What is wrong with sealed records until a certain age?

Question

Why do so many people protest the sealing of adoption records until the child is old enough to make his/her own decisions? Gershom and others are very devoted to this cause, and I can appreciate that. Am I missing some vital piece of information that will make me understand why they feel confusing a child during his/her formative years is a good thing.

I have every intention of providing my adopted child with any information that I have available, but only once I feel that it won't emotionally harm him/her. There is no reason for him/her to know the country/city of birth, the birth mother's name, or anything else. I will provide any medical information that has been provided to us through the adoption agency, when appropriate. Having the original birth certificate serves absolutely no purpose.

This child will be raised as if he/she were born to us biologically, and that is all that is important.

Answer 1

Grant it! I realize that I am new to this site, but you are really starting to irritate me.  You cannot be serious, can you?

I was adopted 30+years ago.  My records are sealed like a dirty little secret. I cannot open them.  These are my records.  They belong to me.  My birthname belongs to me and no one else, just me.  This is information that is mine and mine alone.  Am I clear enough?  My birthparents relinquished the right to my name the day they signed the forms.  I am an adult and have every civil right to every aspect of my life and it's history.  If you believe that you're very own adopted children will not ever feel this way, then you are quite nieve.  

As far as your statement..."until the child is old enought to make his/her own decisions?" Unfortunately, that is just not the case.  I would assume that being 30 years old, owning my own successful business, paying taxes like a good little citizen, and having a husband and three natural children of my own, would categorize myself as being "old enough to make his/her own decision", wouldn't you?  But, I CANNOT access my original birthrecord or anything pertaining to it.   These documents  are sealed in a dusty cabinet in the archive basement of the small podunk county where my adoption was finalized.  

Not providing this information is an emotional harm to the adopted child.  This is the reason for the emotional harm.  If you intend to answer these questions for your adopted children, then great for you and them.  I'm glad for these children.  They will need this information when they become adults.  But as to the majority of us with sealed records, we are not that lucky.  

My upbringing was great! My adoptive family was my own and I love them just the same.  This is not the issue.  The issue is a civil right to own your own history.  I don't know where I was or what my name was or even what time or what place I was born in.  My entire first year of life is a mystery.  Is that fair?  You tell me.

Answer 2

"Am I missing some vital piece of information that will make me understand why they feel confusing a child during his/her formative years is a good thing?"

The truth is never as confusing as is the processes of trying to untangle the fabrication of lies for ANY person of ANY age. You will not be able to raise an adopted child the same way that you raise your biological child because, for one, you will have very different issues to discuss with your adopted child. When your biological child asks, “Where did I come from?” maybe that’s your cue to start talking about how people are created. When an adopted child asks, “Where did I come from?” you have some very different issues that you need to discuss with your child. Adopted children KNOW they are different from the family that they are raised in. You MUST acknowledge their innate insight! You MUST be honest with them! And you shouldn’t wait for them to ask!

In your own life, do YOU think that the truth is more confusing than lies?

“Having the original birth certificate serves absolutely no purpose.” Well, those are your words, not mine. I would love to have my son’s original birth certificate that states that I am his mother, and that he is my son, but I was never allowed to have that piece of paper. The purpose of that document that reflects the truth?...could mean that I would have felt that I had a right to know my child. For my child, it would have been validation that he was indeed different from the family that he grew up with. But these truths are often just too hard for people who adopt. So we who have lost the most, suffer lies so others can live fantasies. Our US “democratic & free” government complies and changes the truth of my child's (your adopted child’s) history to make it something more palatable for you.

It is beyond me how you can start by telling your child a false story (“as if he was born to you biologically”) and then have that story backed by the US government (as in the amended birth certificate) and expect him or her to know how to understand what your values are as a family.

YOU who adopt are responsible for treating OUR children who were lost to us with the utmost respect, and that begins with truth.

http://www.b******s.org/bb/1.WhyIts.html

Answer 3

I am a big believer that an adopted child has the right to know as much about their background as there is to  know.  I am not an advocate for sealing records.  I watched a dear friend die (in 1988)  from a disease that may have been better detected had she known it was passed on by  a family member.  

I am wondering though.....are children still adopted with the possibility of having their records sealed?  Is that something that happened more in the past?  I was under the impression that adoptions these days are more open??

