What is wrong with celebrating the day that you adopt your child?

Question

My wife and i have always wanted to adopt and we are going through the home study process now. We know that adoption is an adjustment for all parties and we have read books on helping children. Well when we were in college a guy we knew was adopted and he said that his parents through him adoption day parties and we thought it was a great idea. He loved it and said it made being adopted cool to him because he got like two birthdays. There are even children books about adoption day parties.

Well being on here i know not to call it gotcha day which is fine. But some have said we should not have one at all. WHY what is wrong with celebrating the day we become a family. We celebrate aniversaries. That is a day that you add to your family why not the day you adopt your child

Answer 1

As your kid gets older, ask them. My grandparents adopted me at 7. When I was little I don't remember if I cared or not. As a teenager they made it too much of a big deal & I hated it! Now as an adult I wouldn't care if we just went to dinner or something, but a big party NO. Yes, they adopted me, that's great, but my mom died a month before, kinda tough!

Answer 2

Why not just be happy and celebrate every day that you are together as a family, with all of your children.

Answer 3

Those types of celebrations weren't in vogue when I was growing up.  I'm glad for it, too.  I don't believe my amom would have celebrated it, anyway.  We celebrated my birthday, usually at the same time we celebrated my abrother's birthday, as they were only 4 days apart.  This is great, and I enjoyed that a lot.

But, I also know that my amom had mixed -- both happy and sad -- feelings on my birthdays because she would think about my nparents and what may have happened that caused a toddler to become available for adoption.  Since all adoptions were closed back at that time, there was no way for her to know what happened.  But, she certainly understood that being adopted meant something no so great happened early on and she was sad about whatever that "something" may have been in my case.  I only know this because she told me this herself.

I wouldn't have wanted an "extra" day to celebrate my adoption, as the complexity of adoption includes so much.  The most important thing for me was knowing that I was not going to lose another family, because I knew that I'd lost one already.  I needed to be sure that I wasn't going to be "given away."  Early on I did worry about that.  I just wanted to safely be a member of the family, just like my abrother.  Knowing that I could be that, even though I wasn't born to them, was the important part.

Answer 4

I feel bad because I believe you asked this question with a totally open heart, but I don't know if there's any way for you to really understand, since you haven't been adopted.

My adoptive family welcomed me in every way that there was, but I still never felt like I was part of them. There was nothing they could have done. I didn't want to be adopted as a child, I wanted to be NORMAL like they were.

Having a second 'celebration', no matter how well intentioned, would only point out to me that I wasn't one of them. If everyone else had a birthday, but I had two parties.... well, yeah, obviously as a little child I'd love all the extra attention and gifts. But as I got older, past the age of comprehension (7ish, 8ish, around there), then that's when the reminders of how I WASN'T really one of them would sink in. I would have really resented the memories of gotcha day parties after that, especially at the onset of adolescence.

Also too there were times as a child when I had an overwhelming longing for my natural mother. A party to celebrate the fact that I wasn't with her feels ghoulish.

I'm so glad my adoptive parents NEVER celebrated adoption. When I explained gotcha day parties to my a-mom, she called it 'ghoulish'. I copy her description often. I don't agree with her on many things, but on this one I'd have to say she's right on the money.

ETA - I just went through my past questions and Sunny is right - you did ask this question  last month.  So why are you asking the same question again? Are you trying to re-evaluate? Honestly curious.

Answer 5

I know I've answered this question before, but I actually feel like YOU'VE asked it before...

I think instead of reading books about 'helping children' and books about 'adoption day' parties, you ought to read some of the books about what it's like to grow up adopted.

As many adult adoptees here have pointed out here, adoption is a GAIN for YOU, and a deep and profound loss for the children. It's the day they know that their dream of their family (you're adopting from foster care, right?) is irretrievably broken, and will never be together again.

You don't know HOW they'll feel about being adopted, or how that will change over time, but by having a PARTY, you are dictating HOW they OUGHT to feel.  

