What is your funniest joke?

Question

Post a joke, and the funniest one will be chosen as the best answer.

Answer 1

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She was talking to the doctor."

Answer 2

A blond goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'

The blonde stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'

Answer 3

The clown in big shoes came to the circus he saw all the workers doing kewl stunts then he saw the manager he says hey person im big shoes and guess what i want! What? A job!

Answer: Are you kidding?

What did the pb say to the jelly

Lets jam it on!

Theres this dead french guy hes in american why?

Because he cant fly back because hes burried!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

to get to the other slide!

ehhh not funny lol

Answer 4

Breakfast time…    



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!

“WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to

STICK!

“Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to

me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you

CRAZY?

“Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You

know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE

SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What’s wrong with you? You think I

don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?

”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it

feels like when I’m driving.”

  

Answer 5

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Answer 6

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke2

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"

Answer 7

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the h**l happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the h**l did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the h**l did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Answer 8

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'



The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.



His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'

Answer 9

A guy is buying breakfast items in a grocery store. He puts the items on the conveyor belt and the cashier girl begins ringing them up. There's eggs, milk, bacon, cereal, oranges, bagels, butter and oatmeal. The girl looks at the man and says, "Wow, you must be single." The guy blushes and says, "Why yes, I am. How did you figure that out?" The cashier says, "Because you're so f***ing ugly."

Answer 10

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"You Got Male!"  

Answer 11

What does the ghost say when he's sad?

BOO HOO!

and

What's a bunny's favorite cake?

CARROT CAKE!

LOL!