Answer 4

When a person's records are sealed, their rights are taken away.  A right that every other American has automatically is taken away from adoptees.  It is not right and it is not fair.

I have my records and I got them legally but not until I was 34 years old and only because my natural mother filled out the necessary forms and said I could have them.

"Mother may I?" Is not fair.

I am a person.  I am an adult.  I am not a child and I am not a commodity.  Every person no matter what age should have the right to their original birth certificates.  Every person, no matter what age should be allowed to know the names of the people who created them.  And we shouldn't have to ask to get them.

***Yes, even today in most states, a person's birth certificate is amended and their records are sealed even in so-called open adoptions.

Also, in most states "open" adoption is not legally binding which means that the open relationship is at the adoptive parents' discretion and may be closed at any time for any reason.

Answer 5

LC. They are not your records to keep from your child. You cannot pretend that your child was born from you, your child had a life before you, and that life will influence him/her through-out his/her life.

adoptionswithlove - there are only 6 states in the United States that give adoptees unconditional access to their records upon the age of majority ( 18 , 19, or 21 depending on the state.)

A handful of other countries also hold adoptees hostage by secrecy from sealed records.

Unfortunately I don't have time to write a long lenghty reply so here are some links to read up on the REAL ISSUES of sealed records.

THERE IS REASON for him/her to know their country, city, birth, mothers name, and alot more. THERE IS ALOT OF REASON. And if you haven't discovered that reason yet, please keep digging, it will do wonders for your child to have his/her heritage honored and embraced by you, to not have to pretend to be born "from you" especially when theres obvious differences that are involved with adoption.

Answer 6

Sealed records have no place in a "free country".  You were/are/will be given an opportunity to adopt a child.  Why would you treat that child different than you would a child born biologically into your family.  

A child born into a family is granted all of the access of knowing their origins.  Not just medical information.  They know who gave birth to them, they know what ailments arise within the family, they know what countries of origin are in their background.  These are all things people take for granted when you are not adopted and information is not kept from you.  It is closed minded.  Keeping information is what emotionally harms most adopted people.  I am 41 years old and have known all of my life that I was adopted but just recently found out that my adoptive parents kept a very very big detail from me.  They knew my biological father.  These are the things that scar us, our parents being open with us does not scar us.

You are clearly speaking like someone who thinks that just because they adopt a child that the child should never want to know the most basic of information about themselves.  You are the one being selfish.  What confusion can there be if everyone is open with all of the information.  

Medical information can change very quickly.  How often do you intend to check with the information.  

Adopted people do not have the same rights in this country as someone who is not adopted.  Just because you don't understand the need to know doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

I am an adoption search angel. Your child may one day find someone like me to help them locate information regarding the birth parents, why not consider being the one to help along with your child.

Answer 7

Do you have your birth certificate?  How would it feel to have it locked away and be told you have no right to see it?  How would it feel to be told you're birth is none of your business?

How would it feel to never see another soul who shared the same features and traits as yourself and to sit in on family reunions with people saying "oh you look just like your mother" or "you know, he gets that from uncle Joe"  I know it's difficult for people to understand some of this stuff, because they take it for granted every day.

Geneology and researching our ancestry is a huge thing these days.  It's facinating and emotional to trace family history back through hundreds of years, knowing you have a connection to these people.

It's a natural thing to want to know about one's own heritage. An adoptee cannot trace back even one generation.

Adoptees deserve to have the freedom to access their own information, just as others do.  It's really as simple as that.

Answer 8

Nope.  Biological parents do NOT have a right to privacy.  On the birth certificates of every non adopted child is the name of his or her

biological parents. It is a matter of public record.

I have no problem with recording adoptions, and with issuing an amended birth certificate for the convenience of adoptive parents, but the biological parents names should still be a matter of PUBLIC record.

What I don't understand is why you don't give kids the credit they deserve?  You've said time and again that you don't want your children to be "confused."

The only way kids become confused about adoption is if they are told conflicting things.  If they are presented with the facts, from birth, in an age appropriate way, kids tend to simply accept what is.  My son knows his other mom, and he is not at all confused about who she is, or why he's not living with her.  His questions have been answered as he goes along, in an age appropriate way.  Kids have the RIGHT to know about themselves.  They have the RIGHT to have their questions answered.  They have the RIGHT to have access to all of the documentation surrounding their births and adoptions.  Bio kids have that right... why shouldn't adoptees?

