What is the point any more?

Question

I have wanted to die for years, a few sad attempts but they didn't work. I don't have anything left in life, no family, my son is in prison but its like I'm doing the sentence with him.

I have nothing to show for 40 years in this h**l we call earth. I found out when i was 23 that my dad didn't want children, I was a mistake. Don't get me wrong I was spoilt by my dad when i was younger, he died when i was 13. I was a total ***** to my mum, i get pregnant at 15 but i was not allowed to keep the baby, so he was adopted at 6 weeks old. By the time i was 16, i was drinking taking drugs and not caring what i did. Got pregnant again this time i terminated it. I thought that the only way for someone to like me was to have s*x with them so that's when i started to sleep around and i didn't always use protection. I met someone at a xmas party, we liked each other and started to see each other. Fell pregnant again and had a Little boy. 10 years of mental & physical abuse by that man and knowing my son was ADHD just made things worse. I was told that I'm fat, useless ugly, his beat one was " tub of lard ",i didn't have any asteam left. I found out he was seeing someone else. I kicked him out, she was welcome to him. I was now left with a son who hated me coz his abusive dad had gone. I ended up getting evited from my home and ended up in a hostel sharing a bathroon with 35 others. I took an OD in front of my son, i really didnt want to be in that situation. My son went into care, i was left to my own devices. lived in a car for a while, got back on my feet once again. Rented a flat got a job, the only thing missing was someone to love me. Found the internet. i started meeting people for s*x, i thought that they would love me, i was just an unpaid w***e. If i had one wish, it would be that i was never born. I have given up with life, i really want to die coz that will be the end to my living h**l. I dont believe in god or any of that, so dont ask me to pray coz it dont help, it never helps. I am trying ti kill myself slowly now, i dont want some s***w with a smerk on his face having to tell my son im dead. So here i am i take enough sleeping pills to make me drowsy but not enough to kill me out right, slowly killing me from the inside out. I wasnt ment to be here in the first place so i dont see it as a loss.life is **** and i seem to be covered head to toe in it.

Answer 1

Please don't do this to your self,  you need help I no go see your GP as soon as you can and tell him how you feel there's lots of help out there but you need to make the first move. Thinking  of you x

Answer 2

It sounds like you have had so many bad things happen to you in your life and I can't even imagine how awful you must be feeling. But please please please do not give up. There is always a way. Ring the Samaritans if you are in the uk - 08457 90 90 90... If not, another organisation who can help you. You are not alone. Join a group with other people feeling the same way as you...

P.S. I read a novel called 'Tully' by Paullina Simons a couple of years ago and I can still remember the effect it had on me now. The protagonist is inspirational... I am aware you might think I am stupid recommending a book to you but give it a try. You can turn your life around...

Answer 3

I felt the same until i had my daughter. quite frankly if the thought of you're own child being told "mummy killed herself" doesn't help you nothing will. and trust it'll live on their shoulders for the rest of their lives. constantly thinking "what did I do?, why did she hate ME?" constantly wondering "what could I have done to help?"

Answer 4

get out of bed and go bungee jumping. just before you drop, imagine that you are about to commit suicide by falling(where ever the location is). think about alllll of the negative things you mentioned up top ^(just seconds before you drop), and then when you decide to fall, let go of everything, and become free. like letting go of a balloon.. release, detach, forget. and when you're back on solid ground, become the person you have always wanted to be..in the most positive way.

Answer 5

i have been on heroin for 6 yrrs im 22 and i feel like il never got off it its so hard i am pissd of because i dont want to *** off it not because i do, life can be a good place if you  let it be trust me i feel for you but u arent ugly arent fat  arent useless i get told it everyday by my lad and im just waitin on the day i have the nerve to leave (hes sitting over on the other couch ryte now on his pc , and im writing bout him lol

really u have to look inside you are a person in this world u are meant to be here  

Answer 6

You need to see your doctor and get some anti depressants as clearly you are suffering. They will take a while to kick in so persevere. Also They may arrange counselling for you.

While you keep thinking about the past you will feel bad but you cant change the past so start living for the future.Everytime you start thinking negative thoughts stop - literally tell yourself 'I know this stuff , i don't need to go over it again'. You will gradually train yourself to think differently.

s*x does not = love. Respect yourself, don't have s*x with just anyone.Make a pact that you will only give yourself to someone who respects and deserves you.

