What more can I do about my 11 year old son being destructive, violent and bullying me and his sisters.

Question

My son has been increasingly destructive and angry a lot. My husband his stepfather thought we shouldn't let him play football, but the counselor said he should, but we should partner with his coach to give him positive reinforcement for good behavior. He is always good at his friends, at school and in sports. But at our house he has been trying to pit me and my husband against each other. Says a lot of mean things to my husband to try to make him mad. My husband has gotten angry and lost his temper, he isn't physically violent, but has yelled and cussed when my son acts out. My son is very disrespectful to me and he has also broken a bunch of windows, including a window in our truck cap, broke a necklace my husband gave me for Christmas, put some holes in the wall in the stairway of our house, and more. The counselor is coming over Wed, she will talk to me my son and my husband and we will try to come up with some solutions. I think my husband needs to walk away more often, which he has been getting better at, but sometimes I don't want to blame him, but I think he exacerbates the problem. Does anyone have any suggestions for me.

Answer 1

Wow your son is really an angry one. Yup, its just real plain anger. Counsellors are pathetic, were not in the 1960's anymore where you can just tell your son of and he'll never do it again. You need to be serious about him . Take away all his privelages, dont speak  to him for about 10 hours after hes been rude. Be happy with your partner and he'll accept defeat. Btw he might be getting bullied at school or something , so check that out

Answer 2

I agree with Lindsay when my mum got together with this guy they stayed together for 5 years and now they've split for good...my brother was always grumpy and couldn't last one conversation with my mum with out yelling or making my mum cry.I'm not saying you and your husband should split but maybe you should try to involve him more in house hold decisions maybe hes feeling as though you don't treat him as an equal any more now that you have gotten remarried and that you don't care about what he thinks so just get him more involved and remind him that he is apart of the family with a respected voice to say in things.  

Answer 3

your husband should not be disciplining your son at all. he needs to be the good guy. it needs to be you that imposes the discipline. i understand he's angry and maybe rightly so - he probably feel powerless when your husband becomes angry at him (he is bigger and more intimitating after all). keep seeing the counselor and i would suggest he or she help you develop a behavior plan that will help to address your son's behaviors - each behavior and step by step instructions on how to act and react, hopefully one that limits your son's dangerous outbursts. you might even learn how to restrain someone who is becoming a danger like you describe (at least to de-escalate his anger). good luck.

Answer 4

Wow. He's eleven?

He needs serious help. It's only going to get worse.

Get him in therapy once a week. Take him to anger management courses. He'll fight you on this, but tell him it's either that or boot camp. I'm guessing he'll pick therapy.

Answer 5

This is more than just a power struggle, pal- your son has some serious issues with anger, and he's learned that violence is the way to solve problems. THAT is something that NO kid should EVER learn, especially not a boy that age. This is only going to get worse the longer it goes on- and your husband is not helping matters when he yells at your son. Actually, he's rewarding the boy, because that is exactly what your son wants- to make his stepdad mad and to scare and intimidate you and your daughters. He's learned that he can get his own way by doing this, and that you will not stand up to him because you are scared of him. Your son is also trying his darndest to drive a wedge between you and your husband, because he clearly resents the fact that you and his dad are not together any more and he's also jealous and angry over having to accept this newcomer. He isn't physically strong enough to take on your husband, or to take you on, so he's taking out his pain and rage on the house and on your possessions. I am actually surprised that he hasn't had problems in school because of what he's experiencing at home, in fact- anger of this type has a way of invading everything in a child's life.

This is what's behind all this violent behavior- and the behavior is only going to get worse until you get your son some help. I grew up in a blended family, and I know from first hand experience what it means to deal with conflicting parental loyalties. I ALSO know what it's like to be forced to listen when parents fight or argue with each other- and to be put in the horrendous position of having to act as a go between. I've been there, and it isn't a fun or easy experience. Your son is angry- at you, the world, his dad, his stepdad, AND at HIMSELF. I'm sure that deep down inside, he's scared as h**l, too- because he knows that things are never going to be what they were when you were married to his dad- and he may also think that he and his sisters are somehow to blame for this. It makes no difference if that is true or not- that's just how he thinks at his age. He isn't old enough or mature enough yet to understand that your decision to divorce your first husband was something which had nothing to do with him, and that you and his dad will always love and be there for him no matter what happens. He also can't understand that you and his dad got divorced from EACH OTHER, not from him and his sisters. I understand that only too well, because I WENT THROUGH IT myself. It took me YEARS ( the better part of two decades, in fact) to understand that my parents' divorce had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME- and this is what you are going to need to help your son understand. He needs to grieve the loss of the relationship with his dad, just as you do- divorce is a kind of emotional death, and the grief process for it is the same as the one experienced when someone actually dies. As for your new husband, both you and he need to realize that your son will not accept him instantly- and there is a chance that he may never be fully accepted. If that is the case, it's okay- but your son needs to learn that he must treat your husband with respect- and not react violently when told to do things.

Above all, however, ALL OF you need to go through some family counseling and conflict resolution, so you can learn how to use something other than violence to solve problems. Conflict resolution training will do more than just help you solve conflicts- it will also teach you how to communicate with one another. You will learn the differences between constructive and destructive criticism, how to quarrel fairly and without cost to anyone involved,and how to listen to and respond rto one another in appropriate ways. CR training can be tailored to anyone of any age- so your son and daughters can learn the process too. I would encourage you to ask this counselor who's coming to your house about CR training, and find out whether or not her agency offers it. If they do, take advantage of it- it may save your family and your marriage. If they don't, then ask her for a referral, or ask your son's psychologist for the same thing, to someone who does.

Good luck, I hope this helps.  

Answer 6

It really sounds like he is mad about something to do with your new marriage maybe you should talk to him about this cause it seems pointed at your husband but maybe you've been married since he was little and i'm wrong

but if you recently got married i think its the marriage

Answer 7

think you should just walk away. don't tell him tocaml down. don't talk ohim. just walk away. he might be doing it for attention. and iff heis still having these breakouts then you may want to ask him doctor f there issome medication. and if you don't want to put him on medication. then if here are ways to keep himself calm. good lukc and god bless.

Answer 8

boot camp, football will work if the coach can effectively teach respect, honor and discipline. you can hit him (dont listen to the idiots nowadays its worked for thousands of years but i dont think its effective in this situation) being nice wont work. try being passive aggressive to him or show no emotion towards him. that will calm him down.