What is up with the black and white thinking in adoption?

Question

I don't understand, most experiences in life, especially something as profound as adoption have gradations in them, some good, some bad...

But with adoption it seems that people are determined to pretend it is all good for the adoptee and adoptive parents. All babies want one thing, their mommy, when you have a baby and keep it all the education classes really drive this home, but somehow adopted out babies are different?

Someone on Y!A recently suggested that until they start having a "bad" adoption section only they would avoid the adoption section altogether. I don't understand.

Why can't people who have had difficulty with adoption speak out about it?

Why do people think they are speaking for all people? My best adoptee IRL friend is glad she was adopted, she grieved horribly as a child, I knew her then, and I don't remember grieving at all, she baffled me when she talked about it, but I certainly didn't put her down.

As I got older I saw how adoption

Answer 1

I think that most people are just a little ignorant to things pertaining to adoption.  I don't think most people actually know anyone who is adopted so they have no choice but to believe in the fairytale that every adoption is a happy adoption.

I don't at all understand someone wanting to separate the 'bad' adoption people on YA.  When I first realized there were 'bad' adoption people I figured it was just that they were bitter and angry and wanted to attach anyone considering adoption.  It was hard to read because I didn't understand their side of it at all .  I just kept reading and learning and before long I started understanding.  I have to say that coming on Y/A and learning about all sides of adoption has changed my opinions drastically and I am so thankful of that.  We are still adopting (our foster son) but I am gaining the knowledge I feel necessary to do this as best I can.  By reading others stories I am better aware of the issues he my one day encounter.

Answer 2

I'm the one who suggested the "bad adoption" category because there are the SAME few of you who continue to use this forum as a blog to go on and on about your bad experiences.

Just look at your questions and answers; usually the length of a short story. If you need to vent, then you need to find another venue.

Also, shame on you for your previous question that was intended to harass the b-mom from the previous day. I reported you for that.

Lastly, our adoption is a good one.  I don't have difficulty with it and our life is not pretend. It's real with real people who love and respect each other. I'm passionate about it because it can be a beautiful thing.  You are the one that has difficulty with it.

Answer 3

all adoptions are not the same. it is a case by case situation. i am the mother of 4 great children ages 5,6,11,and 20 mo. my youngest 3 don't know there bio. mom. so they aren't lacking anything they do know they were adopted because we make sure that they know so we won't face problems later. my oldest knows her mom and longs to see her. i won't allow it because she is very badly on drugs and is homeless. and i want my daughter to know her mom as she remembers her. she does know that when she is 18 she can find her. and i told the mom that when she gets her life together she can see her daughter. there is no issues with my daughter. and because there was a lot of abuse there she really is not anxious about meeting her too much. but as her mother i have to protect my children. and that goes for there emotions as well. and i hate you had such a bad experience. but every case is not like yours.yes there are probably a lot of cases like yours but there are good cases too.

Answer 4

Color is superfluous!  Kids are glad to have loving parents-period!

Answer 5

Many think about adoption in black & white because the myriad of reasons behind adoption are so personal and often painful.  

Black and white thinking is a defense mechanism.

Answer 6

I'm not stupid.  I know there are some horror stories out there from both sides.  I am a married woman, who can not have a child of her own.  My husband and I both want children and adoption is the only way we will have them.  I understand the difficulties for the child.  Seperation, anger, confusion, and more.  My cousin adopted two half brothers several years ago.  The oldest loves her, but is angry at the situation.  The younger boy does not seem to have the same issues.

I don't see it as black and white because there are so many different circumstances for both sides.

Answer 7

Black/White, now that is a bit racist  and a problem

Answer 8

Not having been adopted it is difficult for me to identify completely with your situation, but I can understand where you are coming from.

I am 66 years old, married twice, the father of two sons--one by each wife, and stepdad to three more boys.  We have hosted seven foreign exchange students, four girls and three boys.

For the most part I have found parenting to be a pleasant experience.  I have strong feelings in favor of adoption because I do know childless couples who desparately want children.  For many potential adoptive parents the legal and financial barriers are insurmountable.

I don't understand why we can't do a better job of matching loving adoptive parents with children who need love as much as they need a child to love.  It seems to me we have fogged the issue with so much legalese that we have lost sight of the objective.

I would hope you can share your experiences and suggestions with agencies that work with adoptions to make the whole process better, and please share your thoughts with lawmakers at all levels.

I am not a potential adoptive parent at this stage of my life.  If I adopted a baby I would be nearly 90 by the time it was raised and I think that's too old.

I don't know if this is a good answer to your question, but I wish you a good one that will satisfy what you want to gain from it.