What is wrong with my 10 year old daughter? Why is she turning into a person I don't recognize?

Question

My 10 year old daughter is currently in her bedroom recovering from a full blown freak out. She was angry with me that she needed to do a few chores and started throwing things around outside in the backyard. I directed her to pick up the items and bring them to the porch the correct way and she refused telling me she hated me. I tried to get her to get in control of her self when she lashed out at me and I decided she needed a spanking. She screamed when I swatted her butt with my hand and said she was sorry so I stopped and she then unleashed at me again kicking, screaming, telling me she hated me, she was going to call 911, saying I am the worst parent in the world, she is putting herself up for adoption...on and on and on. I recorded her breakdown so I could show my husband (very obscure so she wouldn't feel violated). I told her she was grounded and she said she doesn't care out anything anymore...allowance, friends, going to summer camp...what is going on? Is this normal?

Answer 1

I think your daughter is on her way to puberty. Hormones racing and everything feeling out of control. Remember those years? Doesn't mean she should get away with it. Make sure you follow through with the punishments you gave

Answer 2

It sounds like she may have had an emotional upheaval of some sort.  Did she have a crush that broke her heart?  Or bad news about something she had her heart set on doing?  I hate to ask, but is there any possibility of someone sexually abusing her?  With the emotional response so extreme (& out of character) there must be something else going on.  

Once she calms down I'd suggest having a private talk; maybe take a long drive & ask her to tell you what is on her mind.  No DVDs, no iPod, no radio, just two people open to communication.  Don't try to force her to talk, but let her know that you realize the outburst was more than about the chores & you really want to listen & understand her.

Answer 3

might be puberty

Answer 4

OK here is the deal

1what happened before all this

2talk to her

3if nothing works take her to a psychiatrist

Answer 5

Well, hormones. She is at the begging of puberty, she needs to learn to control herself. This sounds a little harsh, maybe there is something else bothering her? Her friends not talking to her? Feels weird cause somebody made fun of her?

Answer 6

she is probally getting her first episode of PMS

Answer 7

Sounds like her female hormones are kicking in.... maybe puberty is around the corner (my niece started at age 9!).

I would get her to a counselor and figure out how to help her from there.... Now before it gets worse. There are many reasons for her to act out. The counselor would be an outsider who can listen and help her sort things out (and you)so you can help her out the best you can.

Answer 8

Hi i am angelica and i am 10 years old i have some advice i used to be mommy's little girl but now i am weird sk8ter girl with the weirdest styles my mom evers seem my mom doesnt care she thinks it's just puberty ( she had me at age 16 1/2 ) i think you should sit down and talk to her tell her what is going on that u r sorry and tell her that her other friends have something she doesnt have or what is going on

that is the way i would spill the beans but make sure when u tell her that u 2 r alone

Answer 9

Well...it may not be the most popular answer, but I think you were on target with the corporal punishment.  However, it sounds like you may have implemented it incorrectly.  You probably should have sent her to her room to calm down and then explained to her that her behavior was unacceptable and she was going to be punished.  I personally prefer to use an implement other than the hand (since I would rather the child not think that I am going to strike them if I am trying to touch them), but whatever works for you.  

Also, IF you are going to use spanking, keep in mind that just because she says she is sorry/asks you to stop doesn't mean you have reached her.  If she feels she is in control then it is not effective.  

Obviously it depends on the child...but consistency is important.  If you say that the punishment for "x" offense is going to be "y" punishment then that is what needs to be done.

Answer 10

Hormones..

Answer 11

Its a Teenage( pre teen) phase or it might be puberty. Spend some time with her to bond. Dont let children grow up to fast take it slow

Answer 12

Either she is just in those pre-teen years, or maybe some emotional issues.

If she throws insane fits often and it seems just really unlike her...you might want to check into some counseling.

Answer 13

its called PUBERITY lady

Answer 14

Just when you think you know your kids.....as awful as it was for both of you, it seems pretty normal.  Wait until you've both cooled down, then go out and take a walk together. You don't have to rush into the topic, but it might come spilling out.

