What is the best way to help my 9yo accept my new man?

Question

I am a single mum of 9yo and a 5yo girls. They have had very little contact with their father.I had previously dated a guy for almost a year but this ended as my oldest daughter tension and discomfort at the time made it difficult to continue the relationship. It has been about 2 years and he and i have reconnected. Unfortunately my 9 yo's feeling have not changed,worse still possibly intensified. I don't want to lose this guy again as we have a very strong connection,but would greatly appreciate advice on how to help my daughter accept him. She says she feel sick when he's around and that she hates him.

My 5 yo always liked this man previously, even calling him Dad the first time round. She doesn't have any problem with him being around. My 9 yo has outbursts ranging from anger ,withdrawal,and even crying for long periods.

What is the best way to help my 9 yo accept my new man? How can i help her feel safe and secure without having to stay single forever?

Answer 1

i'd never accept a new parent, and know many kids that are the same, there will always be friction between them and they may grow to hate each other.

Answer 2

There is a reason why she feels this way. Talk to her. If she won't open up, then go to a family therapist. You will not automatically become a family. There's normal resentment at someone new coming in, but it seems like this tension has another source. She may even be distrustful of men in general because of her experience with her father. She could want to protect you and her sister, as well as herself from hurt. It is hard being in that position suddenly, and having no control over what will happen to you and your family.

Good luck.

Answer 3

First off your situation sound a little disturbing from your little girls point of view.  You should not force your child or children to like anyone you date.  They are young and kids are sometimes very protective of their parents.  So maybe she is just over protective of you, or she feels you and her dad should still be together.  I don't know your history, but sometimes kids will not accept their parents being with anyone but your mother or father.  Kids don't understand divorce.  The second thing is you should maybe ask her why she is so troubled by your bf.  But you need to remember not to push your feeling for your bf on to her.  You are her mother and need to really listen and be there for her.  Cuz sometimes we forget we are parents and think of ourselves when we find something or someone we want.  I don't mean to scare you, but it is just a thought...sometimes kids who are that terrified or hate someone have a very good reason.  I hope you hear her and not overlook her feelings.  Listen and show her you are her mother and would never let anything happen to her.  Re-insure her of where she stands in your life.  

Answer 4

You first need to not force this on her. You might think that you need this man, but you have the rest of your life to find someone. Your daughter needs to know that it is her and her brother that is your priority. The harder you try to get her to accept him, the longer its going to take. A little at a time. Reasure her often, and this man needs to let the relationship with your daughter develope at her pace. This man needs to first be her friend. Even if the real dad is out of the picture, she doesn't want a replacemet. A friend however is something more reasonable to accept. He needs to take her side when the two of you are not agreeing on something. This will show her that he is more than another adult telling her she's wrong. If he wants the job as daddy, he will have to earn it the hard way. Put yourself in her shoes. What would earn your trust if you were her. I mean her, not what would be convienant for you.

Answer 5

Your 9yo is going through a tough moment understanding the man figure in the house. She´s barely known her real father to accept a "stranger" in her eyes. Besides she must be jelous of him because now your attention is not to her entirely. I feel for her, it must be very difficult for her. What you can do is talk to her about how much you understand her position, but explain to her that this man is not here to take you away from her, and is not there to ruin what you have with her. He´s there to help, to protect them and to take care of them. Promise her you´ll have one day a week just for her, and you do it. Once she sees that you keep your promises she´ll trust you and she´ll believe what you say. If she gains your trust she´ll start trusting this person too. Consistency is the key for anyone to accept, trust and believe!

If you see improvements, plan more family trips, play games, cook together and make it fun for them to be with this man.  

Answer 6

Ease him in...don't push him in.  He needs to grow on her.  If you go out and do things with your daughters and he joins you...make sure its things that your daughters like to do...it will be easier I think/

Answer 7

You need to look into this more and ask her why she doesnt like him

Answer 8

You need to do nothing, He needs to gain her trust and attention!

update:

You tell them!

They do not tell you!

Take Charge now! or your asking for a very few( teens) interesting yours of "fun!"

Answer 9

Maybe elder daughter wants you back with her dad?

or maybe THIS man is not trustworthy around daughters? Those are two things that come to mind.

I did not like my mom dating anyone either tho' and NEITHER of the above things were true.  Hmmmm, What a helpful ANSWER i GAVE!  LOL

Answer 10

It makes sense the the older one, having more of a memory perhaps of their biological father, would have the most trouble accepting it.

I guess the best way to do it is not make it feel like you're forcing this on her. While it is most importantly your life this man is involved in, you should recognize too how big a role he plays in her life, whether she has control on it or not. Don't make it feel like he's pushing his way in and taking you from her. Try and see if you can't set up time for them to hang out more, without you, and see if it isn't too late to build up a relationship between the two other than the one they have only through you. It would probably be best to include the five year old so that they may be a tad more willing, and you too to get things rolling, but ask your boyfriend to pay special attention to her maybe, like buying her an ice cream or something. And gradually back off and give the two space and time to become friends, instead of just boyfriend to the mother and daughter of the girlfriend.

Answer 11

tell them he has candy

Answer 12

i'm not trying to accuse him but just so we're looking at all sides of the situation... what did he do to her?

Answer 13

He probably never will because its not his true dad and all children want is for their real mum and dad to get back together again.

You have to sit down with them and tell them, though they may not like it at all, but mum and dads relationship is really over and so mummy won't grow old and lonely on her own, she has chosen ______

for your new partner in life, as they will leave home some day to start a life of their own and you will be left there on your own if you don't find someone new. Then leave them to think about it for a day or two and answer any questions they have.

Answer 14

First of all, you need to find out why your daughter distrusts this man so much!! Children do not have this much tension and discomfort without cause!! Sometimes it is very hard for them to talk about their concerns with adults, esp. when there are divorces, so you really need to get her some professionel consueling help and see if she won't open up to someone-- either her father or this man, I'm betting, has done something inappropriate towards her in the past, and then may have even threatened her if she did tell anyone about it!!But, I bet, if you get to the bottom of this, you will find she has a reason for this "sick feeling, and feelings of hate when he's around". This behavior is simply not typical of little children this age, and they have no desires t this early age to manipulate or control their parents futures!! You need to listen to her, and NOW !!.

Good luck!

Answer 15

I would suggest a counselor for your family because it sounds to me like your daughter has some really serious issues about men, and even if you never saw this man again those issues are still there.  It's certainly better to get professional help now than to see how she attempts to work them out on her own as a teenager!

Answer 16

talk to her and ask her why she thinks she feels sick when he is around. tell her it is ok for her to have emotions but tantrums are not ok. ask her  why it makes her angry. find out what part of your dating is bothering her. is it because she wants dad to be there or does she feel he is taking your attention. take her on some dates with you and also try asking her if she would like to go to the park with just him so they can get to know each other. tell her she doesn't have to talk to him if she doesn't want to and that you will get a sitter for her when you him and her sister goes to the park together.  give her options. and tell her that the decision will be hers but she has to start acting like a 9 year old and not a two year old.  

Answer 17

If you have the right man, then your daughters will accept him, but remember who comes first ... Love your daughters and #1  make sure your man knows it!!!

Answer 18

your daughter is going to have to deal with the fact that mommy needs love too, try to tell your daughter how happy he makes you feel and ask her why she hates him so much, she could just resent that she has to spit her time with someone new. as long as he is nice to your kids u should keep him around. have him buy a gift she has been wanting and let the two of them have a one on one and check in on them from time to time to make sure everything is still going okay. your daughter is 9 and will soon start to have feelings for boys (in a few years) she will learn to understand...

good luck hun :)