What is your opinion about NOT telling others about the circumstances of my childs birthparents?

Question

I feel like that information is personal to my child and I am not really comfortable telling others. Feel like it makes it easy for others to place judgement on the parents and therefore disrespects my child.

What do you think?

What would you politely say to people when they ask?

BTW, I am including my in-laws with this....they would tell the world if they knew.

(I have not adopted a child yet......I am preparing)

Answer 1

That is completely at your discretion.  You don't owe anyone an explanation about your child's birth parents.  

If you'd prefer to keep that as private information for your child to know and discuss as he/she sees fit when he/she is older, that's completely understandable.

You can just say that 'her birth parents weren't in a position to raise a child, and I am fortunate enough to be the one to have that privilege'.  :)

Answer 2

I agree with you, you share the info with the child...it is not your parents in laws business.

I'm an adoption social worker...my advice is to be honest about it from the start, but age appropriate.....the answer you give at 3 will not be the same answer you give at 14 (just like s*x).

ALWAYS be upbeat...children only think adoption is bad if we make it seem that way.....

"Your birth mommy loved you very much, but she wasn't ready to be a mommy."  (DO NOT SAY she couldn't take care of you..that makes it sound like it was the child's fault...DO NOT LET other people say it either..trust me...bad!)

"She loved you so much, that she went looking for the best mommy and daddy she could find.....and she found us."

"We wanted a baby so much that we waited and waited and finally you came!"

Most people won't ask...if they do I think you should tell them what you just said...."We feel that discussing the details with other people is disrespectful to our child.  We will tell her as she is old enough to understand and if she chooses to tell people when she is older, that is her right."

You're thinking great!

Answer 3

I wouldn't hide the fact that your child is adopted... but no one needs to know anything more.  You simply don't know is what I would answer, but it is so great to be able to give him or her a home of their own. His or her parents were unable to care for them and thats where we come in.   If it is ever asked, sway the subject to the postive on how wonderful it is to have him or her.  People do twist words and you don't need stories coming back that are twisted as your child grows older.  Good Luck on your adoption!!

Answer 4

Although we are open about having adopted our children, we do not generally share the details. When people ask questsions like, "What do you know about the first parents?" we generally answer vaguely with something like "Enough..." or "She provided some information in her relinquishment documents" or something like that.

If they're persistent, we'll say "Those details belong to our children and when they're grown, they'll decide with whom to share it." That response generally shuts down a conversation (as though you've pointed out just how prying they were), so I try not to use it unless the vague answers don't work.

Edited to add: My children know their details at an age appropriate level, but I use the "when they're grown" phrase to prevent those people from turning around and asking the kids.

Answer 5

There is no reason to tell others although that information should be written down so that if something happened to you and your spouse, that the children would find out.

Answer 6

I am actually very thankful to Y!A.... I don't share my son's B-history because I  don't want people to judge him or expect less of  him.... Here I feel I can share without (any meaningful) judgement.... but when it comes to anyone beyond close family and dr.s I keep it to myself.....He was very sick when he was born and our church has prayed for him through many surgeries, so everyone knows that something is up, but noone has the nerve to ask with the exception of 1 person. She works with children with disabiliteis and picked up on his issues. SHe has really been able to councel me through the rough times.

Answer 7

I agree with you.  It's no one Else's business but you and your child's.

Answer 8

I wouldn't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. People ask really nosy things about my children's situation and I either say I don't really know (which I usually don't) or thats our kids story and we're going to leave it up to them what they're comfortable sharing with others when they're older. I'd have been really embarrassed if everyone in town knew my personal history, though a lot of that was unavoidable since I lived with my dad's parents. I'd really rather my story have been private and for me to be able to share it with who I want.

Answer 9

You are absolutely right.  People don't generally ask the social histories of a child when they aren't adopted, so adopted children should not have to have their social histories told to everyone.  

As an adoptive mother, I can tell you you will be asked a lot "Why didn't her birth parents keep her?"  

There are several ways you can anser that.  You can always say "Why would you ask such a personal question?"  

You can also say "Birthparents place their child for adoption because they are unable to care for the child at that time."  That leaves it general and doesn't reveal specific private information.

To family, you can just tell them you won't be telling anyone specifics about your child's birthfamily until your child knows.  It is his or her story and he or she will decide who and when to tell about their own history.

Best wishes on your adoption journey.

Answer 10

I don't tell anyone who isn't close to me and my children. My husband and Mother know and that's it. I know what you  mean about in laws. I figure it is no ones business. But for some reason people think they can ask you any questions like was the mother a drug user or the kids taken away or whatever. I say she was a very nice woman and leave it at that and if they ask what race, I say its human

Answer 11

The best adoptive parents have generally been the most open.

