What is the funniest joke you have heard?

Question

10 points to whoever makes me laugh the hardest!

I'm really bored!

Answer 1

I was eating an orange the other day and a friend said, "Did you know nothing rhymes with 'orange?' " So, I threw the orange at his head and said, "Now your face is swollen red 'cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with 'orange,' you jackass?"  

Answer 2

what are 2 g*y guys in a sleeping bag together called??...............................a fruit roll up

Answer 3

Life or Death Issue

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing

parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.

“You gotta help me find my parrot!” she said.

The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that,

ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”

But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be

concerned.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœThe parrot should fly back in a few days.” he said.

Full of desperation, the lady cried, “But you don’t understand!

The only thing he says is ‘Here, kitty, kitty!!!’”

Answer 4

two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says

does this taste funny to you

Answer 5

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Answer 6

there was a blond a red head and a brown head... they were on a building and it was on fire which one went down fist??? the blond she jumped..instead of using a safe things to get you to the ground like an air bag or something.. i for got wat it was called

Answer 7

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Answer 8

what about a blonde  joke (no affence to blondes)

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

3 construction guys were working on a skyscraper, up on the 40th floor.

At lunch, the bald guy said "Every day my wife packs me a tuna sandwich. If there's tuna again today, I'm gonna jump off this building!". He checks it & sure enough it's tuna again so old baldy jumps.

The redhead then says "Every day I get a cheese sandwich for lunch from my wife. If it's cheese again today then I'm jumping off here, too!". Sure enough, it's cheese so the redheaded guy jumps off.

Then the blond guy says "I always get a jelly sandwich. If it's jelly again then I'm jumping, too!". He checks & it's jelly so he jumps.

At the memorial service for the 3 guys, their wives are talking about this.

Both the bald guy's wife & the redhead's wife said the same thing, "I don't understand why my husband jumped. If I had know he wanted something else to eat for lunch, I'd have gave it to him.".

Then the blond man's wife says " I don't understand why my husband jumped. He always made his own lunch.".

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked

The police woman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finially found a square mirror in her purse , looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. "Here it is " she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

A blonde went to electronics store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell “Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days . . . . . and on the box it said 4-7 years"

Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two blonds are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hum, this person looks familiar." The second blond says, "Here let me see." So the first blond hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy it's me."

A blonde, brunette and redhead stranded on a deserted island. They look for hours for a ship coming by, and finally one does. The brunette decides to swim out, gets tired a little bit out and drowns. The redhead swims out next, gets furthur, but then gets tired and drowns. The blonde swims halfway, gets tired, and swims back to the island

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

A blonde goes to a library and walks up to the man at the front desk. "Hi," she says,"I'd like a burger fries and a coke." The man looks at her," Ma'am, this is a library." "Oh, sorry," she answers, *whispering* "I'd like a burger fries and a coke."

A blonde walks angrily to the front desk in the library, and says “This book is boring, it has no plot, and too many characters.”

The libraian said “Oh, so you‘re the one who took our phone book…..”

One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."

The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."

"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.

"You're on!!" says the brunette.

After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."

The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."

The Great Blonde Kidnap

A blonde was in urgent need of cash. In order to raise some money, she decided the only way was to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “I have kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $100,000 in a paper bag and put it under the tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $100,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began slipping and breaking. The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope, since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me. There are also many more of you..." and she made a big speech about how special they were. At the end, all of the blondes started clapping.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,

and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Three women, a blond, brunette, and a redhead were robbing a 711 at night when the police arrived. They ran next door to a farm. The brunette hid under a wagon, the redhead hid in a cabinet, and the blond hid in a pile of hay. The policeman kicked the wagon, and the brunette said “Woof woof”. The policeman thought it was just a dog. When the policeman kicked the cabinet, the redhead said “Meow meow,” and the policeman thought it was just a cat. Then the policeman kicked the pile of hay. Not wanting to get caught, the blond said “Potato potato!”.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.

"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."

This blonde, brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says "meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "who's out there? The brunette says "meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP. "Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came

out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked

inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came

out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it

shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She

marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.

"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, uttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

----------- THANKS moonclangirl65

Answer 9

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:

-

-

-

-

You Got Male!"  

Answer 10

I'm sorry, this isn't an answer, I just wanted to say all of those blonde jokes ROCKED!!!

Answer 11

This is the only one i remember that made me laugh tilll i fell of my chair (literly!) Ok so like Corbin  bleu (the guy with the big afro!) Was like sitting down on a bench, and then like a little kid came and said, 'hey can i borrow some of your hair?' and corbin said, well sure y do u like it? and he said no, i need it for a science project!!!!!!!!!