What new wedding "traditions" really get under your skin?

Question

I am in the process of planning my wedding for next fall and I have noticed some new ways of doing things that kind of irk me:

1. requesting cash instead of presents/including a gift registry slip in the invite - you should never "ask" for presents

2. "no children" weddings - kind of bridezillaish

3. having people RSVP online - not everyone has access to the internet or knows how to properly use it, at the minimum you should include a phone #

Am I being too traditionalist?? Have you done any of these things for your own wedding, what has the response been?

What other "tradititons" have popped up that have bothered you?

Answer 1

I don't think requesting a cash gift is wrong- some people(like me) have already been together and lived together for years before getting married. In our case, we already have the typical household items etc. and maybe we would prefer cash to save for a house/vacation etc. As far as children, that might irk me too. But I can see where some people might not want them at the ceremony, but kids at a reception is perfectly acceptable! And yes, if you are going to put RSVP online you should include a phone # for those who don't have access to the web. Don;t think you are being too traditionalist, it is your wedding, you do things how YOU want them, not to please everyone else!

Oh and I don't think it is wrong to include the registry place, do you really want to be stuck with 10 of the same item or gifts you don't want?

Answer 2

You're not being too traditionalist at all...regarding the issues you mentioned:

1. Requesting cash/including registry information is tacky. Many people seem to think getting married entitles them to wedding gifts. It doesn't.

2. I think it's okay to want to have only adults. As others have mentioned, some venues are not suitable for children and some couples just don't like the commotion kids can cause. Specifying "no children" on an invitation is over the top though. As a previous poster said, just be careful how you address the envelope. If you have concerns about one family or another, have an honest conversation with them ahead of time. My fiance's brother started dating a woman a couple months ago who has two kids. They're both hyper and the boy is also a non-stop complainer. Neither of us want those kids at our wedding. We're having a small wedding, pretty much just immediate family, so we don't think his brother's girlfriend's kids need to be included. If his brother and this woman were engaged or married it would be different. So my fiance is going to talk with his brother ahead of time to make sure there are no misunderstandings.

3. Online RSVP is for responding to meeting requests at work...it just feels so impersonal to use for one of the biggest days of your life.

I don't know if this is really a "new" trend or not, but please don't leave during the middle of your reception. My brother and his wife did that because they had a plane to catch...they should have planned their schedule better.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Take care ~

Answer 3

I'm completely with you on #1 and #3.

As for #2, not all weddings are appropriate for children, particularly if alcohol will be served at the reception. A wedding ceremony is a grown-up event with grown-up meanings and implications. Small children can't possibly understand what's going on and tend to be restless which makes it hard for their parents and nearby guests to concentrate. As for the reception, children often get over-excited making it hard for their parents to enjoy the reception as well as other guests. It's a newer trend to invite children and cater to them. That's fine if that's what the couple wants, but it should not be expected.

Other "new" traditions I don't go for are money dances and money trees unless those are a part of someone's cultural backgrounds. I don't care for requests asking guests to dress in the bride's favorite color in "support" of the couple. I don't care for a special dance for every conceivable arrangement of family... no one cares after the first dance. There are other "new" traditions that are in my area, but I'll leave those out. :-)

Hope this is helpful!

Answer 4

What gets under my skin about weddings aren't really what I'd call "traditions", but here they are.

1. People thinking that they HAVE to do things a certain way, even if they don't necessarily want to, simply because they think they need to do what they're "supposed" to do.

2. The wedding industry trying to bend us over backwards and overcharge us for everything. It's nuts!

3. People judging other's ways and traditions and/or lack there of. That's just silly.

Wait, I do have one that actually seems to be a "tradition" - Bridesmaid drama! I've heard a lot of horror stories about the drama they cause with each other and the stress that it adds to the wedding planning. It's just not cool.  

