What is the best way to teach your child about feelings?

Question

My son is 20 months old and he’s obviously still small where I’m not asking him to talk in complete sentences. But I would like to try to teach him and work on him getting to understand feelings. I’m not sure if this is too old, too young, or just right to be teaching him this.

He tends to get angry a lot when he doesn’t get his way (typical I know) but I want to help him use his words. Especially lately when I pick him up from daycare, he has ZERO interest to leave. He loves this place and wants to just play, play, play. But he throws a tantrum when we leave and I try talking to him and asking him if this makes him angry or upset. And that we’ll come back tomorrow to play with everyone.

I guess I’m not sure how to really help teach him about feelings. What they are, what they mean.

Any advice here? What age did your child start to learn these things? How did you teach them?

Answer 1

Feelings are a difficult thing to get a child to understand.  Children at the age of 20 months don't typically have sympathy or empathy to the degree where we would like.  It looks like your primary concern is anger and teaching about that.  There is a book that's excellent if you can find it and I read to the children in my day care from time to time.  It's called "How I Feel Angry" and it's in the 'How I Feel' series of books.  I tried finding a link to it online for you and couldn't, but here's a link to a similar book. http://www.amazon.com/When-I-Feel-Angry-...

The most important thing that you can do, you're already doing.  Instead of asking how it makes him feel, though, make assumptions and TELL him and talk to him.  Say things like "I know that it makes you angry when we have to leave your day care."  or "I know that you get frustrated when we have to leave somewhere that you're having fun."  Show him that you understand his feelings and are willing to work through them with him.

If he's throwing tantrums, it would be appropriate to say such things as "I know that it makes you angry when we have to leave if you're having fun, but having tantrums is NOT okay" in a firm, but calm voice.  Then, you need to pick him up and take him away, regardless of his screaming and fits.  All he wants is understanding.  

Think about it - it's so hard to be his age where you can't express your feelings and don't quite yet have the words to get out everything you need to get out.  He just wants to know that you get it, that's all. :)  

Well - he may just want to get his way a little bit, too, but I guarantee once he knows you understand but that you mean business, it will get better. :)

Good luck! - Hope this helped!

Answer 2

Blue's Clues has an episode that teaches about feelings. I'm not saying you should rely on tv to teach your child lol, but it is actually a pretty good episode. Something that you could try is making a game out of showing different emotions through facial expression. Make a happy face, sad face, angry face, etc. As far as the tantrums when you leave daycare, I went through that same thing with my twins (who are 3 now). Sorry to tell you, but that probably won't change lol. Tantrums are a normal part of that age group and are a way of exerting control. I always made sure to have a snack and some juice in the car when I picked them up. I wouldn't bribe them, but I would let them know what was waiting for them if they went out to the car nicely. He's a little young right now, but soon you could do what I do with my sons, and I won't acknowledge them until they talk to me "like a big kid" and stop the tantrum. Just hang in there, it really is the age. Good luck!

Answer 3

Sounds to me like you're on the right track - the only thing I do differently is not asking him if he's feeling something, but instead telling him what I see.  If my son is angry, I can tell him, "You're making a fist and look very angry" - this allows them to label the sensation.  I think asking them is probably confusing - they don't know what an emotion is, so they cannot tell you if they're sad, mad, frustrated, irritated, etc.  I think it's our  job to help them name their feelings by realizing when they're looking a certain way, they're most likely feeling [whatever].

When my son is having so much fun he doesn't want to leave  like on the rides at the mall, I tell him we need to leave soon to go meet with daddy or whatever.  I then remind him we'll be leaving soon up to 4-5 times (as he gets older, I'll introduce leaving in 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute, time to go).  Finally, I tell him it's time to go now and ask him to tell the rides goodbye and that we'll be back later.  This doesn't work 100% of the time, but if he's had enough time to play and as long as I keep my word to bring him back to the rides again later, he will often leave of his own accord (this has worked probably 75% of the time).  I think having him say goodbye and promising to be back (the way I always do when I leave the room and then return) helps him a lot.

Anyway, you're definitely on the right track.  He's not too young to have you help him identify his emotions.  Just be careful that you're not labeling any particular emotion as "bad" or "wrong" - it's more important that he be allowed to feel the emotions and learn an effective way of handling them than it is to feel bad for feeling angry, etc.  That's why I never advocate time outs - I don't believe shunning your child when they're feeling such strong emotions is actually teaching them anything other than knowing that if they feel a "bad" feeling, you will want nothing to do with them.  That's not unconditional love, that's trying to force them to feel what you want them to feel or suffering the withdrawal of your love.  When a kid is misbehaving, it's usually out of frustration, boredom, irritation, etc. - there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.  Of course, hitting, kicking, spitting or pinching is not an effective way of dealing with those feelings, but neither is being shunned to a naughty spot!  When our kids are at their worst is when they need us the most to help them identify what they are experiencing and assure them that they are loved regardless.  I know that's not part of your question, but I wanted to throw it in b/c it goes hand in hand with teaching them about feelings.

Answer 4

I don't have much input on the feelings part....maybe you've already tried all this, but if you pick him up at the same time everyday can the teachers warn him ahead of time.....your mommy will be here in a few minutes.....kids need time to transition, just like we do....you could also have something special that you do at home so that you can say "come on, let's go home and _________."

Answer 5

Picture books on feelings.  Here's one that I think is great.

The Way I Feel by Janan Cain

ISBN  1-884734-72-3