Exercise - i know thats the last thing you want to do but it releases natural endorphins and eventually you will start to feel better especially if you atop taking sleeping pills and start eating a good diet.

Depression is the worst thing, i know but you have to fight it and slowly you'll get better x  

Answer 7

My God. I feel so sorry for you, but I am also inspired by your story somehow. If I had one wish right now, it would be that you wouldn't keep harming yourself and attempting suicide. When your son returns home, he needs his mother just like you need your son. Your story is endearing and the type of thing I see on those ridiculous talk-shows. I know that getting several answers from people on Yahoo! Answers will hardly help at all but I will begin by saying that, contrary to what you have been forced to believe by that hideous man, you are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and don't you dare let anybody ever tell you anything that contradicts what I just said because if I can believe it, you can believe it too *hug* Your past has been so terrible that it's almost beyond repair but you can make it better. I almost cheered out loud when you said that you got a flat and got a job! All you need now is someone to listen to you and understand you - whether it's a man or a woman. I think you need all the family and support you could possibly get - do you have any close friends or family members nearby who can help you through this? If not, I will help you through this. Life has treated you unfairly but you are letting life win the fight if you continue to harm yourself because that is exactly what life wants you to do. Please, please, please don't! I don't have any advice because I'm not skilled enough or specially trained or a professional - I'm just a suicidal teenager who likes to help others but I don't feel as though I'm helping right now. I think that you need to find sanctuary and need to feel that wonderful sense of belonging. You should definitely try to find a partner who loves you more than anything - someone who will support, respect, care for, love, honour and please you. I can't say things like "I know what you're going through" and "I know how you feel" because I have no idea how you feel. I just know that you are a wonderful person and you are strong enough to stare life in the face and say, "How dare you treat me this way. I can't believe I've let you do this to me. I can't believe you've let me think this way. You know what? Stuff you. I've just won the fight and succeeded in the test you've just thrown me in." Your son needs you - contact him if you can and just... talk. Talk and talk and talk about how you feel, tell him about your past, tell him everything. I can only wish you the best of luck with your life. Don't let life win, girl.

Answer 8

Don't give up. Seek some help maybe? You've endured a lot in your life and i would never wish your experience on anyone. But just remember, you've made it this far. Make a change, get out meet nice people. Learn to believe in yourself and the rest will follow. And never forget, your beautiful, inside and out. x

Answer 9

Oh my goodness thats awfuly sad, but selfish too. What about your son, who has he got to turn too. When he hears of your death he will live with that rejection for ever. His Mum didn't care enough to live for him. Try to stop turning in on youself, look outside lots of people out there who care, get a job, mix with normal people, get something for your depression. One day you will most probably be a Grandma, please look forward not back.

Good Luck and lots of love xxxxxx

Answer 10

you have had a horrific time and you feel that there is no way out trust me i empathize with your situation as i have experienced similar things in my life.   i have tried suicide so Many times that it was a nurse that told me when i was in a phyc ward after another failed attempt you mane it i have tried it she told me "Pauline through working with families that have committed suicide they feel was it me was i not worthy of my mum why did she not want to live for me" her words rang true and i am slowly beginning to build a life for my family you can do it to its bloody hard show all them who have doughted you in your life and treated you like c**p, that you are better than that and YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTENT than theres will ever be.  ITS NOT YOUR TIME so that person that will not have a smerk on his face having to telling you your dead.  you tell your son mum was not well for a while but I'm better know. but first you have to get through this h**l your in see your g.p or a psychiatrist c.p.n who ever it takes to get better you can do this be strong take the help your offered andslowlyy you will come out the other side i wish you well my friend take care

Answer 11

If u did die dnt u think your son as gone and going through enough with being in prison.

I mean the only person that is making things bad is you, which im hoping u have relised,try new things in life.

All you need is some guildence, and to be able to talk things out about your life. i would advice you to go to your local doctor and get some help, before you do something that you may regret.

Answer 12

you could always try and phone the samaritans who will listen to you, and try to help you, if you will let them help you there isalways something or someone out there who will be there for you, never give up  good luck  

Answer 13

Plenty, you just need to get back on your feet and learn to love yourself.  The past is the past, everyone can start afresh.  Talk to your doctor and start from there, life is what you make it.