What kind of effect does relinquishing a child, have on an extended family. Any suggestions for these people?

Question

What kind of effect does relinquishing a child, have on an extended family. Any suggestions for these people?

Answer 1

Please remember to listen to logic and weed out blazing responses.

Adoption is a difficult choice for all involved.  The effect on extended family varies.  Some birth parents never tell anyone other than their immediate family about placement.  This allows the immediate family to participate in the planning process.  Is there someone within the family who may wish to adopt the baby?  

The end result is what is best for the child AND his/her parents.  Speaking from personal experience as an adoptee-I am ever so thankful that my parents realized they could not care for me in the manner necessary to ensure that I would become the best possible person.  I have met my birth parents and thanked them for the sacrifice as I know they would never have given me the background.  

There are councilors who specialize in adoption and placement counseling for all involved.  It's best for the family to understand that the parents did what they thought were best.

Best of luck to the family.

Answer 2

Yeah they lose a loved family member.. to some person who bought them for a buck....

When a child is taken and sold off in adoption the child is  not just taken from the parents but the WHOLE FAMILY.

Answer 3

I understand that it is hard on the extended families, but it is ultimately the choice of the mother what to do with her baby.  That is like saying that the extended family can tell a woman that she can not have an abortion.

Answer 4

It has a huge effect on the extended family.  That is why giving a child up for adoption should be avoided at all costs.

Answer 5

This is somewhat difficult for me to share here in Y!A, but I will try because you are the one who asked the question.

When I was a young girl (probably about 5 or 6), I was very close to several of my cousins.  Sadly, unbeknownst to us, they were being abused in the home.  They were removed by the state and placed into foster care.  In those days, the state felt that ANY contact with the bio family was wrong and we were not allowed to know anything about them until they turned 18 and found us.  As a young girl, my parents couldn't explain well enough for me to understand why my cousins were no longer my cousins and why we couldn't play dolls anymore.  I didn't realize back then how difficult it was on my parents too losing their nieces and feeling somewhat responsible for reporting the abuse.  For me, I just remember feeling so lost and wondering if someone was going to come take me away from my mom & dad.  At the time, I had no idea about the type of abuse or what was involved so I just thought that the state came and took kids.  My parents were always whispering about it and I thought they were making plans to get rid of me!  I never said anything out of fear.  It was only in the last 10 years or so that my parents & I talked about it.  My parents never knew how I felt - and I obviously, was too young to understand things.

The good news for us though was that as each of the cousins turned 18, they did find us and got back in touch with us.  I've attended most of their weddings and we were all reunited recently due to the illness and death of our grandmother.  I even talked to several of them when we were considering adoption to understand things from their perspective before we started.  They supported our decision to adopt 110%.  It meant the world to me to have their support and their guidance through the process. I guess that is why having my son's bio-grandparents in his life is so important to us now.

Answer 6

bizzi91 has a very skewed view of adoption . . . the child isn't "sold for a buck" . . . any fees (usually less than $500) are earmarked and use for the legal fees, especially if the family is adopting a child from the FOSTER CARE SYSTEM, meaning the bio family wasn't able to get things sufficiently together to make sure their child would be safe returning to their home.

Yes, the family does lose a family member, and they feel that loss every day. However, some members of the family (the parents, maybe?) weren't able to, or didn't care to, improve the situation(s) that caused removal of the child.

I get the feeling that bizzi91 may have that kind of axe to grind against foster care related adoptions.

Answer 7

jacks them up for life.

Answer 8

Well, for my mom and dad, it was rough when I relinquished.  My mom also gave a baby up for adoption in 1972, so when I was going through the adoption process in 2000, I think some things 'came back' for her.  In some ways, it was rough because for her, it was the beginning and the end of her time with her son.  In other ways, I think it went okay for her because she saw how different it was for me, planning an open adoption, and seeing just how involved I was in every single step.  After my baby was born, I know my mom looked at it like someone had died (she said this) and I think that's because of her experience.  So that had to be hard, obviously.  But since then, when I receive pictures and letters, it does give her some peace that I know she didn't have for herself.  So it goes back and forth, back and forth.

For my dad, he just had a lot of disconnect.  I'm not sure how he has dealt with it all, he's not really a talker.  I know he likes to see the pictures I get, and always makes a nice comment.

For my sister, I don't think that she sees my baby as her 'neice' or anything, but I know she's very proud of me and knows she would not have been able to make the same decisions I have.

My aunts and grandma love to hear about her and see pictures.  I don't think it's been difficult for them, and they respect my decisions as well.

As for "suggestions for these people", that's kind of vague.  Do you have a family that you are offering advice to?  My advice would be to tell them to support the birthmom/birthdad, and be accepting of however she may handle relinquishing.  If she has a hard time, accept that and support her.  If she doesn't, accept that and support her.  Let her be the guide.  It's firstly her experience and secondly theirs.  If any member of the extended family has issues with the adoption, I'd ask them to seek counseling to deal with the issues, rather than offering too strong of emotions to the birthmom- most times, I wouldn't think she could handle it.  She's got enough going on without trying to "help someone else" through it, too.

Hope that helps~

Answer 9

Although everyone's story is different, I can only share my family situations.  I wasn't relinquished until I was 13 months old, due to a bad set of circumstances that occurred in my family.  They felt relinquishment would be better for me.  

My extended family on my first father's side were very upset about my relinquishment.  It took my grandmother a long time to forgive my father.  

On my first mother's side, she didn't tell anyone.  She had been estranged from her family during the couple of years during which she was pregnant and raising me.  They were happily surprised later when they found out about me.  

Another situation in my family has to do with my husband's sister.  Just a few years ago, he found out that his sister relinquished a baby girl in 1974.  My husband wants to know his niece, as does their father.  Their mother passed away already, but apparently she always wanted to meet her, as well.