What is the best way to contact birth mother?

Question

After much deliberation and procrastination I think I want to get in touch with my birth mother. I have her details as she was on a contact register, but know that she has married since then and so may not have told her husband. I do not know if there are any other children. It has been 38 years since she gave me up, and when I got her details she would have been advised that I was given them, which was 5 years ago, so it will probably come as a surprise. Also, I now live on the other side of the world.

So, I really do not know the best way to go about this and would value the opinion of anyone who has been through this, especially any birth mothers.

Thank you.

Answer 1

all i can say is go for it i am an adoptee and a birth mother and even though my daughter has known for at least four years as to where i am and that i am dying for contact she has decided that she doesn't want me in her life in any form and this hurts like h**l and has made me even the more determined to find my birth mother who as yet i have not been able to find anything out about except her name and how old she was at the time of my birth

Answer 2

I am a reunited adoptee too. It's tough b/c I held her number for at least 2 wks but finally I just called. The family told her I had located them anyway so she was anticipating my call. I have a feeling your BM was probably looking fw to hearing from you 5yrs ago.

Answer 3

I have heard this search guide is good:

http://www.b******s.org/search/series.ht...

Also, for support:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

I searched for my mother 20 years ago, at 22.  The first thing she asked me was, "What took you so long?"

I hope your reunion goes well!

Answer 4

I am the birth grandmother of a little boy. I know that his adoption was the right decision and I know he is being raised in a very good situation with parents that love him. (my daughter is the birth mother).  From this side of things..We think about him every single day. I am grateful that he came into this world through my family and I believe his life was meant to be and is where he should be. With that said--I pray every day that some day he is curious enough to come around, ask questions, and let me HUG him. Adoption is not a decision made because the birth family does not love the child, usually so the child can have a chance to have a better life. Go ahead any try. She already KNOWS you are out there somewhere. Good Luck.

Answer 5

I'm a birth mother and also registered to be located. I moved and forgot to update that informaiton. My letter went into the file, so there is no guarantee that she got it. My daughter actually found a nephew of mine and said we were old friends and she wanted to get in touch with me. His wife gave her my number. She had her husband call in case i had changed my mind about a reunion. I had'nt and it has been almost 9 teriffic years since then. I agree with the suggestion of not leaving a message either by phone or with a person about who you are. This is far too personal and needs to be handled personally.

I'm excited for you both, I remember the butterflies in my stomach, not only when Rachael and I met but all over again when we found her dad, which also turned out great.

Best of luck, and hurry up and make that call, she's waiting.

Answer 6

Well, any contact would be a surprise, but I wouldn't put it off too long.  Life has a tendency to happen and for all you know, she could die in a car accident tomorrow.

Answer 7

I think she would love to hear from you. You can get an intermeiary to call for you? Many local search and reunion groups are very good a this. I know they always start with something like "Is thhis a good time to talk?" I think it would come as a good surpise... you should just call. :) I only say this because she was listed on the registry!

Answer 8

I'm a reunited adoptee & a birth mother.

I would suggest that assuming you have her phone number that you call as any professional making a buisness call. If you must leave a message a simple "hello, I'm calling for Mrs. X this is Mrs.xx Please return my call at 555-1212" would be sufficient. That way you are sparing any hurt feelings of hubby not knowing, and giving her a chance to call at her convience. I would definitly not say to anyone or leave a message to the effect of hi I'm you daughter..call me!

Seeing that she left her info for you, I would say she wants to hear from you. As a birthmother I can tell you that I am counting the days and the minutes until I hear from my daughters. I still love them very much, and think of them every day. I hope someday they pick up the phone & make that call.

Come on over to www.adultadoptees.org you'll find lots of support from people that have been down that road before

Answer 9

I finally found my birth mother and am around your same age.  I talked to her brother first, then she called me.  Just be prepared for a lot of emotion on both your parts.  Be gentle and empathic.  Approach her as you would feel if you gave up your child for adoption.  I started by telling her 'thank you' for doing such an unselfish and giving me a great life.  That will definitely start the water works.  I was lucky and know my birth mother and I are great friends, although she lives in Florida and I am in California, we talk on the phone a lot and visit occasionally.  Keep in mind as you read over everyone's suggestions that every situation and circumstance is different and could be negative or really positive.  Go with your instincts and what feels right for you.  Feel free to write me if you have any questions as I just went through this my self.  It is something you need to do either way for yourself.  I was able to let go of a lot of stuff.  Unfortunately, adoptees will always have those pesky little abandonment issues no matter what.  It's a life long journey.  I wish you the best, truly :)!

Answer 10

I'm a birth mother.  I have all of my information out on several registries for my biological son - and I would LOVE to hear from him.  But - I don't feel like it's a good idea to bust into his life.  He is the innocent one here.  So - I patiently wait for him to contact me.  And I know he may never do so.

As for you searching for your bio-mom - you have every right to find her and ask her questions.  She may not want to talk to you - but my guess is that she will.

Here is a GREAT article that discusses the best way to contact someone who you were separated from through adoption....

http://www.southcarolinaadoptions.com/Co...

Good luck to you - and blessings!!

Answer 11

she left the info, so i'm pretty sure she would have told her husband.

i'm so happy for you!  i know it's scary, but believe me, it's worth it.

she waited for a long time, then found out 5 years ago that you got the info, so she's probably going nuts waiting.

i would definately call her if you can.  maybe have someone make the call for you and break the initial news so she has a second to catch her breath.