What is the funniest quote ever!!!?

Question

Can you beat this quote: I'm going to get out of my wet clothes and into a dry martini...

Answer 1

never heard of your quote but I always liked "are you stalking me..?? Cause that would be great!"

Answer 2

Steve Smith from Amarican Dad  "I'm getting tired of this o****m"

Seth from Superbad  "She wants my d**k in and around her mouth"

Answer 3

"im going to turn this team around a full 360 degrees"

Answer 4

Sir Winston Churchill, in answer to the remark from Lady Violet Bonham Carter, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd kill you!"

"Madam, if I were your husband,I'd let you!"

Answer 5

a quote by Steven Tyler of Aerosmith said " I love every bone in a womans body......including mine."

Answer 6

"Discretion is the better part of Valour"_ Sir John Falstaff justifying his running away from the battelfield to the prince, in Shakespeare's Henry the IV

Answer 7

"They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time"

Answer 8

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

Answer 9

'Every human being begins life as selfish and ends as selfish'.

Answer 10

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the h**l she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

Answer 11

'I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous.' lol.

Answer 12

Winston Churchill, when an unattractive lady told him that he was drunken: "Yes I am ma'am, and you are ugly. And tomorrow morning I shall wake up sober, but you will still be ugly."

(slightly paraphrased maybe)

Answer 13

W.C. Fields epitaph:

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.