What is your opinion on contacting your son you gave up for adoption 20 years ago?

Question

What is your opinion on contacting your son you gave up for adoption 20 years ago?

Answer 1

You knew in the past that one day this day would come. It is up to you to make the choice to contact or not. If you do contact your son don`t take anything for granted. Try to be his friend not his father, you gave up that role when you gave him away. Also try to explain to him over time why you made the choice that you did, and that all you want from him is his friendship.

Answer 2

Go for it!  What do you have to lose?

Answer 3

Let him make contact if he wants to

My birth mother left an letter with the adoption agency when i was about 25 saying if i wanted to contact her she was open to it. i met her when i was 29..

I think if she had tried to get in contact with me it would have felt to overwhelming.

Having the letter there for me when I decided I was ready was great....i knew she still thought of me, but was caring enough to let me make contact.

Good Luck

Answer 4

I also gave a son up for adoption almost 20 years ago and my info is in the record along with letters I wrote to him over the years . Now that he is of age, he or I can initiate correspondence but ever since he was born I had said it would be his choice, not mine to barge into his life. If he wants to talk or meet, he has that right to do so but I gave him up and I feel I have no right to open things up that could upset him in any way. He has the letters, he knows I didnt forget him and he knows I would be happy to meet him but it will be on his terms.

Answer 5

I am a strong believer in adoptees and birth families reuniting.  I would however recommend using an intermediary.  If you have a relative or a mutual friend that can do this, that will work.  Also there are many online adoption support groups that have people who are very experienced with making contact.  

While 20 is an adult, it is still rather young.   I have also noticed that men are less likely than women to search or request reunion.  

Good luck!

Answer 6

As an adoptive mom, I must say that I constantly think about the day my son wants to meet his bio-parents OR they want to meet him.  As much as I don't want that to occur while he is a child, once he is an adult, he will be old enough to make his own decision on the matter.  

I thank God every day for the blessing his bio-parents gave to us when they made an adoption plan for their child.  However, I also know that there were some other issues there that caused them to make that decision.  My son won't be able to understand any of that until he is older.  

I guess what I'm saying is that I "know" that day will come when my son's bio-parents want to meet him or vice versa.  Since you said the child was at least 20 yrs old, I would respect any decision the child made - but I would leave the decision up to the child.

Answer 7

I say don't do it. Coming from someone who was adopted, if he wanted to meet you he would have found a way to contact you himself by now. Just leave well enough alone and the best thing you can do for him is just to pray for him.

Answer 8

I am a big supporter of reunions between adoptees and bio-families. :)

Answer 9

Perhaps contact a close friend or adopted family member first to find out how he may feel about it?  By 20 years of age, he may be quite ready to meet his birth mom.  But it's always good to proceed with caution.

Best wishes!

Answer 10

Contact him.  Baby steps though, and try to have your expectations in check.  As for the other suggestions about contacting someone else first, don't bother.  Your son knows himself best, and any intentions by you could easily be swept aside and/or misinterpreted by someone else.

Contact him.

Answer 11

There have been some good answers posted here but I'll add mine anyways.I say either write a letter or call the adopted parents explaining who you are and you would like some contact with child and to please respond back to you or have the child. At that age perhaps contacting the child might be best, but what about that slim chance that he doesn't know he was adopted.

Answer 12

I'd say go for it!!! Just make sure you stay in contact and not up and leave. He is your blood and if he does not want you in his life at that time, he will let you know. He is 20 and a adult. Good luck!!

Answer 13

i think its a great idea im 29 have never met biological parents but would love to it would b nice if they took the first step

Answer 14

i would try you never know unless you do.  i have heard many good stories about biological parents finding their sons/ daughters.

Answer 15

A couple easy steps.

1. Don't contact if you are planning leave, unless you are on your deathbed.

2. Make sure you are something he can be proud of. I'm not saying you need to be rich, or pretty, but if you are a drug-addict, alcoholic,etc., clean yourself up before you contact him. That is something a son doesn't need to feel.

3. Make the most of it.

Answer 16

I was relinquished for adoption at birth.  I always thought it was my birth parents´ responsibility to find me...they didn´t...so when I was 42 I finally found them.  They were really reluctant, and our contact only lasted for a few months.  But it was SOOO worth it!

At least he gets to choose, but you´ll have to respect his wishes...I really do recommend working through an intermediary for the initial contact.  I think you´ll need to wait until he is 21 years old in some states.

I also think it is BAD advice to try to contact him through his adoptive parents.  This is HIS decision, not theirs.  And it will also be his decision as to whether or not he wants his two sets of parents to have contact.

Answer 17

Well, as an adopted child (I can't speak for all of us) would want you to wait till I found you. You would not know what is going on in our life. Anouther thing, the hardest thing for me was I wanted to know why my biological mother gave me and several other children away, know that I know, I don't even want to think about it... Talk to the adoptive parents first, if you insist on contacting him get their opinion other wise wait for him to come to you. I know it may be hard but trust me, if you want to have a relationship with him, take it easy.... Also dont push the whole "mom" thing, thats one reason I don't speak to my biological mother

Answer 18

go for it but really proceed with caution.

Answer 19

leave him alone, write a letter with your info, if he wants to meet you he will contact you, otherwise, let it be

Answer 20

I would be completly honest with him. Explain to him that at the time you couldn't offer him the life a child should have. Be giving him up was one of the hardest things to do but yet again the smartest. Make sure you tell him you did all this for him and only him. Good luck with yourdecision

Answer 21

I would ask an intermediary first, like the person's adoptive parents.  They might be able to give you an idea how something like that would affect him or her.

Answer 22

I think it's a great idea if the parent plans to stay in contact. Finding him only to leave him again is pointless and hurtful.

Answer 23

I would contact the Adoptive Parents first....protect him, he is still young. It would come to him better through them than you. I would be the parent....don't open his wound for him...let the adoptive parents know you are interested in pursuing this and see if they think he would be receptive. Best of Luck....I personally think the child you placed for adoption should meet you, if he was my son I would encourage him to meet you.... If nothing more than to tie things up for him....This is where I came from....In some way this woman loved me. Please if you didn't love him and you aren't ready to be a positive influence in his life don't pursue this....But if you are open communications let them know you are interested in talking to him if he would be interested in talking to you. Best of Luck.