What is the funniest joke you have ever heard in your whole life?

Question

Just figured I should have a question that is an easy 2 points to answer... and funny for future "readers" to read :)

plus its a nice break from my "beauty questions" lol :)

Answer 1

how do you turn a dishwasher into a sno blower?

give the ***** a shovel

hehe

Answer 2

why did the chicken cross the road?????? to get to the other side. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

jk

Answer 3

ok i thought this was hilarious last nite.i drove past a sign and it said" no parking or standing all violators will be towed".im like wat r u gonna tow ppl away.maybe thats their intent to get a ride.lol

Answer 4

A newly married girl got 1st class in her B Ed exams.

Her hubby sent a telegram 2 her parents--- Ruby 1st class in Bed

Answer 5

Joke Teller: Ichme and Pinchme were riding a bike

                  Ichme fell off

                 Who was left?

Answerer: Ahhhh Pinchme???

Then you pinch super hard!! yuk yuk yuk yuk

Answer 6

Ladies you might not like this but guys will think its the funniest thing ever:

Ask me if i bought my wife a watch for x-mas?

No, ask me why?

Because there is a clock on the stove in the kitchen!!!!

hahahhhaaha oh come on dont be mad im married and my wife doesnt hate me for it.............hahahahhhahha enjoy!!!

Answer 7

Never tell a lie!

Answer 8

A sick patient who was sound a sleep being woke up by a nurse because its time for him to take his sleeping pill.

Answer 9

  The wedding cake

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.”

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake?”

Answer 10

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so.

"

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out.

"

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.

"

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so.

"

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this.

"

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.

"

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

Answer 11

This one's true:

There was a 6 year old boy and he was being abused by his parents. They went to court to grant his grandparents custody of him when it turned out that his grandparents abuse him too. So with no other option available at the time other than foster care the judge asked the boy, "Who do you want to live with?", In which the boy answered "The Miami Dolphins." The whole courtroom erupted in laughter at his answer. The judge then asks him "Why do you want to live with the Miami Dolphins for?" His answer: (His exact words) "Because they don't beat nobody"

Ain't that hilarious and just plain adorable? I know all the Fl natives got that one.

Answer 12

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a d**n?

Answer 13

Okay, so there are three nuns going up to heaven. They see the big golden gates and a little angel is standing in front. The angel sayz "You can do whateva you want in gods kingdom, but the one thing you CANT do, is step on a duck"  

The nuns think "How hard is it to not step on a duck?"

So the big golden gates open, gods kingdom is waiting for them. Everthing is covered with ducks. One nun says "How are we supposed to get in without stepping on a quacker?"

The other nun says "Dont know, dont know"

The bravest of the nuns steps forward, takes one step, and shes on a duck. All of a sudden a huge, hairy, fat, DISGUSTING man gets handcuffed to her. The little angel from the golden gates appear and he says

"I thought I told you not to step on a duck! Well, now your with him for all of eternity!"

The next nun takes three steps, and is on a duck. An even bigger, hairier, fatter, and MORE DISGUSTING man gets handcuffed to her.

The little angel appears and says

"You have to be with him for all of eternity, either that or h**l. I thought I told you the only rule was to not step on a duck!"

The last nun goes the entire day and doesnt step on a duck. Shes about to get into bed when a muscular, tall, HOT guy appears and gets handcuffed to her. The little angel appears and the nun says to him "What did I do to deserve this?" The hot guy that is handcuffed to her says, i dont know, but i stepped on a duck.

HA