What is the proper thing to do regarding shower/wedding gifts we sent *last year*?

Question

My husband's niece got married last year, and we were unable to attend the wedding (and I was not able to attend the bridal shower) due to the distance and some personal issues we were having.

However, I made certain to send a check a week before the bridal shower, and another check a week before the wedding -- sending both to her parents' home, where she was living at the time.

We *never* received a thank you, but I did notice that the checks were both cashed within a week of being mailed.

Yesterday, my mother-in-law told me that my sister-in-law is still fuming over our not even sending his niece so much as a card! I told her that we *did* send a card for the shower *and* wedding, along with two very generous checks (shower: $500, wedding: $1000) that *were* cashed.

My mother-in-law said that I need to go to the bank and get copies of the endorsed checks (she said they should be on file) to give my sister-in-law as "proof" that we did send the checks, and so she can see who indeed cashed them.

I think that my husband's niece and/or her husband should just be asked if they received them, and if they were the ones who cashed the checks. I don't think I should be expected to go to the bank and ask for the 'evidence' -- I feel our part was done when we gave the gifts! Now they want us to 'prove' that we gave the checks??

We never received a thank you, which I thought was rude, but I didn't think anything of it since to be honest, DH's family is never good with sending out thank you notes.

What should we do? Get 'proof' that we gave the checks, and that they were cashed to send to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law?

I am rather insulted that they are asking for 'proof' that we sent the checks -- and it does make both dh and myself think twice about giving a sizeable gift to hs family again.

So, what is the proper course of action here?

Answer 1

I would get copies of the checks as proof...and would ask "What did our $ gift become?"  did you purchase a bedroom set or what was done with the $....

since they are asking, I would ask right back...

and the baby gift...a card with a notation of "here is XX$ for the baby" and forget to include it....

where come from we inform the $ giver of what heir $ was used for...

my daughter gave me $ for christmas and I purchased flannel sheets with it and thanked her for the fannel sheets....

Answer 2

Just ask the niece calmly if she or her husband cashed the checks and explain that your bank statement show the checks were cashed a year ago, and if she thinks they were stolen and cashed by someone else, you'll be glad to obtain proof so you can both prosecute together.  

That gives you both an "out."

Answer 3

I personally hate the he said, she said conversations.  I would call and be very nice.    Chit chat a bit and then say there seems to be a misunderstanding regarding your shower and wedding gift.    Explain what you did and get her response.    Apologize for the misunderstanding and either you will be done with conversation or send copies of the cancelled checks.   The best thing you can do is be the better person.  Once everything is ironed out, keep your distance.   Sorry you had to go through this.  Good Luck!

Answer 4

Who knows if someone else cashed the checks without them knowing. I would double check on the evidence just in case. It is quite rude of their  behavior. Like the poster said above, show it to them and keep your distance from future problems.  

Answer 5

You should get proof that you sent the checks since they don't believe you.

You were not obligated to send anything, but you should find out who cashed the checks incase someone else stole them or at least to prove you aren't lying.

Answer 6

Since she is so insistent that they did not receive the checks, you should get copies from the bank. Often times, checks are lost/stolen in all the festivities so it is possible that someone else cashed them. For your own peace of mind, be sure and check the endorsement.

If the endorsement belongs to the bride or groom, then you can ask your MIL for an apology for assuming the worst of you and you can ask when the bride and groom will be sending you a proper thank you in addition to their apology for being so tardy in their thanks.

And... when the invitations comes for baby showers, housewarmings, etc, remember this incident. It's still up to you if you want to send gifts, but if you do, send them so that a signature is required and you keep the signature receipt.

Hope this is helpful.

Answer 7

Speak to the niece directly and ask her if she did receive the checks.  Then go to the sister-in-law.  They should take your word for it that you sent the gifts.

Don't feel bad, I rarely get thank yous.  It does make you wonder if your gift arrived, but even with the events I attend and know they got the gift, I seldom get a thank you.  Pathetic.

Answer 8

I am beyond appalled at how obnoxious and rude those people are, and under the circumstances, what I would probably do is just get the copies of the checks, show them to them, and then say "Maybe if they had bothered to send thank-you-notes they would remember that they had received gifts from us."

You should also tell them that it was entirely inappropriate that you should have had to provide proof that you had given them gifts, and that it was extremely rude for them to have put you in this position.  You are entirely within your rights to say something, here.  As a matter of fact, they now owe YOU an apology, and you should make it clear that you expect one.

Answer 9

Send Baby Shower check via registered mail.  

Answer 10

Out of my own curiosity, I would find out WHO endorsed the checks.   You are under no obligation to report back to anyone.  Your gifts were given, and NOW you are being questioned?  I personally think THEY are the ones out of line  here.  Your MIL has no business telling you to to go get copies (which is most likely another added expense) and then to send those copies to her sister, so she can inform the daughter/bride that she did send a gift!  It is all very well possible that in the busy moments of wedding planning, the bride/groom designated someone to endorse and deposit all those checks on their behalf.  Not unheard of in very large weddings.  So go and just find out WHO endorsed the checks, and then you can casually have your husband report back to his family.  It wouldn't hurt to tell his mom how insulted you both feel.