What kind of support can one give to an adopted child?

Question

If an adoptee feels sadness about being relinquished, what if anything, can one, particularly adoptive parents, do to help them express and resolve their grief if they have any?

Answer 1

Be constant in their life, let them know in words and in actions how much you care.  If it is an older child words will mean less in the beginning.  They need to know you mean what you say, and thus may "test" what you say.  Just be there for them, listen (listen, listen, listen).  Open your heart.  Grieve with them, hug them.  Share your heart with them, even if you do not understand what they are going through.. be honest and open about that but that you are there to go through it with them.   They may reject that, but again consistency and just being there for them will earn your trust.

Answer 2

Just be there for them. Be a good listener. Do not say anything negative about the birth mother. Let them talk about their feelings. I know that is what my adoptive parents did. They let me cry on their shoulder, they would listen to me. so, i knew i could go to them when ever i was feeling sad. I'm glad you asked this question. I think all want what is best for us...letting us express ourselves is one way. There may be times we say things that may hurt, please do not take in personally as an adoptive parents. Sometimes it's our feelings talking. again just being there for us, is a big help!

Answer 3

There are SO many things you can do to help.  You can listen and asking him/her questions is a good thing!  Sometimes that will get him/her talking about other issues that may be behind the feelings.  Try counseling if your help don't seem to be working, but don't wait a long time.

I am a birth mother myself and I have to thank God for wonderful adoptive parents, as we did open and I get to see her, she knows who I am and is able to ask me any question she may have.  Sometimes if possible the source of the relinquishment may be the best.  Since they know exactly why the child was placed for adoption.  Not only can questions be answered but the child knows who the birth parent/s are and not searching half of their adult life to find them.  Feelings of something missing, not knowing of other sibblings.

Since the adoption 7 years ago I remarried and have a 5year old son, who is close to his older sister.  When she is asked about adoption she says that one word comes to mind...SPECIAL...Don't get me wrong ALL children are special but that is how she feels.  She has grown up knowing she was adopted and that I picked her mommy and daddy out since I could not give her the life I wanted her to have.  And really relinquished is such a hard word esp for a child.  Trust me I do understand that is exactly what it is, as in the rights of the birth parent/s but that sounds so negitive like it is a bad thing.

Try not to say negitive things about the birth parent/s if there are around him/her.  Make the adoption a positive thing like it is.  Honesty is always the best policy! And be supportive!

**Just a note**

I don't know if the adoption was open or closed so him/her meeting the birth parent/s is an option, but be supportive if him/her want to locate their birth parents down the road if closed or open but not a good situation.

Answer 4

Acceptance and acknowledgment.

Acceptance of who they are and not who they should be.

Acknowledgment of the pain they suffer even when it is not understood.

Acceptance of the desire and right to know who they are and where they came from.

Acknowledgment of the harsh tactics often used to bring them to this "forever" family.

Acceptance of the bond formed in utero.

Acknowledgment of the sense of loss mingled with feelings of sorrow and pain brought on by separation at birth.

Answer 5

Talk to the kid about it.  Bring up the subject now and then if the child doesn't.  When I read about Verrier saying "You miss her, don't you?" to her adopted infant, I cried.  My a'parents were great, but I grew up thinking I was "not allowed" to miss my first family, that even thinking about them would be disloyal.  This was NOT a notion I got from my a'parents, but from society, from people all around me who could never seem to say the word "adopted" without wrinkling their noses a little.  My a'parents had no idea I felt that way because we never talked about adoption much unless I brought it up, and I thought it would be disloyal to bring it up, etc., etc., so you can see how this was a problem....

Answer 6

I was adopted and when my mother told me she told me not to tell my father that I knew as he would get mad at me knowing. And that when she was young she found she couldn't have her own children and it was only my father who wanted me not her. She only wanted my older brother who they adopted 2 yrs earlier. So of course my sadness ran deep and still does. I think if the parents both talk openly and honestly to their adopted child and show as much love and support as they can it will somewhat ease an unsettling time. I was also told not to ever look for my biological parents as it would upset my mother to much. Parents should encourage the child to find out as much as they want so they can make informed decisions about what they would like to do. As long as they know and feel loved it will go a long way. I wish I had that. Hope this helped.