Answer 5

I totally agree ! In my family, we have a bunch of kids (most of my cousins have kids). First of all, I would never not invite them. They are as much of family as everyone else. Sometimes, kids make a party even better (with the funny stuff they sometimes do & how they dance). Also, I would NEVER ask my cousins to all find babysitters for it. Most of them live out of state, too, so, that would be really rude (and, most may not end up coming, due to not being able to find one). I was actually getting really mad at the manager of the hall we are having our reception at b/c she didn't "think it was a good idea" to invite so many kids. She even tried to convince me of such by saying that the kids shouldn't be up late. You know what ?!? Let the parents decide that. Who was she to tell me not to invite them all UGH! it's my wedding & if I want them there then I will invte them all ! (she even went so far as to tell me that I shouldn't have my flower girl, who will be 18 months old, at the head table!)

I would NEVER just ask for cash. It would be nice to receive it, but, ASKING for it is just plain tacky!

I have also noticed the online RSVP thing (on the knot). That is one functionality that I would never turn on. Call me tradirtional, but, as you say, not everyone has a computer (or, in the case of older people they may not know how to use one) Also, it's nice to get them in the mail...seems more "proper"

Another "tradition" I do not like is when older relatives try to convince you to do some sort of customs just because of your nationality. Example: I am part Italian & there is a flower that is considered by Italians to be good luck to wear. Honestly, I think it's ugly. Also, I wouldn't feel right about making my FH (who is not Italian) wear it.

I also agree withthe other posted about the cake smashing. I will be worried enough about my make-up through-out the day that I do NOT want to worry about cake messing it up (or, my face breaking out in pimples on my honeymoon)

Answer 6

Honeymoon cash collections

People who've been shacking up for years and say they "have everything they need" so they want their guests to pay for their house or honeymoon.

One tradition I'd like to see gone is dressing bridesmaids in the same exact dress to be matchy-match. It looks ridiculous to have 5 or more women of all different body shapes and sizes wearing the same dress, because 1 style does not flatter every body type.

Answer 7

What bothers me is this idea that the wedding is exclusively about the couple. The whole purpose of having a wedding reception is to honour and recognize family and friends who have supported you until then. If you want to have a small wedding, that's one thing, but to say "it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want, and you have to accommodate it" ignores the fact that this is one more cousin getting married, not a once-in-a-lifetime event for the guests. It also defeats the purpose of throwing the reception.

Answer 8

-ASKING for monetary gifts.  This will never be acceptable.  Accept ALL gifts graciously.

-Saying "we have everything we want," so then the couple proceeds to simply ask for money for their honeymoon and/or house.  

-RSVP'ing on-line.  Weddings are more formal affairs and despite the high use of the internet, I hate the on-line RSVP deal...I also hate the save-the-date via internet or e-vites instead of actual invitations.

Answer 9

I agree with you (totally) on #1- You shouldn't be requesting (or hinting) for any gifts.

You have a point on 2 and 3, but I can understand not wanting kids around when you still have a "single, w/out kids" mentality, and just want to have fun, without worrying about little ones.

A "tradition" that annoys the heck out of me is the dollar dance. I always wonder how could the bride NOT feel like a stripper, with people grabbing at the bodice of her dress, and stuffing money wherever they can.

I swear, the first person to try to grab and stuff something onto my person on my wedding day will be slapped away immediately! I am NOT a Stripper!

The other one is the cake-smashing (either the bride or groom)

If I'm spending God knows how much money on my hair and makeup, and make my fianceé promise not to smash cake on my face, and he still (or anyone for that matter!) does it, I will just leave, and request an annulment the next day!

That is just disrespectful and embarrasing.

I'll tell you one tradition I would welcome back with open arms: Parents paying for the wedding! (Until I have daughters getting married, that is)

Answer 10

It shouldn't matter what other brides do!  Focus on your big day.  I personally think that money is ok to ask for as long as you do it right.  My fiance and I have lived together since we were 18 , so we have everything we need and want, we'll ask for cash to finance our own home.   But the no children can be tough.  If there is an open bar , do you really want little ones around your rough and rowdy friends?   It just depends on the couples personality and friends though.  Just keep in mind that YOUR day should be the most important to you , not what others are doing.    **congrats!!**

Answer 11

No. 1 isn't a tradition -- it's just people being greedy.