I often ask my 8 year olds (boy and girl), how much do I love you when you're really, really good?  And we all stretch our arms out as far as we can go.  Then I ask them how much they think I love them when they've acted really, really badly?  They hesitate, and then I stretch my arms out as far as they will go, just like the other time.

It hurts so much to hear "I hate you", and as wonderful as my kids are, and as good as our relationship is, I hear that more than I would like.  What I've found is that when we have really bad blowouts, like the one you've described, there's something else going on at the same time, something I don't know about.  Just the other day, I was with both kids in Target, and they were acting up, and when I had just about had it (didn't want to yell too loud in a public place!),  my daughter burst into tears and told me that inside her mouth had been killing her for two days but she didn't want to tell me because she thought I wouldn't care (whaatttt?).  Once we settled that, the rest of the day went better.  But sometimes it takes a while for the real problem to come to the surface.

Let your daughter cool off, and then agree to start over.   After a blowout, when things have been said by everyone that we all regret, we all take a deep breath and agree to start over.  You can see visible relief on everyone's faces, and then we're much better equipped to move on and find out what was really going on.

Stay the course, and know that mothers and fathers of pre-teens all over the world know what you're going through and are pulling for all of you!

Edit: Also, last year my then 7 year old was absolutely not herself.  She seemed healthy, but was acting so awful it was as though she were someone else.  Strep throat was going around at school, so I took her to the pediatrician and asked her to test her for strep.  It was positive.  Even the doctor was surprised. She really didn't have many symptoms (and is not a carrier) but I knew that something was going on, and I thought, what the heck, let's get her tested for strep.  All was well after that.

Answer 15

People keep saying "hormones," and that is a definite possibility, but it sounds much more to me like your daughter is depressed. Depression isn't just feeling sad; it often manifests in uncharacteristic anger and other off-the-wall emotional fits. "Not caring" is also a common expression during depression.

No matter if this is medical depression or not, this is a cry for attention, for help. Has anything drastic happened to her recently? Did she have a fight with a friend? Is anything stressful going on at home? Try to get her to talk. Give her some time to cool down, then do something relaxing together; go for a long drive, or talk a peaceful walk and gently try to prompt into talking about how she feels. Chances are she's bursting to express her feelings but just doens't know how to do it yet. Spend quality time together to reassure her that you'll be there when she needs you. She's at the age when most kids start saying, "I don't need you anymore," but right now she needs you more than ever. Just be calm, supportive, understanding.

To answer your last question, this isn't quite "normal," but it is not unusual, either. Many kids experience depression and similar emotional upheavals, even before puberty.

Answer 16

Your daughter is turning into a p*****n. It's a change every girl needs to go through. Parents need to get through it too. It's the process of your girl growing up.

Answer 17

oh, jeeze.

well, if you say she's only ten years old, she's in her pre-teen years, obviously.

whether it's a boy she likes, or friend problems, it gets pretty confusing when your body's changing and you're having a h**l of a lot of feelings.

I'd say you sit her down, don't hit her (it only makes it worse), and ask her what's wrong.

It might work, it might not. Give her a hug, and try to make her spill the beans. :D

Answer 18

I think kids are growing up faster than ever these days. Heck look at Miley Cyrus. She's the clean-cut children's role model with a decent family and you see the photo of her on Vanity Fair? Imagine Annette Funicello doing the same thing. We live in different times.

I think she's probably experiencing (socially) the same things that you probably felt when you were 12, or even 13 or 14.

It's why I plan to homeschool my children. I think the amount of time they spend away from their families these days is destructive and pushes them out into the world faster and more clueless, desensitized and unable to cope than ever before.

If you can cut back on your work schedule, make it a point to spend more time with her doing something you both like. You may look into family counseling as well, there may be underlying issues.

They are only young once, and as little as you recognize her now, there's no going back. You don't want her to be an adult estranged from you.