared a break, and I was devastated. He said he was too, but that he was doing it to help us, to let go of our grudges. As time went on, I was still very sad, but I started to move on, not to another person, but just got used to life without him. Then he told me how he felt like I only thought he was a convenience and he felt like he wasn't as important. Then he told me we are getting back together, and if we aren't "officially" back together then he would stop talking to me and never see me again and we should both just move on with our lives. He said it'd be too hard for him to be just friends. Well I went ahead and got back together with him, but I just feel less into it. Sometimes I feel like there is someone better out there for me, and I just haven't met them yet, and the other part thinks that's naive. He says he wants to marry me someday. Part of me feels like he only wants to because it's convenient. He doesn't want to right when we graduate college because he wants to live alone for a while and buy himself things.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is because there is a lot of me that still thinks I want to be with him, but I just don't know if it's right. Part of it is, I'm worried that I won't meet anyone else, especially since I'm graduating college soon, and I do think I love him. He's one of my best friends at college so I feel like if I broke up with him for the last year of school here, it would be hard. I hate feeling lonely. I don't think that I want to do that, but what are your suggestions? If I tell him that I want a break he will just tell me it's over, and how he was trying so hard to make us work, and I was just being lazy and not putting forth any effort into the relationship. At least through the whole course of the break if I told him we were either together or not, he said that I was just giving him an ultimatum so that I could go date someone else, which was not true. Now that he has given me an ultimatum he just tells me that if I don't date him he'll have nothing to do with me. After the break, he has been nicer and definately has been making more of an effort, and he says that we'll be fine if we both relax. I'm just confused, these days he's been nicer. He also always helps me out when I need it and is a good friend. I don't think I want to break up with him, but even if I did, I don't know how I would do it. What is your advice?

Answer 1

All you are is afraid of being alone? I will suggest you leave this person right away and fill your life with anything that makes you happy (clubs, volunteer work etc.) There is nothing worse than waiting around for someone to change.

People usually do not change. i read nothing in your post to suggest he has dramatically changed.

Hang out with your girlfriends. It sounds like you are lonely. If you don't have a lot of friends, try making some new ones.

don't stay for the wrong reason, and you haven't mentioned any real reason to stay. Go, and get your life together.

Answer 2

it sound sto me like you have already made your decision, it's time to put it into action.  I know that breaking up with someone that you have been with for a long time is hard.  It always is.  But you will get over it, you will move on and you will be better for it.  Just remember that if you are only staying with him because you don't want to spend your last year a college without him then you are being selfish.  

Answer 3

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I know exactly how you feel.  I had a boyfriend throughout college and he did much the same thing.  He would say things to manipulate me then blame it on me.  He cheated and said it was my fault.  I stayed with him because I didn't want to be lonely.

I know it's hard to see now, but you need to get away from this.  He is not treating you the way you deserve to be.  Sure, he's nice now, but what will happen a month from now, or a day from now when things aren't so rosy?  He is being emotionally abusive to you.  Asking for a break, then saying you just want to date someone else if you want to break with him?  He's trying to control you as well.  These situations do not improve without a lot of help.

Listen to what your heart is telling you:  something is not right.  Don't ignore your instincts.  Take yourself out of this mix before it's too late.  You may be lonely for a time, but it's better than being abused.  

Tell him you've been thinking about it and although you do care for him, you think both of you are better off not dating anymore.  Stick to your guns and don't allow him to guilt you into coming back to him.  Be strong and know you deserve to be treated better than this.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Staying in an abusive relationship because you're worried that you might not find someone else is not a good idea. He is still manipulating you - you are right, either you're together or you're not. And if you needed a threat to get together with him you need to ask if you really should be.  

Answer 5

You are in collage, you are still young, got your whole life ahead, of course you will meet someone else.  Plus he sounds controlling.  He declared the break, he decided you were back together!  and what did you do that he treated you badly? Did he tell you that he treated you badly because of what you done? Did deep down did you think you deserved it, probably not.  He lied about the smoking, sounds small but he decieved you for 2 years - what else might he have lied about?  Leave him, get out of this relationship NOW!

Answer 6

You should never be with someone if you aren't happy, and fear of not finding someone else is not a reason to stay in a bad relationship. There's a big difference between being picky and having standards. EVen if you don't meet someone in the next few years, you will have lot s of other things to enjoy! You are entering the workforce and getting out of school, why do you need a crummy boyfriend holding you back? And why did he "tell you" that you were back together? I don't care how long you were dating before, it takes two people and there should be a discussion from both sides to see if you want to give it another try.

Marriage takes a lot more than love. Even if you do love him, do you see yourself living with him for the rest of your life? Could you work together to run a household? Are you looking for similar lifestyles?

No one here can tell you what to do, we don't know your relationship. Trust your judgment! Can you really be happy with him, forever or even for a week?

ADD: I re-read something that I need to comment on. I am worried about your statement about how he blames you for the bad things he does. Many abusers use guilt as a way to break down their partners and to justify thier actions. I really wonder how healthy this relationship he can be if he thinks its OK to be hurtful and then blame it on you. Fights are normal and you are obviously not perfect (no one is), but if he is apologizing by saying "I'm sorry I said that, but its because you ______" it isn't an apology and I would dump his sorry butt.

Answer 7

CAN YOU SHORTEN YOUR ANSWER AND REPOST?

