What is the proper way to diclose adoption with teachers, friend's parents (?), doctors, etc?

Question

How do you tell people that should know that a child is adopted, without violating the child's trust? Teachers need to know because making a family tree will take on a new angle. Doctors should know because there may be holes in medical history. Should the child's friends' parents know, to avoid having uncomfortable conversations?

I want to respect my adopted child's privacy. Am I wrong in thinking that these peope have a right to know?

Answer 1

If you don't want other people to know, or you don't want to discuss it, I would tell doctors only.  Medical reasons are the only time that the fact a child is adopted matters.  To everyone else, the child is and should be seen simply as yours.

Answer 2

The child is now part of your family tree so I don't see how that changes things. Dr's need to know but other than that, I don't think anyone else does.  Why do you think any none medical person needs to know?  If you respect your child's privacy, then let him tell who he wants to know. I have adopted children and their are people who know because they were there at the beginning. But when I meet new people I introduce my kids as my kids not my adopted kids. They are my kids.  I wouldn't saying you are wrong for thinking others might want to know. But I don't think it is their right to know.

Answer 3

Does your child know that he/she is adopted? In this case I would just tell people discreetly when your child is not around. If your child does not know, then no one else needs to know. You are that childs parent therefore no matter if they know or not when doing things such as making family trees at school.. they can do so with your family, you ARE their parent. Doctors really dont need to know unless something goes wrong and there is a severe medical issue and you can explain it to them in private. Theres really no reason for anyone to need to know. I have 2 cousins who are adopted and were as babies and dont know that they were, and yes some people in the family know but they are my aunt and uncles children and our family, theres no reason for anyone to know that they are not their birth parents. Its irrelevant. Its almost like your saying you want everyone to know they arent yours? why not just play it off like they are your very own children from here on?

Answer 4

The Dr. is the ONLY one that needs to know.  Your child is YOUR child and the family tree in school would be YOUR family tree! ! !

Answer 5

I think the doctor is the only one who "needs" to know. Everyone else is on a "want" to know basis, meaning if everyone is comfortable with it, go ahead.  If not, you are not under any obligation to discuss personal family business.  I think it's great that you are taking your child's feelings and privacy into consideration.  Good for you all!

BTW, if there is a family tree project, discuss it with your child first.  If he/she feels comfortable, there's nothing wrong with bringing adoption into the project.  If he/she doesn't want to, they don't have to.

Answer 6

It's not the teacher's business.  Only the doctor's for medical reasons.  Let the kid tell who they want to tell.  I was adopted and when I made a family tree, I used my adoptive family's tree, because I was part of their family!!  Why do you want people to single out your kid?   Why do you feel you should go around warning people?  omg

Answer 7

I agree about not going around making announcements, especially to the kids' teachers.  Two of our  kids are adopted transracially, and they were older adoptees, so everyone knows without our telling them. There's one teacher in particular that keeps doing family projects. My kids do the projects based on our family tree, rather than their first family. They don't want to be singled out.

But the teacher keeps sending notes home to all the parents for these other family projects saying that "DIVERSITY is good. Not ALL families look the SAME, and that's OK!!!!  So send in pictures of your EXTENDED family for our classroom family book, and we'll talk about DIFFERENCES."  Because every kid wants to be singled out in front of the class as being different?  I had to tell the teacher to knock it off and respect my kids' privacy - they're not trotting out their birth/first families for show and tell.

I would say don't make it a dirty secret, but don't make formal announcements either.  'Adopted' is part of who they are, but not all.  What I talk to the teacher about at the beginning of the school year is how my daughter has terrible short term memory, so she has trouble following oral instructions.  My son is in speech therapy, so let me know how he's doing on 'th' and 'y' sounds.  Regular stuff that has to do with classroom performance.

Answer 8

LC,

In regards to teachers, no need for them to know.  When it comes time to do their family tree, why can't they use yours?  Your sister is their aunt, your brother is their uncle, your parents are their grandparents, etc. . . .that's how i did my tree!

in regards to the doctor, you're the one completing their medical forms (I assume you're adopting an infant) so you can just write "adopted and medical info unknown at this time" on their form.

