What is the best way to deal with a mother who does not love herself and does not know how to love you?

Question

First I will say I love my mother and as I have gotten older I have learned how to love myself. My mother has always treated me cruel for no reason. I always listened to my parents and was a good student in school. Even once I was older when I was given a curfew, I followed and if for any reason I was going to be late I called way ahead of the time I was supposed to be home. But my mother would lock me out of the house or just do mean things like yell at me for no reason. My sister had a child at 22 yrs, I was 18 yrs with no children, going to school full time and working full time, helping my mom pay her bills as well as pay for school and whatever bills I had and she would tell me I can not go anywhere I had to stay home and take care of my niece while my sister could go out and party. At first I used to say maybe she wanted me to stay home so I would not do the same thing my sister did but when I would ask her why she would just say because she said so. I got past all of that but now that I have grown up, gotten married and long moved out she is still unnecessarily mean to me and now my kids. She would buy my niece and nephew christmas and birthday gifts but not my kids and when my kids ask me why she does that I honestly have no answer for them I constantly make excuses like sorry guys maybe she forgot or maybe she did not have enough money. I have nicely asked her why she does that and she would just start yelling at me and tell me I am acting stupid or what the h**l am I talking about. I find myself avoiding visiting or even taking my kids to visit which I know is wrong but to protect my feelings and theres whatelse can I do? Any advice or suggestions? Or should I just accept her for what she is and let it go?

Answer 1

i am dealing with that as we speak. it seemed like she had to nitpick me to death and wont give me a reason. she would take things out on me.

you seem older than me and i have a feeling that my mom is going to be the same way. i would just either except it or just tell her not to bother in your family's life if she cant show you any respect.

it seems to me that theres something she bothered by, jealousy or something that you have and she could never. if she doesnt want to be mature about it and talk to you after all these years then its not worth it to stress over.

Answer 2

I am in the same position. I have a step-son who my mother dotes on (because he is not mine) but ignores my other two. You can do nothing. Accept it and move on but continue to show love and refuse to let it affect your relationship with your children. Continue to visit but don't challenge her, keep things calm and do your duty. My mother is now very old and inferm and I know she hasn't long to live but I show no bitterness  - I rise above it all and when she finally passes I can hold my head up and know I did my best - the problem lies with her.

Answer 3

It seems because you are capable and competent, she expects more of you than your sister.

I had similar experiences with my Mom.  It was as if she punished me for my good behavior.  I can't say that I ever understood her but she had many mental issues that I finally had to do as you suggested, "accept her for what she is".  In her final years I was who she came to (capable and competent), I took care of her and found peace with her. in the end that's what matters.

My children all knew their grandma was odd but what mattered most to me was that I treated her with respect and that my kids treat her with respect, she may not have earned it but it was the right thing to do. From your post I think you will do the right thing.  What matters most to your children is the example you are setting for them.

Peace Be Still

Answer 4

It's really weird that so many people, mostly women, have that same family dynamic. I do ,too. For the longest time I felt like,"If your own mother doesn't love you, how can anyone else love you?" Or what is wrong with me for my mother to dislike me? Then I had a child with the best man in the world and together they have shown me the most amazing unconditional love. Now I feel like it wasn't a problem with me, but a defect in her personality.Becoming a parent also made me realize that no one is going to be a perfect mother. You will make mistakes no matter how hard you try. Just do your best to show them you love them and teach them to love themselves. Congratulations to you for being able to overcome the way she treated you so you could be happy.

Answer 5

Your mother is acting like she's jealous of you for some reason...My mother played favorites with my siblings and I was left out. But my Dad made up for it, and she hates me with a passion for that. My mother disowned because my lifestyle was not up to her standards.

My mother used to beat on me, took out all her frustration on me, but I grew up to be a wonderful person, and a great mom!!!

So let bygones be bygones, I live my life.

So should you. Just live for yourself and your children, and don't mind what she does...