What is the point then of reuniting if it causes so much pain?

Question

Wouldn't it be better to leave well enough alone if knowing your mother causes you so much pain? You said yourself that you cannot regain your lost years so why do you try? Why not focus on your present blessings?

Answer 1

if for anything becuase she is your mother!!!! life is not perfect and mothers arent perfect! i have always felt my mom doesnt give a c**p about me till i learned she was abused by both her parents physical and emotionaly so i am sure it is hard for her to be sweet and sensitve all the the things moms should be but none the less she is my mom and she is not going to be around forever and i want to look back with no regrets :)

Answer 2

Getting to know my mother is a nice thing and definitely something I appreciate a LOT. But learning what I don't know about her and what I may never know is what causes me pain.

I don't try to regain the lost years. I try to regain a relationship which is distorted BY the lost years.

You can't have reunion without some sort of pain or grief.

Answer 3

I think I missed the beginning of this thread because there seems to be a discussion already in progress.  I wonder why you have asked this and what pain you have dealt with.

I started to go on but realized that really I should post a question rather than rant on an answer and will close with this.

I have been reunited with my child after 21 years and the amount of pain I have still stored up is daunting.  

I don't know if reuniting has to contain pain, but I think (hope) reuniting is about healing old pain.  

To be honest, it also creates new pain and it is up to the two people or three involved, to decide if there is a gain.

You cannot regain the lost years and I am starting to think, you can never lose the images that haunted you, at least I can't.  I always wanted my child and it is a lash against my heart to hear him call someone else Mom.  I would never say anything but it hurts so much I could vomit.

My goal now is to validate my child and confirm that he was always loved, because I think an adoptee always wonders how a mother did it.  I don't know if that ever goes away or if he will ever fully trust me, but from reading this and the blogs on the adultadoptee site, this somewhat dissatisfying and unusual relationship, is preferred to no relationship at all. (a horrible generalization I know)

Adoptees be kind in the questions you ask your birth mother and father, for the longing you had to find them and to know the truth, is nothing compared to ours.  Tread gently as the sorrow is never far from the surface, but be brave enough to go through it together.

It might be the only way you learn to trust us, and we learn to forgive ourselves, and acknowledge each others pain from being separated with the hope of moving past it to joy.

Blessings to all of us.

Answer 4

Well, each situation is completely unique. But as a woman who gave her own child up for adoption at the age of 18- and I was also adopted as a newborn- for me, my personal journey has been one of complete gratitude for what my birthmom did for me. Whether she shows it or ever let anyone know- she made the decision because she love you. She wanted to give her child every opportunity. Usually people think their biological parents give them up because they didn't want them- it is truly because of the exact opposite. I got pregnant due to rape. I knew from the very beginning, at a young age I could not offer my child every opporunity that was so graciously given to me. Because of my birthmothers one courageous choice- I could find the strength to give my child life and give her the family she deserved. I am 25 now, and have always seek info on my biological family. Who knows, they may never want to meet me. And I am ok with that. For someone I do not know, I can identify with on an emotional basis because of her one choice. For me, I would just love to express to her my complete thankfulness and that she should not regret the choice she made. You can never regain those lost years- and may never be able to. I had to realize that my identity was not in my birthfamily. Life causes pain no matter who you are or what life throws out at you. There is no garauntee in life- even biological families all have issues. It is a matter of how you learn to deal with life and make better choices that you feel are best for you. I know my blessings are past, present and future. I am here- because of her and God. I am blessed all around- and I would love to just let her know that. When  you leave well enough alone, it is like ignoring the truth. It is ok to search, to cry, to grieve the past. It is ok to move on and find closure. Everybody has to make those decisions that they think are best for them. Even if my birthmom was a junkie- I would still want her to know I am so thankful for the life she gave me, for giving me up, and that I honor her for strength and to never ever regret her choice.

Answer 5

I believe for the next generation of IA adoptee's it will be because of how really unethical and screwed up adoption has become. Would you want to know that your were kidnapped from your mother that loved you and didn't consent to an adoption. I would and would despise anyone that turned a blind eye to the respectable organizations that advised my a-parents(co-kidnappers) against it.

Answer 6

Not everyone has "present blessings" just because they've been adopted.  There is a part of you missing, out there in the world, and it can really hurt someone just knowing this.  Until you have been in a situation, you really can't judge the wants and wishes of others.

Answer 7

Believe it or not adoptees grow up and when we're all grown up we can decide for ourselves what is "in the best interests of the (perpetual!) Child" LOL

We are able to do this without interference or impediment from people with narrow-minded censorious attitudes such as yours.

Thanks for asking.

Answer 8

Reunion is a "present blessing" for me.  Knowing my first family has brought a mixture of emotions, as do most relationships that have any meaning and value to a person.  My first family and I do not attempt to regain lost years, although we've had to grieve that loss.  We enjoy the present relationships we share and look forward to the future we have together in spite of the loss.

Clearly you lack the insight to understand these issues.  On the other hand, perhaps you're simply trying to stir the pot.  

Answer 9

yeah why should we. Who wants to know their ancestry, their people, see a reflection of themselves in people they come from, who would ever want to know their siblings, who would want medical information, who cares if they or their children or childrens children come up with some type of disease that could have been treated with the knowledge of who and where they come from.

Yes, just walk through life, thanking the higher powers for being alive and not being in a dumpster or aborted I supposed would be better for those in the original posters mindset.

My mother and I have the same laugh, the same smile, the same mannerisms, same eyes, same lips, and we even walk the same. My father and I have the same color eyes, same jaw line, same jaw structure and same nose. We also act the same in numerous different ways.