Answer 7

Many people say listen, and I agree with that, but also ask questions. Bring up adoption every so often. Don't just wait for the child to bring it up. Make adoption not a taboo subject, but a "comfortable" one.

Another thing, avoid cliches. Tell the truth. "They loved you so much that they gave you to us" or other sayings like that do not help. Even if the story is a "hard" one (all are, imo) I think it is still better to know the truth. Don't downplay anything.

Be a shoulder to cry on, a support. If you're the parent, act like a parent. Don't make your child responsible for your emotions.

Answer 8

It will depend on many things.  

It will depend on the circumstances that caused the separation.  If the mother was stressed during her pregnancy, it is important to try to discover what the stressors were.  For instance, if the mother was not supported during her pregnancy and felt she had no choice but to surrender her child, this will impact the child's emotional state as well.  The child will probably experience abandonment long before birth.

If the mother, during pregnancy, was abandoned by the father, abused, lost a loved one, or had major job stresses, these things will also affect the child.  The fetus has shown to experience these stressors as if they happened to him/herself.  Studies of these effects have been going on as early as WWII on pregnant women who lost their husbands in the war.

Even if it was a joyful pregnancy and positively anticipated and then perhaps the mother died in childbirth, the child experiences this, too, as abandonment and must be allowed to mourn his/her loss.  If the loss is ignored (believed not to be "remembered"), the child's grief will remain unresolved and, in all likelihood, deeply buried.

The infant brain is producing neurons and creating pathways regarding Relationship that will be his/her blueprint for behaviors later in life, including adulthood.

So, to address, resolve, and help the child manage these influences, it is extremely helpful to understand the situations that will have impacted the fetus and neonate.

If all these things are unknown, the best possible course of support is to assume the worst and embark on a method of parenting that will reinforce, repeatedly, positive relational pathways.  The most effective method will utilize as many Attachment Parenting methods as possible.

Typical western methods of parenting will only exacerbate and intensify problematic bonding/attachment.  Cribs in separate rooms, "cry it out" or "ferberizing" methods, extended hours in daycare (or changes in daycare personnel), etc. all represent further abandonment to the infant.

Assuming that the adoptive parents have made every effort to establish positive relational pathways, the child will feel unconditionally loved and accepted and free to express his/her grief.  In these moments, the adoptive parents should respond immediately with empathy and honesty.  Every time.

If adoptive parents feel they are not well enough equipped to do this on their own, a qualified attachment therapist (not one of the thousands of cheesy scammers) may be able to help.

Answer 9

one of my best friends is adopted, and he talks to us bout wat he feels and he said that the best thing that we can do is to sit and talk to the adopted child (jay in my case) if thats wat they want, u should treat them any differently you should act normal around them, because we are basically the same but the adopted child is not lucky enough to have biological parents, jus parents who would do everything and anything to help the child with there needs and or emotional feelings watever they case maybe     : )

Answer 10

That's a really great question.  I wish I knew.  Listening is great of course but, unfortunately it seems that a vast majority of adoptees don't get in touch with their feelings of grief and loss until they're adults.  So, I guess it's vital to remember that you REALLY need to be there for them, to listen, to support and console them when they're grown.

A lot of adoptees have really rocky teen years and act very angry and rebellious.  The fact is that we ARE angry, but not aware of WHY.  So, a lot of patience and understanding is needed.  You can't rush the process, it will take as long as it takes, and may never be completely 'resolved'.  Trust me, no one would like to resolve it more than I would, but I'm starting to think it's just part of who I am and it's more a process of Acceptance than resolution.

Answer 11

Encourage creative outlets, let them know you are there for them and will listen w/o prejudice.  Maybe share stories from your childhood about an experience where you felt sad, etc.

Answer 12

Read.

Lifton & Verrier.