What level of openness do you suggest for an adoption?

Question

What level of openness do you suggest for an adoption?

Answer 1

Choose an adoption plan that is agreeable with the adoptive family and the birth family. Not all birth mom's want an open relationship, some do. Consider your personality as well.

Open adoptions can be very emotionally charged and you have to be able to handle that. Just because a birth mom has chosen to give her baby to you doesn't mean she will be without a feeling of loss or doubt. In many cases it can blossom to a beautiful relationship with the right chemistry.

Most of all you have to think about the child. I personally believe open adoption is the best option for everyone involved, especially the child. It also offers many advantages for the adoptive parents and the birth mother.

Never agree to an open adoption plan with a birth mother unless you are committed to honoring her wishes. That's just wrong.

Answer 2

I receive a letter and pictures once a year around my son's birthday and I really enjoy seeing how well he is doing. I have never responded to the letters except once or twice when the parents asked me questions about medical history that was not answered in the initial papers. I am happy with this arrangement.

Answer 3

My daughters both adopted from Russia so there would be no openness. They want to be the mothers, period.

A friend's daughter gave up her baby for adoption and she was adopted by the mom's cousin. That could be very open, but they haven't told the little girl yet. the bio mom is just Heidi to her.

My brother is my cousin, too, but he's always known. His mother never came around because my mom told her not to.

Answer 4

Whatever level the birth mother and the adoptive parents are most comfortable with.

I like the idea of open adoption because it maintains that connection to the biological mom.  Those connections are so important to the child.  

You can have any level of openness that you want: weekly contact, less frequently but still regular contact, irregular contact, yearly updates and pictures or no contact at all.

Find out what all parties are most comfortable with.  If you're the birth mom & you haven't chosen an adoptive family yet then go through your heart & seek out what you think would be best for all concerned (especially the child) and find an adoptive family with that same philosophy.

Answer 5

This is a question with lots of possible answers and controversies and needs lots of information about you to be answered well. I would talk to an adoption lawyer and a therapist who specializes in adoption. This is something that could have a major impact on your life and the life of your child. To a certain extnet, you want to be sure to make your decisions correctly so that you don't have lots of problems in the future over it. However, things can be changed sometimes. Until recent years, most adoptions were closed and that was just accepted as how it was and it was thought best. Now there are families where adoptions are semi open or completely open and many people feel this works out better. A lot depends on the stability of the adults involved and how secure they feel in their roles in the kid's life. The child definitely needs to have only one mother and only one father and only they should be the authority figures in the child's life. If the child has an ongoing relationship with their birthparents it needs to be undrerstood completely by everyone that this relationship is not to be that of a mother and father. The child will have birthparents and their roll will need to be defined and will need to be confined to how it is defined. Decisons about the openness in an adoption are major and should be worked out with a professional that you feel comfortable with and like. The professional should have no personal involvement with the adoption and should be capable of working with you on how you feel about this issue and informing you of how your point of view is valid and working with you on it with that in mind.

Answer 6

I am a birthmother and have been in a very very closed adoption and a very very open one. As a birthmother for me I truly was more happier with the open adoption. But, it is based all on what you can deal with. Some people are ok with it and some arent. Its a personal choice you have to make no matter what side of it your on. For me as a birth mother I much rathered my bio child know all about me from the start so he was never shocked and made to feel ashamed of being adopted. I got pictures and phone calls and became amazing friends with the parents. In fact when he passed away I was just as much a part of the funeral as they were. I know I could never have gotten through it all with out them and visa versa. However for some birthmothers and adoptive parents its just easier not to know and not to get involved. On either side you need to choose what you want and keep searching for that exact level of openess. This is not a choice made easily by either party and it needs to be right for all.

Answer 7

As much openness as the bio and adoptive parents are comfortable with is best for the child.

Answer 8

I would never do anything more than pictures and letters sent to the agency for birthparents to pick up when they want to.

We agreed to meet the birth mother before birth, and after birth we are to send pictures once a year until the 18th birthday.  I would never do anything more than that.  Our daughter is ours, and while I am extremely greatful to her birthmother for giving us this gift...her birth mother was a 42 year old woman who just kept having babies she didn't want.  

I guess if it was a teen girl who loved the baby and realized she couldn't give him or her the life they deserve, I might allow a visit here and there, but not allow them to refer to themself and "mom".

Answer 9

Let me tell you, I am an natural mother and I gave my son up for adoption in a private, open adoption to a family that my cousin knew.  We grew close and they said that they would keep in touch, send pictures, etc. but after the first 6 months, they stopped writing.  I feel violated and so hurt.  I don't know where he is, how he is...if he's dead or alive and I suggest to you that no matter what position you are in, the adoptive or natural mother, that you make darn sure that you get EVERYTHING in writing.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Well it is really up to you and the other party involved.. Everyone's situations are different and why they chose what they choose so that is something that you need to sit down ans discuss with them.. I would want an open one so that the child knows who their birthmom is and why she placed them for adoption.. Everyone is different though at what they choose..

Answer 11

Whatever is comfortable for the adoptive parents.  When we first considered adoption, we did not like the idea of having the biological family involved.  When we were asked by the bio-grandparents (whom we were adopting from because of the child's situation) if they could visit or exchange pictures, we weren't sure what to do.  However, as we went thru the adoption process and realized how wonderful they were and how they respected all of our decisions, we knew that we had to keep them in our son's life.  We now seem them at least once a month, talk to them regularly on the telephone, and visit with them a week every year for vacation.  It's a wonderful experience for our son, and they respect any decisions we make or how we talk about the adoption.  In other words, when we visit and our son asks who different pictures are in the house, they allow us to answer those questions rather than become involved with possibly interfering with our family.  For us, the openness with the bio-grandparents has been wonderful, however, we would not involve the bio-parents at this time or allow any form of openness because of the danger to our son - simply because of their lifestyle and mental state.

Good luck to you.

Answer 12

First, April I'm so sorry on the loss of your child.  It sounds like you had the perfect situation that worked for both you and the adoptive parents.

As for the level of openness, you have to go with what your family feels it can handle and what is best for both the child and the birthmother.  There is so much family history that adopted children lose without any connection to a birthparent.  The birth mother may be feeling the same as you. You may want to speak with her and ask her how involved she wants to be. Then start thinking of a plan that you both are okay with.