For you and your wife it's WIN-WIN.  It's not for the kids.  While they will hopefully grow to love and respect you, you are not their only parents.

Acknowledging this from the get-go, and not forcing children to PRETEND to feel a certain way to please you, will create the most emotionally healthy child possible.

Answer 6

I had an adoption day and loved it! It was celebrating the day I came home to my family. It was very special to me. They didn't call it gotcha day.

It never reminded me that I lost a "mother". It reminded me that I gained a family. It was always a positive day for everyone.

Aylissa- I'm pretty sure he means an every year thing like a second birthday. Not the day you come home with baby.

Answer 7

"Adoption day" celebrations didn't exist when I was growing up and I'm very grateful.  As a child, I was acutely aware that being adopted made me different from everyone else in my family.  An adoption day would have just reinforced this for me and would have been very painful.

This has nothing to do with the way my aparents treated me, it just came from within me.  I never felt special or that it was cool being adopted.  I felt different, separate, alone.  It would have been excruciating to have to try to act happy during a day to celebrate the fact that I didn't really belong in that family.

So, to answer your question, the problem with "adoption day" is that the adoptee may have a different concept of what it symbolizes.  You cannot assume that it will hold the meaning of "the day we became a family" just because that is what you think it should mean.  Your adopted child may see it in an entirely different way.

Answer 8

Each family is different.  Some like it, some don't.  If you like it, fine, each person, family, and situation is different.

Personally, I am not a fan of the idea.  My wife and I discussed it when the adoption of our sons was finalized and decided against it.  I want us to be a family, just a family, and I prefer to think of my sons as just... my sons.  The idea of an adoption days is feels like we are reminding them,"you are not really our kids", when, in fact, they are our kids.  This is not to say we won't be open and honest with them about the adoption, but rather, I don't want the adoption to be the defining charactistic of our family.

Answer 9

i don't think there is anything wrong with celebrating the day that you adopt.  the only problem is that the child may become a little overwhelmed because of all the new faces and people that they are referring to as family and friends now.  

i wouldnt plan anything to big, especially if the child is at a walking age, because you may just scare that child to death by having all these strangers cuddling and introducing themselves.  you should also give them some time to adjust to being in a new environment before you throw the celebration.

maybe a private celebration with your wife and child, so he can get use to you guys first then have the larger celebration :)

Answer 10

My parents never celebrated that day - thank god. I can't imagine how horrible it would have been to have to force a smile upon my face and play happy on a day that brought me nothing but sadness.

Answer 11

Gotcha is not a term I prefer nor does our family celebrate our child's adoption but I think it's a personal family decision that you can call what ever you want.

Answer 12

there's nothing wrong with it and your traditions are your own if you think its a good idea then do it...I personally think it sounds great

Answer 13

it's one more thing to remind us that we weren't kept by our first mothers.

why on earth would an adoptee celebrate THAT?

just another "me me me" day for ap's.

Answer 14

My little sis has a gotcha day anniversary every year!  And we call it gotcha day.  I don't think anything is wrong with it.  She <3's it.  And she is 4.

What we do is since she is from China, we go out to her favorite Chinese Restaraunt.  Then she gets one present that my mom bought in China.  And lastly we go out for ice cream.  Its nothing big, but eachyear my mom always asks her if she wants it, incase she changes her mind.

Answer 15

I would be leery of taking guidance from a guy you knew in college.  Do you want this for your child or is it for you?

If your child is adopted as an infant and/or from an orphanage, then he/she does not have a family history.  In that case, recognition of the day that you became a family might be okay if you and your partner feel strongly about it.

If you adopt an older child who was removed from a family relationship or adopt an infant with whom you have an ongoing relationship with the first parents, I think that adoption day celebrations would be hurtful to the child and the first parents.  In this case, it is probably a good idea to look years down the road and put other's needs before yours.

