What kind of research should one do before adopting?

Question

I've seen people go on and on abuot doing research before adopting. YEARS of research they say but what kind of things are they researching?

The effects adoption has on children? Read any BJ Lifton? Primal Wound anyone? How to have an adoption that is ethical? What fees are actually appropriate and/or how to know your agency isn't fleecing you? Did anyone actually bother to research the beloved TAX CREDIT before taking it? Psychological aspects of adoption for adoptive parents because everybody knows that adoption doesn't actually cure infertility...right? Exactly what kind of research did you do?

or is your research about something else?

Answer 1

My #1 priority during all of my research has been "what will it be like for the child?  What's best for them?"  Maybe 1% of my "research" included how to go about the process.  Honestly, I called up an agency, they sent me the paperwork, and that was the entire extent of my research into "how".  Before that, we spent 2.5 years on the "why" - we're not infertile that we're aware of, and we don't want to know whether or not we're fertile because we DO NOT want our children to feel as though they are simply a replacement for what we can't have.  I joined a lot of internet groups for adoption (all of them focused on foster care, adopting older children, adopting kids with high needs, etc.).  This research was very helpful, but it still didn't tell me what it was LIKE to be an adoptee.  I got a great big wad of information about what it's like to parent high needs kids (and what NOT to do - some of those people are horrible to those poor kids).  I read a lot of books, buying almost anything that said "adoption".  Most of them were discarded because they had to do with how to procure a womb-fresh infant as quickly and cheaply as possible, and that doesn't apply to us.  One of them was all about a couple that had 19 children (most of them adopted), and they advocated physical abuse.  That one went in the trash before I got to chapter 3.  I read a lot of web sites, joined anything that said "adoption" (and to my horror, I realized after coming here that I was a member of the NCFA - not having a clue what it was).  I read up on FASD, RAD, and tons of other disorders.  Anything we were likely to come accross, we studied.  We both work with high-needs kids - some were abused, some have mental illness, some have organic brain damage, etc.  

I was really frustrated during the five years between our first conversation about adoption, and when I found this place, because I found very little information on what it was actually like being an adoptee.  I devoured anything I could that dealt with being a hurt child (Helping children cope with separation and loss was a huge book for me, and I think all PAP's should read it - it's not geared toward PAP's, but I knew that it would be a huge trauma to lose their first parents).  After coming here, I feel like it has all come together.  I was right about a lot of stuff (like, it hurts to be separated from your family, even if they were hurting you), but I didn't realize the extent of the loss, and I didn't realize that I wouldn't be able to "love it away".

I've learned more since I've been here than in all the other research I've done.  Of course, I read message boards, blogs, and whatever I can get my hands on, but I found it all here.  Whenever I hear of a friend wanting to adopt these days, I recommend they grow a thick skin and come here.  I think it's important to hear adoptees and first families uncensored before doing anything.  It's also important to understand that adoption might not be the best available choice, and that it should ALWAYS be about the child.

We didn't want to adopt because of infertility.  We wanted to adopt because we figured we wanted to be parents anyway, and we had the skills and desire to care for a special needs child - WITHOUT making them feel "grateful" (they didn't ask us to work with high needs kids, they didn't ask us to adopt them, they didn't ask for their parents to abuse them or be addicts...etc.) - so...why not?  But I consider it our most important job, as future parents of adoptees, to understand (as best we can, from an outsider's perspective) what it means to be adopted, and to be as validating as humanly possible of that experience.  It is not our job to change them, or to create their feelings, or mold them to what/who we want them to be, or ask them to feel the feelings we think are appropriate...it is our job to join them where they are, to stand in the center of the fire with them and not shrink back, no matter how hot it gets.

ETA:  Oh, and the lady who does my taxes (who I recently found out is an adoptee, and possibly a black market baby) is looking into the tax credit.  She gives me little tidbits of information as she learns it.  If I'm not mistaken, the tax credit was originally supposed to help people adopt from foster care, but without restrictions, everyone uses it - and it ends up helping rich people adopt foreign children or babies much more than it helps those who adopt from foster care.  We don't make much, so it probably won't help us much.  *shrug*  We didn't even know there were "financial benefits" to adopting until after we were well into the process.

Answer 2

deja vu

There was a similar question earlier.  There are more answers here:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

eta: Isabel, I wasn't meaning to be snotty or anything. Your question is a bit different.  I just thought the other answers might add something. It's an important question.  

I'll fess up - When I adopted I knew there was a tax credit, but I assumed it was only for people who adopted from foster care.  Why would taxpayers be expected to kick in towards either private or overseas adoption?

Also, I did check the financial statements of the agencies I was looking into. Some of them were horrifying. It's not that I wanted to "bargain shop" but I didn't think people should be getting rich off it.

Answer 3

Honestly, we weren't actually expecting to adopt for many years. We met our sons mom (again after 7 years) the week before my daughters 1st b-day. Long story short, he was born 2 months later and came home 2 week after being in the NICU. Years of research can't make up for heart. I'm not saying that just because one researches a lot that they don't have a heart, but for me I let my heart lead me a lot. There were a few things I just KNEW I wanted in regards to our adoption:

1- An open adoption. I want his family to feel free to call when they want, visit when they want. Just be part of his life

2-I wanted legal temporary of him while pending the adoption. If his parents had a change of heart, It would have been a mater of them revoking their permission for me to care for him, and they would have him back. If we would ave used an agency, they would ave taken custody, and pressured mom to relinquish ASAP. with our son, she relinquished when he was 1.5.

3- I would always be honest with my son, even if it hurts.

4- If someone in the family doesn't treat him the same, then they aren't my family anymore.

5- He can be as close to his mom as he wants.

I didn't have to read a book to know what's right.

Answer 4

The research they should be doing is the aftermath of what happens in adoption and what their child *might* think when s/he grows up - such as "Why couldn't my bio mom have kept me?" or "Why didn't I get that other life? Did I deserve to have my parents taken away from me?"

And of course I think some of the most important research are the things that you won't hear from an agency.

They won't tell you that someday your child might hear their biological mother's voice on the other side of the microphone, crying for them to come back in a foreign language.

They won't tell you that the biological parents are repressed from showing any sort of grief for DECADES.

They won't tell you that one day your child might wake up and think, "Hey, this should have been my language. It's so easy for my mother to speak, so why can't I speak it too?!"

That's why adoptee blogs exist.

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/

http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/

http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot....

http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/

Adoptive parents and prospective parents might just learn something.

ETA - Gaia Raain: You have no idea how relieving it feels to have someone finally acknowledge that adoptees and first mothers need to be - to REALLY be heard. THANK YOU.

Answer 5

Hi Isabel,

Instead of being spoon fed information from adoption agencies, pap's should research adoption from the Adoptees and First parents pov.  If you don't research all sides of adoption then you are truly NOT making an informed decision.  

I know it sounds simplistic but i fear its overlooked all too often.

**today there are some great blogs out there too.