What is wrong with this child?

Question

I am 23 and have been dating a 32 year old for almost 2 years. He has full custody of his 10 year old son. His son's mother lives thousands of miles away and doesn't see him very often. I have been watching him at night for a year now as his father (my boyfriend) has to work. He has been fine besides a few bad tempered episodes and he talks back to everyone he is close to, but other than that its been great. Even when hid dad leaves to do something he has always asked to stay home with me, but lately he has been telling his father that I am mean and he doesn't want me to watch him! I have not treated him any differently this whole time so why is he doing this all of the sudden?

Answer 1

my parent divorced when i was 3, separated when i was 1.  mum married my stepdad when i was 6.  when i was 12 or so, i was getting quite rebellious (before that i was actually diagnosed as being traumatised but in those days that didn't register with folks here, but basically i rebelled because i stopped being afraid and this was how it came out - i just couldn't understand that at the time).  So anyway, I fought with my stepdad badly and he stopped talking to me for a long time it must have affected him so badly.  When he first came along I'd make little 'would you marry me' cards with tick boxes on them, i adored him is my point.  So I personally think it's because he's reaching an age of understanding what he doesn't have and feels mixed up.  Guilt/anger/rejection etc all mixed up in a little 10 year old mess.  Just like you are taking it personally what he's doing to you, so he might now be taking it personally what his mum did to him.  It's all dawning on him at this age.  It's actually quite intuitive emotionally when you think about it - and if it is like this for him, it makes sense that he's also afraid on top of this, that his dad might reject him too - or even, seriously, that you might.  That you'll leave him because he's bad.  Maybe to fight that fear off his back he's actually being bad to make it realised so it stops scaring him in his head.  Honestly, I don't have the answers - I'm not a therapist, but it's something to consider.  It's a really hard thing to be a step-parent, and that's what you are now.  My step-dad and I best friends now as adults, but it took almost 7 years of him cutting me off before we reconciled.  I hope it goes better for you.  If you love this little boy, I hope you can make it work and get through this, even if it means counselling for him.  If it's beyond you and confuses or hurts you, counselling sounds best to me.  Best wishes.  

Answer 2

Has he been in contact w/ the mother or her family lately?

Answer 3

he wants attention from his dad

Answer 4

Because he's 10 and wants his own way

Answer 5

He probably is trying to get you out of dad's life. Not because he's a mean kid but because he knows that he'd get more attention if you weren't there. That doesn't mean that he doesn't get plenty of attention now but that's a kid for you- they always want more lol. I'd just try to spend a lot of time as a family, focus on him while you and your boyfriend are both there. You want him to see you as someone who cares about him and wants to be involved with him- not as competetion for his dad's love.  

Answer 6

It sounds to me like he is just really craving more attention from his father.  He already doesn't see his mother very much, which has to be extremely difficult on him.  If he is always talking back to everyone, he is pushing them away because he resents having to be with them rather than his parents.  He may just be getting a little tired of always being at your place with you - no matter how much fun you have together - than with his father.  Nothing beats your parent.

Answer 7

He's Probably lashing out because he misses his mother. And he is 10 years old. There are a lot of plausible reasons. But it sounds like he you all might want to see a counselor. That can be a stressful situation on the both of you. And if you let a 10 year old boy break up your relationship then you dont belong in that situation. He is 10 and you are 23. If you are serious about this man then you would see that this is something worth working on and get to the bottom of his actions. Being with a man woth children is NEVER easy

Answer 8

It sounds like he is wanting some quality time with just his Dad and if he makes you out to be the bad guy his Dad might just give him some extra time.  They need to do guy stuff together, ballgames, a game of catch, fishing..He might have something he wants to talk to his Dad in private about, something he isn't going to discuss with a girl.  Talk to your boyfriend and explain to him he needs to plan a guys day and be patient and ask the boy how is school, is everything ok.  Maybe say i remember when I was your age, it is not always an easy age anything bothering you?

Answer 9

truly from what i read maybe the boy just misses he's mother, and he's just acting out. i'm sure thats the reason and don't take it personal and just try to be he's friend never give up because he makes you frustrated with he's temper he will see that and just do it more to p**s you off. its hard but just be patience and loving and hopefully he will see that you are the great person who you are. and you never know maybe he will start calling you mom.

GOOD LUCK =]

Answer 10

he may like the idea of having a new mother but also miss his old mother

i would not like a new mother right after my parents divorced

Answer 11

iono...need Wat to say...yall all need to sit down and have a talk

Answer 12

What's wrong is he has a mother who is absent from his life.  The good news is that doesn't have anything to do with you.  The bad news is he's taking it out on you and since she is out of the picture, you will be the one who has to deal with it.

You could be the best would-be step-mother in the world, and that's still not the same thing as his mother, unless she left when he was really young and you have been there ever since.  If he's 10 and you've only been with the dad 2 years, then obviously he must have spent a lot of formative time with his mother.  Now she's mostly out of the picture and that has filled him with anger, rage, resentment towards you (as he likely sees you as trying to replace her) and he may also be wondering what's wrong with him that would make her not want to see him.

All very sad.  At 23, you may not have what it takes to work through this with him.  No offense meant, but this is serious stuff and stuff that could thwart his mental health for years to come.  You may want to consider family counseling as a means to learn how to cope and communicate.

If nothing else, his Father probably needs to take a more active role in his life and if the Mom is at all a decent person, he needs to communicate with her that she needs to be a more active part of the child's life.  Since the child is 10, he's also old enough for Dad to really have a heart to heart with him about all of these issues.

Kids do act out, so it's important to communicate properly.  I recommend the following:

1. Don't talk to him when you're mad, or show anger.  Show him you're serious, but don't teach him that his actions can cause you to lose control.  That will only encourage him.

2. Be firm, fair and consistent with discipline, and make sure Dad treats him the same.  If Dad goes easy it makes you look like the bad guy.  

3. Make sure you don't talk bad about his Mother, and even if you think poorly of her, be supportive if he brings her up.

4. Don't try and replace his Mom.  Don't encourage him to call you Mom (he's a little old to start now), and don't refer to him as your son to others when he's around.

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If his parents divorced when he was 3, then that does change things a bit, especially if his Mom has always been distant.  That means he has very little memory of her, other than these occasional visits.  If you and the Dad have been together 2 years, and his behavior has just started, then something has changed.  I still think a counselor could help, but you can also look at all of you and see what things are different now.  Of course he's nearing his teens and that changes things significantly.  I think Dad needs to have a heart to heart with him.  I also think Dad needs to make it clear to him that when it's just you and the son, that you are in charge.  If that's not clear to the son, he may be resentful of you telling him what to do.

By choosing to be with a guy who has full-time custody, you did choose to be in the child's life, and as a surrogate parent, that means often putting your own needs behind the needs of a child.  Now that you've been in the child's life for 2 years, you owe it to him and to the Dad and yourself to try your best to resolve things before you throw in the towel.