What is the difference between Respecting the Differences and Pointing them Out?

Question

It seems that no matter what an Adoptive Parent says or does some will point out the "Way" the parent is wrong...

This questions is an important one to me.....

When raising a child I believe they are all unique individuals and all different then I am in some way.... I believe in pointing out my childs strong point--talents and unique person... and also helping them overcome those things THEY feel are problems for their own lives.

I see many point out that Adoptive Parents either Do Not Treat their adopted child the **SAME** as a biological child...But I also see so many point out that their Adoptive Parents don't give their child the chance to **Be Different**

So.....I am interested in feedback--What are some good ways that an Adoptive Parent can possibly point out these differences without causing that child to feel as if they have been treated differently?

Answer 1

My son is only two, but we pray for his birth mom and dad every night.  As he grows, I'll say things like "Wow, I wonder if your birth dad was a fast runner, because you sure are!"  Already, when he points to something we have that is from Ethiopia (like a basket or whatever), I'll say "That came from Ethiopia - who else came from Ethiopia?  You did!"

Answer 2

Actually, this is one area where being adopted can be a positive thing.  I never had to live up to or live down any other family member's reputation or expectations.  I never had Aunt Clara's nasty temper or failed to match Grandpa's musical ability.  I got to be me.

I think my aparents simply knew how to let my asiblings and me find ourselves.  A generosity of spirit, if you will.  Respecting difference and pointing out differences can be double edged swords.  Pointing out a difference in a disrespectful manner would back-fire.  Respecting differences with an exclusionary motive would again back-fire.

Answer 3

I gave this question some thought before answering it.  

When it comes to talents/interests/likes &dislikes, we take our cues from our children.  They are still exploring all of the opportunities they have in this country and we're letting them stretch out and find out what appeals to them.  We encourage them to try new things, in the way of sports/art/music, not trying to restrict or steer them by what we, as parents, liked when we were kids or by what our biological son's interests are.  

I've had to learn soccer rules and appreciate the game, even though I've always been a "football" mom.  I've done mother-daughter art classes, even though I still draw stick figures.  

I guess as an adoptive parent, I made a concerted effort not to bring too many of my own expectations into the lives of my children and respond to them, as individuals.  One of the most common things I say are "What do you think...?"  Then I take my cues from them.

Answer 4

Wow- I was going to post the SAME question earlier because of an earlier question- but I was at work and didn't have the time to type it all out.

Where is an adoptive parent to draw the line!?!?!  Great Question.

I think there has to be a balance and dividing that is a very fine line that hopefully, each a-parent can determine themselves how to acknowledge the natural parents and celebrating their uniqueness while at the same time, not isolating the child.

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Sunny you "would have been happier with some respect and acknowledgement of differences?"  You say this but block me from answering your questions so you don't see me express my opinions- similar or different than yours?  Take those sunglasses off.

Answer 5

I think part of the answer is in pointing out the differences and similarities of  EVERYONE not just the adopted child.  

Too many parents (not just APs) try to over emphasize how much everyone in the family is "equal" meaning that we can't talk too much about how good Johnny is at sport or Emma is at music for fear of upset the other children.  Apart from denying a child some well deserved praise, for an adopted child this can deny them the chance to recognise and celebrate the ways they may differ from their a-family or may be similar to their first family (for fear of upsetting their a-parents).

Conversely, some familes over-emphasise the difference of certain family members.  In my family the running joke was that I was the "milkman's daughter"  because I didn't look or act like the rest of my family.  I actually thought I was adopted (I'm not) for most of my childhood because of the way these differences were talked about.  This can be painful for any child but particularly so for the adopted child who doesn't have a genetic connection with the family and can feel that different = not worthy.

I think what we need to do is to find a happy medium.  We need to teach our children that we are all the same (we all laugh, cry, love, play, bleed etc) and we are all different (we all have different likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses etc).   If we celebrate the similarities and  differences of everyone then hopefully our child will feel comfortable with themselves and feel free to talk to us about it.

Answer 6

Each child is an individual.  You can have twins and one will act nothing like the other.  You're right.  Find their strengths and positive things and focus on those.

My parents raised me the same way they did their biological child.  My sister and I act more alike and say some of the same things, have many of the same interests and actions, than friends that we have that are fraternal twins.  They are complete opposites right down to their sexual orientation.  

My parents never said things like I sang well just like they do.  Mainly because they don't.  But I just never remember hearing statements like those.  They raised us to be independant strong woman.  Any interest I had was acted upon and I was allowed to pursue it.  Yes I have many of the same mannerisms of my adopted family.  Very little of what I do know of my biological family.  Is this common?  I can't tell you.  I only have my own experiences.  Being left handed is about the only thing I share in common with my biological family.  And also my hair and skin color.  That seems to be where it ends.  Now I haven't met but my birthmother and 2 relatives from my biological family so I can't give you an honest answer to that.

But I think pointing out any difference a child has to anyone in the home they are being raised in a negative mannor is not a good idea.  Focus on the positive and encourage them to do what they can excell in and I think they will grow up to respect who they are as a person.  And not be stuck on how they differ from everyone else.

Answer 7

I think we are different.  I think when most adoptees speak of being 'treated differently' it means from the other bio kids in the family.

My amother really favored her own children over my also- adopted brother and me.  It got old, and for me created a feeling of 'why bother'.  I just wanted it to be FAIR.  And as I mentioned in an earlier question last week : respectful.  

I don't think humans are capable of LOVING everyone.  But we can be respectful.  Personally, I am as respectful to the men who pick up my trash as I am to my doctor.  If you adpot a child you might NOT love him as much as you do your own child, but in my book, you sure as h@ll better ACT as if you do.

This means being respectful about your child's family (even if they're as awful as some here say), be respectful of your child's differences (even if you're threatened by them),  and be respectful about your child's sadness about being adopted.