Answer 9

Heres the adopted childs perspective:

People aren't protecting the adopted child by sealing records, they are protecting the birth mother from future conflict, and nothing more.

As an adopted child, I have a complete right to know my medical history, if nothing else.  It seems only logical that a human being should be able to know what problems they may or may not be prone to, ie: heart, diabetes, mental health, etc., especially in this day and age.

Why should I have to spend money fighting the court system for information that SHOULD be rightfully mine.  It wasnt MY choice to be adopted, why should it cause me stress and heartache over and above already being adopted by, and into a family that was never screened for poor mental health?

Hmmm?

Answer 10

Sealed records is state sanctioned child (and later adult) abuse.

You are raising someone else's child. That is a fact. That child deserves his/her truth. Stop the secrets and lies now.

Answer 11

"Why do so many people protest the sealing of adoption records until the child is old enough to make his/her own decisions?"

Who are you to say what is or is not an appropriate age?  No one can say when another person is emotionally ready to handle ANY situation, let alone something of that magnitude.  That lies on an individual basis.    

"I have every intention of providing my adopted child with any information that I have available, but only once I feel that it won't emotionally harm him/her."

Do you have any idea how damaging it is to be raised thinking you were just like everyone else to only have a bomb dropped on you when your parents "thought you were old enough"?  I do. . . I deal with it every day and my relationship with my adoptive mother has never been the same.  See, I had to find out I was adopted by finding the paperwork when I was 12.  The feelings of betrayal were overwhelming.  I was lied to by everyone I trusted, my entire life up until that point.  We raise our children to always tell the truth, even if it means getting in trouble, because that's the "right thing to do". By keeping your child's information from them, and raising them as if they were born to you, you are LYING to them.  You will be contradicting one of the very morals you will be trying to instill in them.  You will never be able to justify that.  If my mother hadn't lived a lie for so many years, there wouldn't be the animosity there is today.  I now harbor resentment towards her for the pain she inflicted upon me.  Deceit is a very powerful weapon.  Your child will love and respect you for being open and honest with them/

"Having the original birth certificate serves absolutely no purpose."

That's easy for you to say because you have access to yours.  It's a small luxury non-adoptees take for granted.  When you take away someone's right to their heritage, you are violating personal freedom and a civil right.  No one has the right to rob another person of their heritage.  The State isolates adoptees and makes us feel like we are some sort of criminal for simply wanting access to information every one else has access to.  Do you think that's right?  We are unjustly segregated.

"This child will be raised as if he/she were born to us biologically, and that is all that is important."

No, no it isn't.  Not even close.  As someone who is not adopted, you have absolutely NO right to make a statement of that nature because you lack knowledge of the subject.  The adoptive parents play an imperative role in the child's life, no doubt, but that will never fill the void that's left in an adoptees life.  That will never satisfy the curiosity.  Do you know how it feels to grow up in a family where no one looks like you?  Where the family has pride for a heritage (ie: Italian, Irish, German, etc) and they act like you're a part of it, but you're not?  Do you have any idea what that longing to know feels like?  

I do not feel that birth parents have the right to anonymity.  They absolutely have every right to reject contact attempts from their relinquished children, but that's it.  My right to MY birth and MY heritage and MY records is far superior to the birth parent's right to anonymity.

Answer 12

You may raise your child AS IF he/she were born to you but the FACT IS he/she was NOT.

The thing that harmed me the most during my formative years was not knowing all those things you state you are going to withhold from your child.

Secrets and lies only cause harm.

Having the original birth certificate serves no purpose - TO YOU. Maybe you should ask your child what he/she wants.

Adoption is already confusing - not giving truthful answers only makes it more confusing. Not knowing where I came from was confusing. Not knowing who I looked like was confusing. Not knowing why I was given up was confusing.

I could go on and on and on .....