What conversations do you think your child's friends' parents would have that would be uncomfortable?

Answer 9

The information is personal.  I think the only person that needs to know is the pediatrician.

I don't believe that it's any of the teachers’ business.  I'd worry more about the teacher treating your child differently, or using his/her adoption as an 'example' to the class.  Adopted kids hate being 'singled out'.

The family tree thing might happen, anyway.  But it's not like your child won't suffer adoption loss, with or without a school assigning a family tree project.  Having to do a family tree in school was hardly the worst thing about being adopted.

Friends’ parents?  Why is it necessary?  In my case my mother would tell other adults, then because the information meant little to them, they would pass it on to their kids.   And kids, as we all know, lack the 'social graces' we pick up as adults.  Your kids will hear, "Where's your real mom?"  "If you're adopted, your parents aren't your real parents, anyway!" and lots of other lovelies I've probably repressed.  Try not to put your child in that vulnerable position with his peers.  And since it sounds like your children's adoptions are 'closed', there's nothing your child can say anyway.

Answer 10

If the subject of adoption came up, mom seemed to handle it without fanfare and just never seemed to act like it was a big deal.  The bad part is that EVERYONE else always responded as if it were a horrible, dark secret.  That is the part I always hated, the responses to the fact that I was adopted.

Why in the world would the people you list have a "right to know"?  That is the craziest thing I've ever heard!  I can't imagine why a teacher needs to be informed that your child is adopted.  The doctor obviously needs to know.

My 7th grade science teacher assigned a project in which I had to map out my genetic history.  Since I am obviously not my dad's child...all my classmates just assumed that my mom had fooled around.  Ha!  For once the joke was not on me!

Answer 11

All families are different.  So a family tree will reflect that.  No need to tell the teacher anything your child doesn't want them to know.  You can discuss the family tree with your child and work with them to create it how they want.  The doctor only needs to know on alimited basis not at every appointment...  and as far as friends of the children...  and their parents, teach YOUR child how to deal with situations that may make them feel uneasy.  It's their life story and you can't be there al the time to protect him/her.  They should be able to proudly stand up for themsleves at some point...   teach them to be strong and proud of themselves.

You're not wrong in thinking that they should know... but they on't have a right to know...  only your child has that right.

Answer 12

Let the child tell the teachers, and their friends and such.  It is something that if you treat adoption properly, the kids will be proud of.  I know I was... it made me feel special.  The only one that it would be important to tell directly is the doctor.  The others, well I don't think that it is important they know.  It rarely comes up... the family tree projects can be done using the adoptive family unless they want genetic information, and that never was asked of me in school, and my sister had it asked of her only twice in 12 years.  So I wouldn't worry about that.  Friend's parents definately don't need to know... you wouldn't tell them about where you conceived your bio-kid right? Lol, I know that is a poor example, but I seriously wouldn't worry about it, as long as you treat adoption as normal, your kid won't feel the need to have privacy about it.

Answer 13

I don't see how a family tree should be any different then any other child's....my son isn't my husband's biological child, but he still calls my mother-in-law Grandma etc...even though my husband hasn't adopted him legally. I mean...you adopted this child...why isn't your family this child's family too? In this day & age of blended families etc...teachers are very sensitive to the children's feelings etc. In fact...I don't believe that my son has done a family tree in school anyways.

I would talk to your child and see how they want to handle it themselves. At this point....depending on how old your child is...it's really NOT that important to talk about it to people outside the medical community. Especially friend's parents etc. Let your child handle that themselves. Most parents etc don't really have conversations like that with other people's children.

As for the Dr...whenever I take my son to the Dr and we discuss medical history (even when my husband is there) I simply tell the Dr that I'm not aware of the biological paternal side for my son (his biological father denied him at 3 months and never heard from him again - the jerk) My son is 8...he knows that my husband isn't his "real" father (like he is with my other children) BUT as for who knows etc....I leave it up to him to tell them. So far he hasn't felt the need to disclose that info to anyone...so I don't go behind his back and tell them myself. To me I think that would violate his privacy. It's his business...not mine.

Like I said though....talk to your child. They may feel like it's a stigma if you feel the need to "tell" people anything.