My sister, likes the same music, is an artists like me and my 4 uncles. My cousin and I have many of the same hobbies. Genetic validation was HUGE for my self confidence, i became a new person after finding it. I became me. A me, i knew was there, but never had the courage to show because it wasn't like anyone else I knew at the time.

Reunion hurts, but healing hurts. Sometimes working through the trauma and the aftermath of trauma HURTS, but on the other side of that pain, is a joy, a confidence and a self assurance that is undescribeable. Its what those who know their people already have and take for granted in most cases. Genetic mirroring is huge, and was huge for me.

Thank you God for not letting my mother abort me. I feel so grateful to be alive. roflol ( insert sarcastic smilely here )

Answer 10

so if someone has the possible outcome of being painful then we shouldn't do it?

i think that you are a bystander to a reunion, maybe the spouse or good friend to an adoptee who has had a bad reunion? if i'm wrong then i apologise.

being adopted leaves you with a million questions that could never be answered without being in contact with your birth family.

and in my opinion the risk of being hurt is far outweighed by the knowledge and closure which would be gained, from a bad reunion, as much as a good one.

Answer 11

Not all of us are concerned with a futile attempt to "regain" lost years.

I, for one, want reunion with my siblings.

I do not resent my mother for her difficult decision; she made it and she probably suffered greatly for it.

BUT

I miss my siblings.

I want my siblings in my life.

You don't know if something will cause pain until you try it.

cw

Answer 12

You don't know if it will or won't cause you pain till you do it.  It is a risk you take.  I suspect most reunification are at the very least cordial and provide some sort of answers and closure.

Answer 13

Have you ever heard the expression:

"No Pain, No Gain."

(BTW-what is YOUR point?)

Answer 14

REALLY WHAT IS YOUR POINT?! It is not for you to decide if people feel one way or the other. Just b/c you are aganist adoptees who are in reuniting w/ their bio-families does not give u the right to judge those who are in reunion. WE can't regain the years that we missed, yet we can have time with the present years. that is what we choose to do. i'm happy that i have two families and when i get married i will have three families to love. I

Answer 15

I'm guessing:

Closure!

Knowing the other side of the "truth".

Self-identity.

Answer 16

This is a very ignorant question.

Focus on your present blessings.

We're not trying to 'regain all those lost years' by reuniting... we're trying to find out all sorts of information key to identity that everybody else takes for granted.  I'm assuming you're either an AP, PAP, non-adoptee, or heavily in 'the fog.'

Because the pain of knowing my mother pales in comparison to the pain of all of those years of NOT knowing.  Because I wanted to know where I came from.  Because I was sick of all of those times when my friends got into conversations about their ethnic backgrounds.  Because I'm 5'9 and overweight and my entire family is short (even the guys are 5'8 or shorter) and skinny as h**l.  (The heaviest is my father who weights a grand total of 170 pounds)  Because I want to know where my eyes came from, my nose, my lips, my teeth.  Because I want to know my half brother.  Because I want to hear family stories about MY background.  Because I want to know what diseases I'm at risk for.  Because I want someone who 'gets' me... my personality, my quirkiness, my mannerisms.  All of which I DON'T share with my adoptive family but I DO share with my first mom... and I was adopted as an infant, so explain THAT one.

If you're not an adoptee you can't understand. Plain and simple.  Because you don't KNOW what it's like to grow up without these things.  They seem unimportant to you if you're not adopted because you were entitled to it by simply being born.  Adoptees aren't... it's something you don't notice when you grow up with it but miss sorely if you don't.

Answer 17

Because it's a huge hole in your life that needs to be given closure.

It's about  looking like someone, finding your hands, nose, eyes, body style. Things your susceptible to.

It's about why your so good at art or science, why you love radishes when the rest of your family doesn't.

It's having something in common with some one else for the first time in your life. It answers so many questions and gives closure to them.

It allows you to find out who you are. Thats difficult if you don't know where you came from. It doesn't mean that you can't be your own person. It means that you finally have somethings in common with others that make up who you are.

It's the other half of who you are.

My daughter and I are not making up for lost time. But we are entitled to the time we have left.

It's like finally being home for a lot of adoptees. It puts to rest lots of uneasyness. It makes things make sense.

You just got the same answer from 4 different people does that help to explain it ? There are  reasons you obviously have not thought about. I hope this helps to explain.

Answer 18

Oh, I don't know--growing up and being an adult?

Most things worth having or doing cause "pain".

Answer 19

You are right that "lost years" can't be regained. Yet, have you considered the possibility that one of the present blessings could be the reunion itself? No, it's not an easy process. and just like any other sort of interpersonal relationship there is the risk for pain, confusion, misundersandings and yes, a sense of anger and loss.. but for many people, reunion has been a rewarding experience...or at least has provided some answers or closure if that's what is sought.

Both birth parent and adult child are best to keep things primarily in the present and build from there rather than hiding from or ruminating on and getting stuck the past which can't be changed. At least, that is how I plan to be in reunion with my son. It's a journey I eagerly look forward to, and I pray it will lead to healing and a happy long term relatonship for me, my son, his sister and his adoptive mother. It's another blending of "family" that does have risks for pain, but opportunities for joy and growth, too.  That's how I'm seeing it anyway.

Also, I can't help but notice that you tend to single out the birth mother vs the birth father for your judgment. Did it ever occur to you that she may be feeling as much pain and loss and uncertainty as the child she placed, and that the last thing she needs is the kind of guilt trip that a question like this produces?

Answer 20

As hard or painful as it may be, revisiting the past is often the only way to move forward.  Reunion helps everyone involved in adoption to heal old wounds and grow emotionally and spiritually.