What is the right age to tell an adopted child - that they are adopted?

Question

What is the right age to tell an adopted child - that they are adopted?

Answer 1

i absolutely believe the best time to tell them is the soon the better. Depending on how old your child is now, the speicfic situation will surely vary. I started talking with my son the day we brought him home form the hospital (3 days old) and it has been an open conversation ever since. He is now nearly 12 years old. It is very easy to havve converstions about adoption wit infants -- just so you can get comfortable with what to say and how to use the words. The baby doesn't understand but, it's jsut part of the converstation and they learn to understand. As with any other newborn, instead of saying oh -- I can't believe he got Uncle Jake's big ears, or I can't wait to see if he walkes really early like both his parents did -- it's just as natural for the adoptive family to talk about the adoption in this way with their new baby. If they've met the birthparents then, they too can say.. oh, look he's got his birthmother's big blue eyes and how lucky we are to have a kid in the family with big blue eyes! The baby will eventually understand words form these conversations and they will become part of how he understand all along aobut his adoption. Also it is really important for an adopted child to have a story of their adoption. It should be told truthfully and consistently from the beginning. As the child understands more as he grows, detalis can be added and his questions should always be answered accurately and as fully as he wants. Parents should consider what questions will be asked so they can have answers in mind and avoid feeling flustered or put off.

Answer 2

tough question, you should tell them from the start though, help them appreciate who they really are.

look at Angelina Jolie, she tells her adopted children where they are from and teaches them to be proud of their country and heritage, you should do that too

Answer 3

i have known ever since i can remember and i am 12. my opinion is that if you wait then you are pretty much lying to them. also the longer you wait it is going to get harder and harder to tell them and you may end up never telling them. if i were you i would tell them as soon as they can hear..

Answer 4

umm if i was adopted  i would freak out less at a younger age like 10 or 8

Answer 5

hi!! aahhmm, you know. even though its hard to tell the truth, you must do it. you cant avoid it bcoz the truth always comes out. in your case, in my own opinion, age doesn't matter when it comes in telling the truth. just a little advice, it's better to tell the child when he/she is still small, bcoz its easy to help him/her understand the situation. some people may say that its not important whether to tell it or not but for me you must even if it hurts. that's all..!

Answer 6

i would make sure that they knew from the start. that way it's not like some big family secret that was kept from only them.

Answer 7

i was told when i was 11 or so.

Answer 8

The answer would vary from case to case.

Answer 9

My son is adopted, and I told him when he started to ask about where babies come from.  (three or early four)

It was my chance to tell him how babies grow inside ladies, and usually when the lady has the baby she brings him or her home and is his or her mother; but how sometimes when a lady has a baby and is not able to take good care of it for some reason she may ask another lady to be his mother.

I told my son that the lady who knew him knew a social worker, who knew that I was a good mother and would love a little son; so she asked the social worker to ask me to be his mother.

That was enough for him at the time.  As he got older he had the occasional question, which I'd either give a simple answer to or else tell him I'd find out some day for him.  I kept the gory details to myself while he was little and found a way to "clean up the story" to tell him the facts when he was a teenager.

At 21 he found out the rest of the unpleasantness himself, but he was prepared because I had given him a rough idea that all wasn't wonderful with his biological mother.

Answer 10

I'd say by age 5.  They won't fully grasp the concept at that age but, you have started to process so it won't be a complete shocker when they are older.  The older they get, the harder it is for them to hear it.

Answer 11

There really in no RIGHT age. Tell them when you think that they are old enough to understand. My mom told my sister she was adopted when she was 13. It hit her pretty hard and my mom wished she would have waited another year or to to tell her. Just make sure she is capable of understanding and is stable and not dpressed or upset about anything when you decide to tell. Good luck and best wishes!!

Answer 12

If you have a young child, you can start with something simple like "you're so special, we picked you to be our child" and move forward from there: like always let them know.

Answer 13

Start as early as possible.  It was something that I have always known.  I don't have any memory of my parents sitting down and telling me.  It was just a matter of fact in our house and no big deal.

