What is your best joke ever?

Question

funny one they can be rude ones to

Answer 1

1st Joke

A WOMAN, STANDING NUDE, LOOKS IN THE BEDROOM MIRROR AND SAYS TO HER HUSBAND,

"I FEEL HORRIBLE, I LOOK FAT AND UGLY. PAY ME A COMPLIMENT."



THE HUSBAND REPLIES, "YOUR EYESIGHT'S d**n NEAR PERFECT."



THE POOR SUCKER NEVER HEARD THE SHOT............

2nd Joke

Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. he pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..."Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

3rd Joke

Glen and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glen looks over at his wife and says, "your butt is getting really big.  I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."  With that he proceeded to get a

measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.  "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"  The wife chose to ignore the husband.  Later that night in bed, Glen was feeling a little frisky.  He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?"  he asked.  She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a*s grill for one little weenie!!!"

Answer 2

Memory's Going

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Answer 3

my best joke ever got posted in:do it yourself :section .it's titled[have you ever been in an out door toilet].check it out

Answer 4

Guy goes to the doctor and gets ready for his physical, the nurse isn't quite out of the room before he dropped his drawers, the nurse bursts out laughing becuase his equipment is about the size of her pinky finger. She tries to stiffle the laugh but doesn't quite manage and the guy says "Don't laugh it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

My karma ran over your dogma.

Little boy and little girl sitting together naked.(don't ask why) and then the little boy asks the little girl whats that. she says she doesn't know, she in return asks the little boy whats that, he says he doesn't know either. They ask their parents. The boys father told him it was his limo, and that he should try to park in all girls garages. The girls mom told her it was her garage and that she should NEVER let anyone park their limos in it. When the little girl came home from shool the next day, she had blood on her, her mom asks what happened and she said Some guy tried to park his limo in my garage so i popped his two front tires!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

How are a blonde and a turtle the same?

When their on their backs their screwed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Did you hear about the Dyslexic devil-worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

Depends how thin you slice them.

Little Johny says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

Little Johny thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Answer 5

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and s**y 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toyboy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.  

Answer 6

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the d!ck underneath the horse instead of on top.''