No. 2 -- yes, annoying, but it is the bride's day, and some venues just aren't appropriate for children. This also isn't a big deal if almost all of the people being invited don't have kids.  And if you don't like it, you don't have to go.

No. 3 -- I'd agree, except for the fact that RSVPing is SUCH a pain these days.  Stamps are WAY too expensive, especially if you have a big wedding.  Yes, people should have alternative means, but when it just takes 1-2 clicks to RSVP vs. getting people to read a card, fill it out and send it in the mail (which doesn't sound like a big deal, but 1 week out from our 'drop dead' day we still had 1/4 of the people not responding to our RSVP... so it must be...).

My pet peeve is potluck receptions.  People really don't think about how problematic and discourteous that is.  If I'm coming to your wedding and bringing a gift, don't ask be to bring food, too.  And if I'm coming from out of town, there's no way that I can bring something homemade. Sure, potlucks are fine if your wedding is in your backyard and the reception is just a fun BBQ, but otherwise don't.  If you can't feed people, have an appetizer reception or just punch and cake.

Answer 12

Of the things you listed, the only one I am guilty of is #2. I understand how this could bother people, and I do respect the feelings of those who feel children should be invited to weddings. We had our reasons, price being the biggest one (they had a children's meal at our venue and it was $60 per plate...for chicken fingers!!!) but our families and friends were supportive. Most of them even told us they enjoyed having a night out.

As for things that bother me, I see on here a lot of people who want to have wedding "re-dos". This bothers me because not only is it gift/attention grabbing, it is insulting to people who (for whatever reason) decided/couldn't have a huge wedding - like a JP or court house wedding makes it less "real".

Your #1 & 3 gets under my skin too. I can't even count the times I have answered questions with "your wedding is not a fundraiser!". Also, if we had internet only RSVPs, most of our guests would not have been able to reply! I guess people just assume that everyone has internet access.  

Answer 13

You sound like a really cool bride!

#1.  According to Miss Manners, you are correct.  Let your family and friends know where you are registered, and if you prefer cash to a present.  If folks consult them, they can let your "druthers" be known.  Otherwise,  accept all gifts with graciousness!

#2.  I'm with you -- kids were welcome at my wedding and reception.  I personally think that a wedding is a family thing -- not a society event.  But I am "old school."

#3.  In this day and age, it is okay to accept RSVP's online, but don't make that the ONLY way to RSVP.  Give your guests a choice.

I think that you will be a beautiful bride -- not a bridezilla! -- and I wish I were invited to your wedding!  You will have a wonderful life!

Answer 14

u dont have to ask for a gift just say u would prefer montary gift

Answer 15

Sure the present thing  makes sense, but I don't agree with the other two.  The no children is just to keep the ceremony more quiet.  It can be a huge distraction and hassle when you're trying ot have this important moment take place.  We're not 'no kids' but we're only having only one kid (and one who keeps to himself) , since most of our friends don't have children.

And heck yeah to RSVP online!  That's the way we're doing it.  I say, if you know your guests have internet access, then why not?  It saves money, paper (we're environmentalists) and hassle.  Plus we did include a phone number if there are people we didn't know about who don't have internet.  

New wedding traditions that bother me?  Save-the-dates.  Makes sense for people living far away, I guess.  But otherwise, I just let my guests know by talking to them, e-mail, IM, word-of-mouth, stuff like that.  Oh, and chair covers are so annoying. Also a wasted effort and expense.  Sure they look nice, but I personally find them annoying to sit with.  It feels constricting.

Answer 16

People who expect to be able to bring guests of their own (a date, a friend, a child) to have a good time as the host's expense. People who have some idea that it's rude to invite adults without assuming responsbility for their (the guests') children. If you can't manage to attend a simple social function like a wedding reception without dragging along a friend to hold your hand the you don't deserve to have a social life. If you can't bear to be seperated from your offspring for long enough to attend a function for adults, then you don't deserve to have friends outside your circle of "play date" parents. Sorry to be harsh but it is not incorrect not is it "bossy" for a host to choose NOT to invite children. If you believe that children have some sort of "right" to go to every party the mommy attends, then you have a rather inflated sense of entitlement and/or an exagerated estimation of your children's charms.  