My husband and I have two biological children.  On their birthdays, I do not share with them how they came to us.  Privately, my husband and I talk about their conception, when I knew I was in labor, when I told him I was in labor, the experience of their birth.  My kids don't give a sh*t about how we became a family.   To them our experience to parenthood has no meaning.  They want their parties and their presents.  It is all about THEM - not us.

I think that sometimes adoptive parents get so caught up in their journey to parenthood (and I by no means dismiss the joyous and wonderful struggle that it can be) that they lose sight of the big picture, the long road ahead.

Answer 16

my family did, i wasn't affected by it. the only thing i take offense to is the word "gotcha day". that is all. so there is nothing wrong in having a family day.

Answer 17

You are right, definitely do not call it "Gotcha" day -- ever. I have read adoptees that say that to them it is more like "Lost-ya" day. The whole concept is very much adoptive parent centered, and kinda icky.

And I don't think there should ever be a party, with guests and cake and stuff. That totally singles the adopted child out as different from all the other kids. That might to the adoptive parents seem like they are making the child feel "special" and "chosen" and all that -- but to kids that is rarely what they want -- they just want to feel normal, and like their families are normal.

All that said, it might be fine to have a family only celebration of the day the family was formed. I have heard that called Family Day. Maybe a nice dinner or movie or something, or maybe a special day at an amusement park. That should be up to the child -- I would think that some would like this and some would not. And they might change how they feel from year to year. Adoptive parents should follow their lead

Answer 18

I think it is great that you celebrate it.  It is like celebrating your wedding anniversary etc.  I think we should all celebrate the good occasions on our lives.

Answer 19

There is nothing wrong with celebrating.  (I celebrate with my son.)  When the child is older, though, they may feel differently about it.  I'd keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.

Answer 20

there is nothing wrong with celebrating it is a good thing to do

Answer 21

absolutley nothing its the day you came together as a family and probbably the best day of you and your childs lifes

Answer 22

There is nothing wrong with celebrating it.

Answer 23

As an adoptee, I see nothing wrong with it, but see how the kids feel. As much as many people here like to express their opinions and experiences as the law, I think each family is individual - and if your family feels like it works, then follow your heart. But do check with the kids - if they hate the idea, then you might want to consider why you are doing it.

Answer 24

nothing is wrong with that scelebrating the day u becME A FAMILY

Answer 25

As a child, all I ever wanted was to be normal.  Being adopted was not normal in my neighborhood.  Why would you want to celebrate an adoption?!  Why not celebrate something like FAMILY DAY?  or KIDS' DAY?  Why does your celebration have to be tied to the adoption and not to what you really proclaim to be the motivation for the adoption?

Answer 26

*** Actually Freedom, just got bored with my name an pic***

I never looked at it this way. Thank you for taking the time to explain to those of us PAP's and AP's how it made you feel without just telling us how crappy it is.  It never occured to me that it was a reminder that you didn;t belong, I always saw it as a reminder of how much you were loved. I am glad that I saw this.

Answer 27

I would say that it really depends on how your child/children feel about it.  Some may be very sensitive towards the loss, or feeling different.  Others may look at it as being special.  Since you haven't adopted yet, I would suggest putting a decision to mark the day on hold, until you can gauge how your child/ren feel about it.

Answer 28

Nothing at all...I think it's Great...congrats!

Answer 29

The day we gotcha ...hmmmm gotcha day...hmm oh you mean like the day we gotcha, hmm I know like a puppy from the pound ?

Its still called that from what I read on here and you know what, even if you dont call it that it still has the same connotation.

I suffer for a good couple of weeks around my actual birthday,  I dont consciously do this but it happens all the same every year, and up until a few years back I had no clue as to why.

So why would I want to celebrate two *loss* days ? One is hard enough

Please dont do this to your child should you adopt

Trust me I'm an adoptee, the guy in college that you knew is really not the norm in this feeling

ETA (to Nick Jonas is All mine Poster - what sort of a user name is that !): how does a four year old have a Favorite Chinese restaurant ????