Answer 14

id say 5 or 4 once they can understand the concept.

Answer 15

my daughter was placed for adoption and her family has told her so since day 1 - she has an adopted brother too who knew from day 1. I think it is best to tell them from the start so they never feel like you are keeping something from them.

Answer 16

THERE IS NO AGE!!

I am adopted.

My parents raised me and ALWAYS told me that I was adopted--even before I fully understood what it meant.

I belive this is the best and most beneficial way to "tell" an adopted child.

DO NOT just one day out of the blue say "hey-you are adopted."

Please. that is the worst you could do.

Answer 17

when they can understand dont lie tell them everything i was adopted and i got told at 9 yrs old belive me it screwed my head up i also was  lied about who my mum was my dad i was mentally abused so plz tell him/her the truth

Answer 18

Whenever they can fully understand what you are saying to them. It may vary from child to child. It all depends on the child's state of mind too.

Answer 19

My opinion is that it's best to tell them from the time they're brought into your home (birth, infancy, toddler, whatever age).  It should just be part of his/her story about how they came into your family.  This makes it so that the child knows about it even before he/she understands what adoption is.  The parents can also explain that adoption means that the parents wanted that child so badly that they made a choice to bring him/her into the home.  It also keeps adoption from being a "bomb" that is dropped and is surprising to the child.

I think it's the healthiest way to handle it.

Answer 20

i think neva. if u hve adopted sum 1 y tell dem, wt if he or she neva wanted 2 knw. u might even break their heart. so dnt. n if u do dey an early age is beta. so that they knw dey r luck 2 be in a gud family.

Answer 21

INFANCY. Of course you're not explaining anything to an infant, but the adoption story should be part of family conversations, a natural part of family life. There should never be a moment that you have to sit a child down and say, "I have something important to tell you." Every child, adopted or not, should know the story of how they came into their family: "We went to the hospital at midnight to have you," or "We went to the agency on a beautiful summer day to pick you up," or "We flew to Russia in the middle of winter to meet you at the orphanage."  As the child grows the conversations evolve, always age-appropriate, always open and truthful.

Answer 22

Adoption should be a part of your language from the start, however, the details of his/her story will probably start between 5 & 9 years old. That is when most begin to notice differences, become more aware of them, etc., There are books that assist in these conversations. I would definately read one or two to assist you in telling that special story.

Answer 23

i think when they are old enough to know where babies come from and at an age when they know the options a pregnant woman has when facing pregnancy. like adoption,abortion or becoming a parent. that way they can understand more about the reasons why a person would choose to have their baby adopted.

Answer 24

I was adopted and my adoptive parents told me when I was born and they told me through my life. When I was about ten they told me all they new about my birth mom. Things like her first name is Sarah, and she put  me up for adoption because she was 15 when she had me, and that her parents gave her no support, when I finally came. I am now 26 and I am too busy teaching to go find her. I hope that one day I can. Also if you tell them in your will they don't go through all the stress and questioning that I went though. So it is really your decision.

Answer 25

I am not sure but I have always known I was adopted so my parents told me somewhere between 2 and 5.  They simply showed me a famuly photo of all of us and said there you are - we chose you to be a part of our family and so we adopted you.  I have just always known.  From hearing of others experiences - I know that do it while they are younger.

Answer 26

You never lead them to believe they are born to you. It is best to tell them from the beginning. You give them the information in ways they can understand. My daughter is four years old and hasn't a clue about where babies come from. She knows she is adopted though. When she gets a little older and is at an age where she can understand human reproduction I will tell her the rest of her story as best I can. We have books already that explain similar adoptions. We have books ready for her when she gets older. My daughter and I have a great communication and I am hoping to keep those lines of communication open. She knows there is no subject that is off limits.

You never know how a given child will react to finally getting to that ah ha moment when they connect the dots and understand what adoption really means. The best we can do is prepare, prepare and prepare them so they have a soft landing when they finally understand how they came to be a part of our family.