What is the magic ingredient in those marriages where the couple still enjoy each other after many years?

Question

I don't want hubby and I to end up like those that just stay together because divorce is too messy/hard. Nor do I want to be like those who love one another buy make no effort. So I make a real effort and ask him to as well. And we get better. But what is it that couples who are still happy after 20+ years have?

PS - another (kind of separate) question - if a guy who is happy enough with his gf (later wife) cheats prior to their marriage as they had a child and had been together for ages and he wanted a bit of fun/variety - what does this mean for the long term relationship? (don't worry - its not my hubby)!

Answer 1

all the typical traits like openness,sharing and responsibilities are key,but at different levels at different times of your life. if your partner recognizes that you wont be behaving like a lovesick 17 year old when your 45, it makes it easier. as you get older your love should evolve with your mental, spiritual and physical growth.

my wife and i decided 2 years ago that we didn't want to end up in brother/sister type relationship at this stage in our life so we explored ways to become adventurous lovers. now that the kids are on their own we took our relationship to another level. best decision we made.

Answer 2

Friendship and emotional support and non judge,entail; attitude. No name calling., Therapy if necessary. No substance abuses of any type, from alcohol to pot and hard drugs. No rages, no hitting, no domineering. Daily lacing into why you Love the other.

As far a sch eating, it is a personal reaction. Some would say that it was long long ago and no pt part of their lives. Some would go back to the incident 236 years ago and do hurtful tectonics to the others, figuring it was just the one time they were acuity and thee has to be more.

Answer 3

Call it magic or chemistry or anything you want, but the true secret is communication and not going to be angry. Everything can be worked out, sometimes it just takes more effort than some are willing to do. It takes work, some people are just lazy. Hope that works for you. All my best.

Answer 4

open honest communication

Answer 5

Respect for each other.  Not waiting for the other to give.  Each has to give 100%.

Answer 6

The real secret is that you must be friends.  You must like each other and that is not the same thing as loving and being in love with each other. Passion cools and the everyday can magnify little annoyances until they add up but if you are friends with each other you can better survive things that would break others apart.  You get mad at your friends all the time but it rarely means much.  You also can tell your friend the true truth and take the same from them.  You must be that way with a spouse, they must be your buddy. and you can have a great time even when the body is less willing and able than it once was

  Have real interests in common and similar ideals and opinions is a big help.  A desire to avoid that dull dead marriage that is shared by each partner will go a long long way to making sure that it does not happen.

  Remember it really is all about the little things,  cap the toothpaste, leave love notes in unusual places, call during the day or when you will be later than expected, stuff like that so pay attention, but pulling out that show stopping surprise a little bit more than now and again will help keep that spark alive.

Answer 7

1.  respect for the vows you took together.  

2.  respect and trust for each other

3.  communication

4.  willingness of both parties to do what they have to do to keep the relationship fresh.

5.  Love and affection for one another.  (why did I put this last?  Because love waxes and wanes over the years and if you have the first 4 items then you can reignite love when it's faded.  Just because you don't feel love for each other doesn't mean it can't be renewed.  I don't believe in getting married if you don't love each other but as long as no one has done something horrible to the other to kill the love then the love can come back)

to your PS:

it means when he decides he wants some "fun and variety" that he'll cheat again rather than turn to his partner to spice things up.

Answer 8

He likes me to take charge in the relationship.  I am a bossy wife and he loves it.  We have adult children from other marriages and are middle aged newlyweds of almost 9 years.  He has a high powered job as an attorney and he loves it when he comes home and is relieved when I take control at home.  Everyone is different, but it is all about compatibility and love.  We have respect for our kids and families.  It helps that I get along with his ex wife too.  

Answer 9

understanding that it isn't always easy, working at making things work. taking the bad with the good, and remembering that it isn't a "me" vs "them" thing - it's a "us" thing...

PS

once a cheater, always a cheater (like "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"), but maybe with help, could be a cheater but not do any cheating (like an AA member)...    

Answer 10

dumb luck.

other than that of course it's compatability. understanding and acceptance are keys to compatibility.  one might say, "I hate it when he drinks out of the milk carton I want to kill him," Another might say, "Oh he's so cute how he drinks out of the milk carton." Just a crude example.

i asked a couple who had been married 50 years what their secret for not falling out of love, and Joe, the hubby said, "We fell out of love many times, just not at the same time, so we always had the other one to pull us through."

Answer 11

The magic ingredients are love, honesty, open minded disagreements and plenty of trust and appreciation for each others differences. You have to know that not every day is going to be a "magical" one, but if you accept each others faults and wavers as an adventure or a stepping stone on the road to forever, you should be fine. Just don't take each other for granted and listen, listen, listen. Communication is actually the most important factor to making a marriage work and last!

Answer 12

Laughter is the magic ingredient.