Answer 17

I do disagree with your #2 answer.  I'm SO glad there were no kids at my wedding.  It's our day and we spent a lot of money on having special touches.  It's not bridezilla-ish it made our wedding a lot better b/c people could really cut loose.  No one had a problem with the kids not being allowed.  They were at the ceremony but not the reception.

Anyway I hate when the bride to be doesn't include postage on her RSVP.  I just feel like that is common courtesy and yes I know it costs more but it's the way it's supposed to go.

I'm not a big fan of donations instead of a favor.  I personally don't care if the couple has given money "in our name."  I like getting a little something, even if it is cheesy or lame.  It's a token of appreciation.

I agree that people should not include where they are registered in the wedding invitation.  You shouldn't be asking for gifts.  That's what the shower is for.  Then to ask for cash is ridiculous as well.

I also hate the dollar dance.  Having a wedding costs A LOT but why do people feel the need to ask for money?   I just don't get it.  Guests spend their time (ALL day) and money to go to your event (out of towners and those in the wedding party especially).

Good luck with your wedding!

Answer 18

I don't like Save the Date cards. Send me the invite. If I can come, I will. I don't need 6 months' notice. If you're that close to me, I already know you're getting married.

I have no problem with adult-only weddings. Kids are bored at weddings and some venues are not appropriate for children. Also, if the couple can only afford 75 people, let's say, why should they have to invite little Billy, the 6 year old cousin's son over a good friend? Or what is the family has loads of little ones? They have to pay for 40 kids to come to a wedding? That's not exactly fair, IMO. We did have over 40 kids at our wedding reception, but it was our choice to do so. I don't think any couple should be strongarmed into inviting anyone they don't want to have at their wedding.

Answer 19

as for tradition #1...there isn;t much that can be done except to educate our own children on what is and is not appropriate. so i;m going to leave that one alone.

regarding an "adults only" reception: aside from budget reasons, i think that this has a lot to do with the children-to-adults ratio on the family, the type of venue, and the time of the reception. a family that has a high number of children would, i expect, be a bit upset at the lack of invitation towards children. but like "predendo" said above, some venues are not child-friendly. a couple should plan the reception that suits them...they shouldn;t have to check-in with each individual guest to see if the plans are to their liking. hire a babysitter and enjoy a party for grown-ups. it's not a bridezilla-thing.

and finally, RSVPing online--i agree that it's a great option but it shouldn't take the place of RSVP cards in the mail. stamps only cost .42cents and it's so much easier to keep track of an actual card than to have to remember to write down when someone calls or if they email.

the only other traditions that i absolutely can't stand are the "fundraising" activities like the apron dance or money trees...basically anytime where money is given and it isn't in a card. it's as bad as asking for cash outright in an invitation.

Answer 20

- I HATE the asking for a cash gift thing and the honeymoon registry! I feel that is SO selfish... as is including the registry info in the invite.

- Registering for things they don't really want so they can return them and get the money (Yes, I saw it done!)

- Online RSVP as well, so impersonal.

- "Cheap" weddings. People who can't afford/don't want to throw a big wedding saying big weddings are a waste of money. Just because you can't afford it/don't want it doesn't mean other people shouldn't enjoy it...

- The "Couple should pay for their own wedding" crowd. If you can pay for your own, great! So can I - but since my mother feels it is her honor to throw my wedding, fine, I am not saying no. Get over it.

- Strapless dresses. I am SO over them and the fact that everyone wears them.

- People who "compare" your wedding to theirs. Weddings are perfectly personal and if YOU enjoyed your backyard BBQ that's awesome and I am glad but that is no reason you need to condemn my formal dinner reception or compare your dress to mine. I like what I have chosen the same way YOU liked what YOU chose. I have no desire to compare weddings...