Answer 13

LC-

I dont think some people understand Why a record is sometimes sealed...It is to protect the rights of the Birth Parents that gave up their child for adoption. Some (relax guys...not all), do not want to be contacted ever again and is WHY they gave their child up in the first place. The Open Adoption records a lot of times are for the mom/dad that still want to be part of the child's life and know about etc...either now or later on

I have worked with many people that gave their child up for a reason and do not want to be contacted ever again and so forth. I have heard come out of their mouth....saying "will this child be able to find me later on....I don't want that because it would be too hard and I don't want this to come back to me in 18 years....."    This is how it sometimes is and how people think. They didnt abort the child, and instead wanted a loving and better family for this child...and it also includes this is something I had to do, but want to make sure no one finds out etc etc etc....  

Is it a horrible thing?! Yes...it is...because a child does have a right to know where they came from, but unfortunately....not everyone that gave birth wants to have the child in their life now or later. That is one of the cons of adoption. The Pro is having and growing up in a Forever Family that loves you!

Medical information is important and needs to be known for now and the future. But sometimes sadly...not knowing where you were born or what your mother's name is...is something not to be known because of the person that gave you up.  If your biological mother/father do want to know you in the future...there are So many sites out there to connect you. As long as they want to find you........

"This child will be raised as if he/she were born to us biologically, and that is all that is important."   --Beautifully said and that is how it should be to anyone that has adopted.

Answer 14

Just a little clarification.  In most states adoptees original birth certificates are still sealed, keeping their origins secret from even themselves.  This secrecy is not to the benefit of their natural parents.  The secrecy is primarily supported by the adoption industry.  It protects them and supports the illusions LC refers to in the end of his/her question--

"This child will be raised as if he/she were born to us biologically, and that is all that is important"

Answer 15

What is wrong with records being open the entire time?

I just don't see the need for closed records.

And no, I don't agree that biological parents have the right to privacy/anonymity. I believe they have the right to refuse to have a relationship with their children, but I don't believe they have a right to anonymity.

Answer 16

I see where your coming from. I'm a bm and the adoption agency gives you a choice on whether you want your records open or closed to your child at birth. Some ppl just dont want to relieve what they gone threw the father of my child doesnt he'd rather move on with his life and forget she ever existed. I know that suck and it does hurt my dad did the exact same thing to me but sadly we dont live in a world where we get happy endings. My advice would be to find out if your child bio parents did/did not close there records. If they did i would be honest with the child and try to locate them if they want others ways but if they are opend them talk to them about it and really see how they feel. I hope this all work out for you

Answer 17

The child is already confused having to live with strangers and feeling obligated to act as part of a family that is not biologically his.  Do you really think he is not aware of the switcheroo that occurred when you gained custody?  He remembers being separated from his mother - the memory lives in his body.

Keeping a child in the dark about his/her beginnings and history (until they are "old enough") - and all the information that comes with that - is child abuse.  It is child abuse because it represents a power imbalance.

The adoptive parent is withholding information about that person - FROM that person!  The child should have that information available to them from the get-go in order to feel like a RESPECTED member of the adoptive family.  

Withholding information is disrespectful.  It is not "protective" - it is merely the rationale that adoptive parents use to 'ensure' their adoptive children will love them and be loyal to them before they release the information.

Western culture by its very nature tends to abuse children because of this power imbalance - whether we are talking about adopted or bio kids.  I just got through telling a young man to report his adoptive parents to CPS because they are abusing him.  I would advise the exact same thing if they had been his natural parents.

"This child will be raised as if he/she were born to us biologically..."  Well, I think that is a shame because you are then denying him his truth.  I am sorry but how DARE you decide whether or not having his OBC has any purpose.  What makes you think it does not have a purpose for him??

Answer 18

You should raise your child as if he is born to you.  If you didn't I would be screaming down your throat.  

My mother was always open and honest with me.  It didn't confuse me.

As far as the adoptees and the birth parents, adoptees should have their original birth certificate.  It is a document that accurately records their birth.  It is a very important part of their heritage and their history.  

As far as natural parent privacy, that is a myth perpetrated by the industry itself.  Obviously your child's natural parents wanted openness of some kind.  She is probably one of those that believes that all adoptees should have this document.  She may even have a copy to give to your child once the time is right.  I have met mothers of all kinds to include rape.  All of them wanted their children to have access to that document.  All of them want their children to find them.  There is maybe 1-3% that don't.  The laws currently in place for 44 countries protect that percentage.  

