What is the funiest joke you ever heard in your life ? ?

Question

Well, since im super depressed and sad, maybe a laugh wouldn't hurt me, please feel free to tell the joke =P

Answer 1

whats the only bee that produces milk?

a boobieeee!!!

haha

Answer 2

My homework ate my dog!

Bob and Rob turned in their quizzes at the same time. When they got their quizzes back ,they both got 14 out of 15 answers right. Their teacher talked to them afterward.

Teacher: You both missed number 15, but Bob is going to pass the quiz, Rob will have to stay behind.

Rob: But if we both missed the same question, why are you passing him?

Teacher: Because he answered the question "I don't know" and you answered it "Neither do I."

Craig: I don't think my teacher likes me.

Jimmy: Why do you say that?

Craig: During fire drills he tells me to stay seated.

Teacher: Luke, were you copying the answer from your neighbour's paper?

Luke: No, just checking if she had mine right.

Zachary dawdled on his way to school. "Hurry up!"said his mum. "You'll be late!"

"What's the rush?" Zachary asked. "They're open 'till 3:30."

Teacher: I was very pleased  to give you an 85 on the test.

Student: Why don't you give me 100 and really enjoy yourself?

Bobby: I can't figure out this math problem.

Teacher: Really? Any 5 year old should get it.

Bobby: No wonder---- I'm nine.

I didnt get socorro 43's joke...

Answer 3

SANTA CLAUS:  An Engineer's Perspective                                      

                                                                              

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in         the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

                                                                              

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the        different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels       east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per        second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good          child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining      presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.  Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.                                                      



The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more that 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship not the Monarch).

                                                                              

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air       resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a       spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer      would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In             short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in 0.001 seconds, would be subject to centrifugal forces or 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.                                

                                                                              

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.        

Answer 4

There's a guy in a class that's straight

A teacher comes to teach about g*y issues.

And as he's saying "it's okay...to be g*y..."

He smiles and winks at one of them.

But the guy isn't g*y!

Answer 5

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there

is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in f***s. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of p**p. (that's over 2 pounds).

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine, beer, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = p**p

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

Answer 6

Hey, first of all : Don't worry. Hope this will make you smile!!!!!!! Have a nice weekend!

-------------

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a ****** is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a ****** is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a ****** is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Answer 7

What's the difference between a sl*t and a bi*ch?

A sl*t sleeps with everyone.

A bi*ch sleeps with everyone but you.

Answer 8

A professor gives an assignment to the philosophy class students to prove or disprove the existence of the chair in front of the classroom.Everyone is writing furiously, except one.He wrote a fast note and put down his pen.Curious the professor went to look on this young mans paper and saw he had written, "What chair?"

Answer 9

      Walmart refund joke

An old lady went to the service counter to get a refund for a toaster she bought that didn't work The clerk said he couldn't give a refund because it was on clearance. At that, the woman threw her arms in the air and started yelling ,"kiss me you fool, kiss me". The befuddled clerk asked her why she was acting that way.

By the time, most of the store's customers were seeing what the commotion was all about. She explained to the clerk that every since she was a young woman, she liked to be kissed before she got screwed. At that point, the store manager over heard the old lady   and  laughing her as* off , she handed the old lady her refund.

Answer 10

One cucumber was telling another "My life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad."

The other cucumber said "Yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me."

A p***s was listening to this conversation and chimes in, "My life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups 'til I puke."  

Answer 11

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Answer 12

boom shaka laka laka freke freke fresh bam jam halabalougha meany bubeiney

Answer 13

An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory - Dirty Room

Desperation - A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code - Here Come Dots

Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity - Is No Amity

Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness - Genuine Class

Semolina - Is No Meal

A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes - That q***r Shake

Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one

Contradiction - Accord not in it

The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet

Astronomer - Moon Starer

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!