Answer 12

Interesting issue. I completely think that info about the child's birth family is nobody elses business other than the child's. However, I am also a big believer in not keeping secrets. I tend to be the kind of person who shares a lot about myself and therefore I share a lot about my children (adopted an not). I don't mean in a gossiping way, I just mean in an open way. I think you run the risk of people making up stories or assuming the worst and being afraid of what to ask and what to say and how especially to talk to the child. A child who was adopted needs to know their "Story." The story, first of all, needs to be the truth. It needs to be explained to the child in a way that is age appropriate. The child needs to know their story from the very beginning. You need to start telling it to them as soon as you get home with your child -- that way it will become no big deal to talk about and the words will come easily and you never have to worry about when to talk about it. You absolutely have to expect that people are going to ask about the circumstances of the birth parents lives. People are curious and don't necessarily know that this is private information that you don't want to share. But what about when your child asks? And what about when you need someone to talk to? And what about when your child starts talking on their own to friends and family members? It needs to be okay for your child to know his/her story and for them to decide with whom and how they want share the information. It can't be about you then. Perhaps you need to look at your own assumptions about what you think of the birhtparents situation. I can't even think of a negative judgement I might have for the child based on the circumstances around his birth and adoption that would prejudice me against the him. Be careful about why you need to keep information secret -- just try to figure out what it is that you need to keep so secret and why.

Answer 13

It's honestly nobodys business. The circumstances of a childs relinquishment, if known, belong to the child and are for the child to share if and when that child feels comfortable sharing.

I would just say that I am not comfortable sharing such personal details about my childs history without their consent.

Answer 14

I recently have had my brother In law and sister in law adopt and I think it is personally no ones business if you feel you don't want to share that personal information with people.  Do what you feel is right for your child.

Answer 15

There is no need to discuss anything with anyone outside the immediate family...i.e. you and your husband. I would not even discuss with the other children if you have any. Let people ask. Ignore the question and go on to something else. It is none of their business. Your child can decide when/if they want to disclose that information. Good luck. p.s. don't spend too much time preparing....it takes a long long time!

Answer 16

I'm not sure what to say but i am a birth mom and during the process the adopted mom had a baby shower like thing and everyone wrote in a book lil tid bits to the baby. i went into labor that night and they hoped a plane and came to watch the birth. in the days at the hospital to follow. she gave me the book to read. just so i would know some of the nice things people had said to her. she was in such a hurry she hadn't quite read through them all just the 1st few pgs. and it said things like god bless me for giving them the child they so desearved. towards the back of the book some lady wrote too them and said "How wounderful it is for them to take this child out of a awful bad life that it would have had to live and give it so much more. and to give it a better set of parents."

this hurt me. it was not the case. people asume that if a child is gaven up the mom is a crack w***e. on drugs, or a teenager that shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. i have 4 other kids. i was married and fixing to go through a divorce. i was working 3 jobs and trying my hardest to be a good mom. i knew that they could give her a better home. here were these people who had no kids and couldn't have any and i had 5 that i couldn't afford.

Answer 17

People who judge; or pry for this information; do not understand the reality of adoption. Adoption; hurts at least one party involved; if not 2, or 3. That being momma, baby, and daddy. To many times; I hear people saying their child's natural mother wasn't preyed on; to get that that baby. Hmmm; funny; the people in my situation; most of my friends with their situations; would tell you the same; but we all were. In my household; we have talked about bringing an older foister child in; to many times I heard from my own sister; they come with issues; babies don't. Hello? Did you miss your sister; being me tried to kill herself because she loss your nephew; her son to adoption. Why? I was healthy, white, and no drug addictions. I am by far from racist. Oh; I forgot the best one; I am Catholic; or should I say was Catholic. My suggestion to you; is please don't hurt another mother/child this way. It HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Why not look in the foster care system; open your home to an older child? Oh; let me tell you the best part my sister is a guidance counselor. She should know better then; to say that these children come with issues. But; thats who we have in our school systems. Look at the Stephanie Bennett case; these guidance counselors should be advised of the damage they are doing. Don't get me wrong I love my sister; but she doesn't understand the reality of adoption. In my house we do; my husband sees the reality of what baby showers/ 1 year old bday parties do to me; and I would put money on it; my son's parents don't know I was preyed on; so they could have my son. I am very open about my story now; and most adoptive mothers cringed at my story. They shudder in disgust at my mother's part in it. And; I know they hope this is not their case; but so many times it is; how scary is that?