What is with this black and white view of adoption?

Question

Hello,

Everyone, the question that i have is about the different view points on here. People come from all different life experinces and therefore have views and opinions on such. What I don't get is that there are those that look at adoption as all good and therefore will not consider that there is some hurt involved in adoption. Or those who think adoption is all bad or at least want to do away with it, will not consider how adoption has been good for some adoptees. This isn't about good or bad experinces of adoption. I feel that adoption is very grey, there is no black and white. Why is it that one view point should be viewed above the another or vice a versa? Adoption encompasses all, not just the adoptee, but also the biological family and the adoptive family. I was just wondering by seeing all these answers and questions. Thanks for answering!

Answer 1

People, in general, may not necessarily have had a "good" childhood.  If you're adopted, you're life is [supposedly] bad, because the people that brought you into this world didn't want you; if you're poor, the richer kids had it better off than you; if you're rich, mummy and daddy didn't pay enough attention to you... Mom was a crackhead and no one know who your daddy is...  There are so many reasons and so many possibilities over and above being adopted that messes up someone's childhood.  

Children that were born and raised to their parents have problems, too.  

My point is that not all adoptees had bad experiences with being adopted--just as not all children that were born to their family's have good experiences.

Honestly, in a question I read earlier today, something "hit home" with me.  When I was younger, I had pent up anger and resentment about being adopted.  Now, some 30 years, 3 kids and a life later...I don't have that bitterness anymore.  I believe that for whatever reason, going through those stages, it was necessary for me to realize that my resentment wasn't  doing anyone else any harm, but me.  

I don't think badly of anyone that's still holding on to their bitterness and resentment, I just hope that they keep their minds open and realize that for whatever reason, it happened, but you've got control over your own life now and that, in and of itself, is freedom and a blast of fresh air.

Answer 2

Hi Healing glad to see your back here.

I'm not sure why people act this way.  I guess it maybe because if someone presents a view different from anothers then they interpret that as some how negating or invalidating their own feelings and experiences.

I don't see adoption as black and white, it is a very grey area because of the different experiences.

Answer 3

I think your question points out one of the most important things I try to keep in my mind at all times:

Each Person is Different.

Each parent, each child, each human being is unique and each of us have our own feelings--emotions and precieve our expereinces our own way...  

Not only this but, a well-balanced person should be able to "CHANGE" their ways or oppinions if they find their view is not valid or not valid for a whole group of people.  

I find that those who only stand on One-Point and only make a few core issues the basis of every argument generally miss the other points of view... Blind to the feelings and needs of someone else....  

I have differing feelings about the same issues--depending on the context--or the child--or person in my life that I might be applying my feelings toward...

I find it to be careless for anyone to make a broad generalization or fail to recognize in their own self that they are able to accept an argument the isn't supporting the broad view...

Because so many are so Black and White with their feelings we can also stand back and watch as people tear each other down while representing the same side of the so called Triad....

If an AP actually attempted to Honor all the points of view from birth parents and adult adoptees and raise our child honoring all of the vast feelings we would rasie some VERY messed up and confused children!

It is not black and white however it is a long journey and during life we grow and often revisit old issues after we grow and feel different then we did at the time...

I feel it would be wrong to assume and raise my adopted child as a child with an emotional hole inside...as if they are ruined from adoption... This would be wrong too...because a Good Parent does not raise a child as crippled we instead try to find the best that child can be and help them become that best....

I could raise a child with a broken leg--and try to keep the CAST on until he is out of college. His leg might need longer to heal...maybe he needs that cast forever?  Or I could attempt to teach my child with the broken leg how to walk on crutches...and eventually how to walk without them.... The leg would have always been broken...but, treating my child like he always had a broken leg would be CRAZY....

We just do our best......

****This post was Edited to clarify my answer.at 9:04 am Pacific Time. 3/5

Answer 4

its the same in life for everything that has two sides..abortion..politics..some people cannot see past their own nose and any view that is different than theirs is wrong..i dont think adoption is wrong i just dont think its the happy story so many try to make it out to be...there are alot of adoptees that had unhappy lives and continue to have questions that states will not answer..and im not talking the adoptions of today..im talking 30 40 years ago...and then when you add into this the adoptions of today and people paying 40 or 50 grand for a baby...so now we sell humans...i understand the need and want of a child...but i dont understand how you buying one is a good thing either

Answer 5

Hi Healing,

Welcome back!  I agree with you that everyone has different experiences concerning adoptions.  The many shades of gray, as you might say.  What all adoptees have in common, unless they are from one of 6 equal right states, is that they are all denied basic info regarding their birth records.  That, in my opinion, is always bad to be denied the same rights that other citizens do have.  Fixing that will go a long way towards improving adoption in America.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 6

You're very right.  Some have good experiences some have bad, just like everything in life.

People feel very passionately about this issue and it blinds them to any ability to consider other sides.

You are very very wise to consider all sides especially since you were impacted personally.

Of course there is hurt involved on every level.  Some people only feel better by hurting others.

Answer 7

welcome back!

i don't see adoption as b & w...yet a huge shade of gray. it's within the gray area that people get testy. IMO.

Answer 8

Healing, I'm glad you're back.  I agree with you.  I don't know if that's obvious, but I do.

I have always said adoption is complicated.  My only goal is for the complications to be acknowledge and addressed, rather than glossed over.  I begrudge no one their positive or negative feelings about adoption.  I only object to those who claim that the negatives inherent in adoption are due only to the bad experiences of a few.  That minimizes the complications.  I have always considered myself an adoptee with a relatively good adoption experience.  But that has always been tempered by the recognition that it is complicated and requires addressing some complex issues.  In expressing that, I am dismissed as an angry, bitter adoptee with a bad experience by people who don't know me and don't like what I have to say.

Those who think adoption is some shade of gray cannot coexist with those who think it is white.  (I seem to be perfectly able to get along with those who think it is black.  I find that interesting, though I won't speculate as to the reason here.)  Those who think adoption is simply good, don't want to hear any problems.  On the other hand, I am glad there are positive experiences.  My only point has ever been that adoption is not made up only of positives.  And that even when there are positives, there is still loss.

Answer 9

I have never said adoption is all good; I have never said adoption is all bad.

My questions posted today are out of frustration regarding the intended point of your question (above).

Answer 10

Nicely put.  Adoption is just oh so complicated for everyone involved and it is emotionally charged.   Most people on this site are not "black" and "white. "  They are passionate.  People from every angle feel dismissed, I think, when they feel someone is trying to speak for them, or when someone makes broad generalizations about entire groups. When people feel dismissed they often attack and this comes across as "black and white."   It seems like people have been really trying of late to "understand" different viewpoints.  But there will always be those who are just bored and stir things up by deleating questions (kumbaya?) and asking loaded questions.  Overall, though, there have been some really interesting questions and answers of late.