What is wrong with sealed records?  What if your child or even me had a health issue that we needed to contact those natural parents to find out the cause?  Many adoptees in this country have been denied that information in courts of law.  The courts response is oh well you are going to die anyway. It is not important.  This could be your child.

Answer 19

Just the fact that you are not adopted gives you NO right to even ask this question. You know about as much as how horrible closed records are for a person LC, as you do about how horrible child birth pain is. I know about both first hand. People who are not adopted have NO BUISNESS vieing for the very system that has destroyed us. Especially pyschiatrists.

Answer 20

The reason sealed record are wrong is that it is the adoptee's OWN LIFE that is being kept from them.  Now, I do think that children should not have to handle adult problems, and that is why responsible parents talk and give information to children in age appropriate ways, but they don't hide it.  

My daughter is only almost 2 and I already share pretty much all the information I have with her (international adoption) in an age appropriate way.  We have a photo album of her time in her birth country and she loves to look at it and can identify who her caregivers and birthfamily members are in them.  We do have letters from her birthparents with some issues discussed in rather adult ways which are actually meant for when she is older.  I will just tell her about the letters and that they are for her to have when she is older because I will want her to grow up knowing her birthparents wrote to her and explained themselves to her even if it too adult for her to read yet.  And, It's not that the information in them will be new to her, but we will start out talking to her about it in less specific terms that a young child can understand.

Also, while I will share my daughter's adoption documents and her original birth certificate with her, I will keep physical possession of them until she is an adult, simply for safe keeping because they are so important.  (I have them in a home safe.)  I have made a copy of all the pictures, though, and she has that album in her room and will be able to look at it any time.

Answer 21

Thanks for your question LC.

Here in lies some of the biggest misconceptions about what adoption is - and what adoption should be.

Saying that you are the child's only parents is a lie.

Lies and secrets wound an adoptee deeply.

(trust me - I've had therapy on this one)

It is extremely important for an adoptee self image and self worth to know ALL of their history.

Please do not fear that with knowledge your adoptee will flee and want to live with his/her biological family.

Have more faith in your love and parenting skills for your child.

Yes - you are the child's legal parent.

But the child has another set of parents.

That's just how it is with an adoptee.

Anything else is a lie.

If you show compassion and truth toward your adoptees origins and history  - and be honest in everything - your adoptee will only have far greater respect for you through the years.

Lies and secrets sadly only cause resentment and pain.

Question - do you want your adoptee to be as big of a pain in the butt as many of the adoptees are on here??

We are the ones that were lied to throughout most of our lives - and some of us are still trying to find our truth.

Allow your adoptee their truth.

It's the adoptees truth - not yours.

Answer 22

You DO NOT have biological children.  Your child has a biological family.  These are FACTS.  Your child (much more savvy than you are, or will be, I assure you) KNOWS this.

By hoarding this information, you are creating a VERY unhealthy situation psychologically for your child.  It's referred to as 'spitting off' by adoptee & author Betty Jean Lifton.  You can listen to her talk about it on theadoptionshow.com.  

Without acknowledging your child's life before your presence in it, you are creating a schism in your relationship with him/her.  She will not ever really trust that you truly care about and respect her as a person.  She will 'split' her personality into two, not like Sybil or anything, but she will learn, very soon, that there are 'safe' and 'unsafe' things for you to know.  She will learn to only 'show' you what she wants you to 'see'.  

You will only be the 'keeper' of this information for a short time of her life.  The tide is changing, and the closed system will die, just like most domestic adoptions.

What do you hope to gain by lying (and withholding IS lying) about her birthplace for heaven's sake?  If you lie more, she will be more YOURS?  What you hope to achieve will backfire.  She will pull more & more away from you, and know that your love is conditional, and your maturity is limited.

THIS is why adult adoptees are here, LC.  Becuase we want APs to know that adoption is very complex.  You cannot will it to be anything other than what it is.  I wish you and other APs/PAPs knew this BEFORE adopting.  It's alot for anyone to process.

You can either LEARN to respect and honor your little adoptee, or live in the 'as if' fantasy, that she is just like a biological child.  She isn't, and she never will be.

Why not ride along and see what blooms, instead of trying to CONTROL so much.  Or underground she will go, and NEVER be yours at all, biologically OR emotionally.