Okay that was anice little vent lol. Thanks for the opportunity!

Answer 21

I think people who ask for money on their invitation are the greediest, tackiest people on the planet - and there are so many of them on Yahoo Answers, asking for the best way to do it! I'm glad someone else agrees that it's a horrible new "tradition."

I also hate it when people "register" for a honeymoon and expect their guests to donate too it. It's exactly like asking for cash.

And a huge pet peeve is brides who ask their guests to dress in a particular color. Guests are GUESTS, not part of the decorating scheme.

Overall, I think there's such a culture of excess that has sprung up around weddings, and it's terrible. Too much time is spent thinking about (and too much money is spent on) the wedding, not enough thought is given to the actual marriage.

Answer 22

The three you listed also bug me

Answer 23

I agree about number 1, just got an invite to my cousins upcoming wedding and we were all shocked to find "we have everything we need so would prefer cash instead of gifts". It sort of implies you HAVE to get them something and it HAS to be money.

I don't really agree with number 2, some people just don't really like kids and don't plan on having their own in the future so why should they include them in their wedding

I sort of agree with number 3, I think it is easier for most people to reply by internet so its a good idea to include it as an optional way of replying but I agree you should provide a telephone number or address

I would have to say I don't like how almost every wedding dress is strapless, it is so rare now to see a bride with sleeves or straps, not sure I'd say its a modern tradition but its something that bugs me when I go to weddings

I really, really hate how weddings are now "the bride's day", I think weddings are about family, love and celebrating the beggining of a new family, and about the guests, aswell as the bride and groom.

I also hate how big a deal weddings are now. Obviously they're a big deal in terms of seeing two people getting married but now the whole thing is about the wedding day and having the perfect reception, rather than it being a day of starting a marriage.

Answer 24

Well what wors for some is rude to otehrs.  You have to keep in mind somethings are more inportants to others.  But there is always a right and wrong way of getting that across.

1. requesting cash instead of presents-yes, you should never list a regisrty or gift request on an invite.  but if you have the home items and moeny would help for the honeymoon or a home then ask close family, but a small regisrty should be made for friends and co-workers

2. "no children" - people have to do all or nothing with this.  You can have your flower girl and ring bearer but no other children.  

3. having people RSVP online - cute idea for the technologicaly inclined but what about grandma and grandpa?  People are getting cheap with the stamps.  But the option is nice!

What bothers me is

1. people asking if they can wear white- its never ok!

2. not allowing your guest to bring a guest if they are clearly in a relationship

3. trying to do cake/appetizer receptions during meal times!

Answer 25

Money dances, money trees, wishing wells, and any other contrivance designed to soak one's guests for a monetary contribution above and beyond the gift they have already purchased.  Yuck.

Answer 26

First of all, congratulations on your wedding! I wish you the best.

Well, in my invitations I included envelopes (and stamps) for the RSVP because like you, I know some people don't use e-mail often or at all. However, even when I included the RSVP deadline date, I still received many replies via phone or second-hand (they told my parents to pass the info along...rude but atleast they replied) some never replied however and we had to simply write them off.

as for the gift registry thing, well originally my husband and I were not going to have one. but my mother insisted it was a good idea so we added a small business card of the place we registered from. We did not however, say cash only. Some people bought from the registry, others didn't. Having a registry card does not obligate the guest to buy from the register, it only suggests that this is where you like certain items, in case they don't know what to get you. I personally think it's rude to attend a wedding without giving a present, but that's just me.

We did not want kids at our wedding so we planned it later in the evening. We did not wirte it out in the invitation we just excluded their names (Mr and Mrs. instead of family) there were not many kids on my husband's side and none on mine. no one complained.

You know, in a wedding, everyone interprets something in different ways. You can't control what some will think or not, you can merely control your actions and responses. Keep your cool, be forgiving to those who are inconsiderate and keep the big picture in mind: you are getting married to your love. That's the only thing that matters at the end of the day.

Have a wonderful wedding! Don't worry, the planning is the worst part.