Answer 8

Move on.  Who cares who "wins" in this situation, which seems to be the backbone of your relationship.  Sometimes the senior year of college is very lonely anyway - it was for me when my best girlfriends graduated ahead of me.  

Take the chance without him.  He will always be nicer when he has something to gain.  Great relationships shouldn't be a struggle and when you have a truly good one you will know it.  

Answer 9

Don't stay in a relationship because you are lonely/not sure if you are going to find something better.  The way you talk about it makes it clear to me that you already know what to do.  It will be hard to leave him more because it is what you are used to than anything, but you were already half way there and then got sucked back in.  You have been dating for two years and he doesn't want to commit.  He might never want to, what happens if you stick around playing silly games for another two years?  You'll have nothing to show but wasted time(and probably wasted opportunity).  I say you break it off, take some time for yourself.  Date other people, see whats out there.  College isn't the end of your dating life by any means..you have all the time in the world.  You aren't happy now, and staying together longer isn't going to change your feelings of indifference. You deserve and will eventually find the one person you can't live without and it will be worth it when you do.  Good luck...remember you are worth the kind of love you want :)

Answer 10

Pull yourself together and tell him that as much as you care, it just isn't working.  Breaking up and moving on with your life during your last year of college may just be the best thing you ever do for YOURSELF!

Answer 11

i'm sorry i didn't read the hole thing this line made me stop

Part of it is, I'm worried that I won't meet anyone else,

you don't want to be with him then leave him!

you will find someone else!

you will go in and out of jobs and you will make more friends and college isn't the best place to met your other half!

you say you do THINK you love him!  if you have to think about it then you don't!  it's more of a comfort zone!  and you been with him for a while so it's scarry in the big world!  there is so much out there that you can't see right now becuase of this confusion your faced with!

You know what you want to do deep down inside and yes it is hard!  and hate to break it to you there is no easy way!  

just talk with him! open up communicate what you said here!

Maybe him knowing how you feel will help things or help let things go!

Good luck

Answer 12

If it's been over 2 years and you are still questioning whether it is right, then it probably isn't.  It sounds like he is playing a lot of games, which shows some immaturity on his part.  You should break it off and take time to be yourself, to do your own thing and live your own life.  Sometimes distance is the only way that you can really see a relationship for what it is.  If, after you have done that, you still want to be with him, it will work out.  

Answer 13

You may not want to, but you NEED to break this off completely and for good.  You have a miserable relationship that lacks EVERYTHING that is needed in a good relationship.  The only thing keeping you together is fear of the unknown.  I can promise that there is a better fit or both of you.

Simply tell him that it's just not working out for you and you understand that the two of you can not be friends (and you really DON'T need him as a friend)

Move on, move forward and don't look back.  There is nothing here worth working for.

Answer 14

This man lies to you, calls you cruel names, gives you ultimatums, manipulates you emotionally, and you're wondering if you should stay with him? People don't change - this is how he treats you now and how he's going to treat you for the rest of your life. It's hard to end something that is familiar and comfortable, but he does not sound like a healthy person for you to be around. Tell him:

"Brian, I'm glad that we gave this another try, but it isn't working. We need to go our separate ways." Keep it short and simple, and don't try to explain every detail in your mind. All he needs to know is that you gave it a try but it isn't the right relationship for you.

You sound like a thoughtful, mature person. Please don't stay with someone who mistreats you - you deserve better. You are getting ready to graduate and enter a great big world, and you're going to meet lots of guys who won't lie and hurt you.

Answer 15

Hi, what you describe reminds me alot of a relationship I was in from age 17-21. My bf at the time also broke up with me, then kind of got back together, but in public would say we weren't together, etc.

I put up with it for a while because I thought I loved him (which at the time I did), but really do you think this will work long term? 8 years later I'm now 3 months away from getting married to a man that loves and respects me for who I am, and does not play games. We discuss things but don't fight constantly.



Your current bf may not be an all around bad guy, but perhaps the 2 of you together just aren't a match.  In my case, my old boyfriend is now married to someone that better fits his personality, but the 2 of us together didn't work, people say we were too much alike, both hard headed lol.

I know it's hard, but might as well let go now. For all you know, you may find someone else by the time you graduate in april. Don't be lonely, go for walks, go to coffee shops, you can do it.

ps. it's true you will get less responses if your answer is too long, but I also tend to write too much lol... in any case it was written very clearly and I personally didn't mind reading it.

take care

Answer 16

Hmmm, sounds kinda like the guy I was dating before I met my now fiance...  If he's calling you names and saying hurtful things just to hurt you, honey that's emotional abuse.  And if he's got that bad a temper, do you want to risk it growing into physical abuse?  And do you really think so little of yourself that you think you deserve to be treated that way for the rest of your life?  Because unless he gets counseling, he's not going to change, no matter how sweet and charming he seems after a break, and how much he says he wants to marry you someday.

DROP HIS SORRY ***!!!  He's not worth your time.  You say that you're worried that if you break up with him this last year of college that you won't have any friends?  OMG!!!  Does that mean you don't have any other friends now, because if so then that's another sign of an abusive person, assuming that you're the sort of person who normally would have a circle of friends that extends beyond your boyfriend, for him to get it so that you have no support system outside of your relationship.

You can meet new friends and WILL meet somebody else to date once you finish college, unless you're majoring in living in a hole under a rock.  Sorry to sound harsh, but you will get a job and meet people and you will make new friends.

And hey, if the dating pool seems to suck, try eHarmony.  That's where I met my fiance!